Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
by Thyatira
Summary: Dying had to be the most pleasant experience Ranma had ever had. Unfortunately, there ain't no rest for the wicked. Eventual femslash, because I hate you. Also a lock-fic, because I really hate you.
1. It Don't Pay

Ranma, in spite of a rather roughshod upbringing, had had perhaps the most eclectic education of anyone alive or dead. Martial arts? Mastered it. Ki manipulation? Child's play. Tea ceremony, ballroom dancing, cheer-leading, and Olympic level gymnastics? Humiliated their best practitioners at their own game left and right. Sexual and mating practices of Chinese Amazons, Musk tribe, oni, orochi, and spirits, both human and otherwise? She could write her doctoral thesis on the subject if she were so inclined.

Despite all this, dying was almost certainly the most unique experience she had had to date. It was also the most pleasant by far. Well, besides the whole 'died a girl' thing, but that was only a minor quibble, really. Drowning in the pure source of the pools of sorrow was bound to have side effects, and maybe it was just the relaxing energy that buoyed her up speaking, but Ranma couldn't help but feel that she got off lucky.

Certainly, she would rather be alive, if for nothing else than to check on Akane to make sure there weren't any lingering side effects from being dried up into a doll and then rejuvenated. However, had she a choice in how to spend her afterlife, she wouldn't change a thing. No worries. Still a girl? Who cares? It's not like she wasn't the best no matter what she looked like. Never going to see friends and family again? Well, it was sad, but at least she left secure in the knowledge that they were all alright. How many people got that? No, no worries. Just bliss. And peace.

So, you can imagine Ranma's annoyance when, at just the edge of her awareness, there was a slight, tiny pull. Just an insignificant little pull at her essence. It was nothing really. It would go away soon. Except Ranma had experience with insignificant happenstance and they never went away. Instead they led to fights with annoying cheerleaders and perverted orochi and shriveled up old letches.

Still, in this pure light that seemed to reach every corner of her being, filling her with a quiet confidence even she had never known before, she could admit that many of her misadventures had come about because of herself, or rather himself. Here there was no such problems, no attachments to pride or honor, and no one begging for her help. Perhaps she could just ignore the problem until it went away.

With her mind settled in its new path, Ranma set about getting comfortable again. A basic tenet that even a half-baked martial artist knew was how to ignore unimportant distractions in the pursuit of a goal. And Ranma was more than half-baked. She was fully baked. Well and truly... baked. Couldn't get more baked if she tried. So it went. Perhaps if she had spent more time in thought she would have realized that many of her troubles came not simply from interfering, but from acting without making a proper analysis first.

So, even without her attention, the pull remained. And grew. Slowly at first, then with greater demand. Despite this, Ranma remained oblivious. It was mere whim that caused her to open her eyes in time at all. When she did, she quickly realized her mistake. There in front of her, drawing her inexorably towards itself, was the biggest frickin' maelstrom she'd ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. She only had a moment. One instance to make that split second decision. In true Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu style she reacted the only way she could.

"Oh _shiiiiiii__iii__iiiiii__iiiii__iiiiiiiiiii__iiiiiiiiii__iiiiiiiiiii_-"

Nexus Productions Presents

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

With deference to Rumiko Takahashi and Masashi Kishimoto.

Breathing heavily, Ranma slumped onto the nearest available seat. It had been a hard week. Waking up in bizarre circumstances was nothing new, but neither was it particularly pleasant. Opening her eyes to find herself surrounded by a bunch of shocked looking men was barely worth mentioning. Finding herself still a she, a very naked she no less, surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar men, set off her personal pervert warning, code blue. Seeing those same men drawing weapons raised it to crazy perverted martial artists, code yellow. She had no time to debate whether the situation warranted an orange or red as waves of fire and earth sent her into full survival mode.

Fortunately, the flames were nowhere near the intensity of Saffron's fire, certainly not enough to give someone with a phoenix pill more than slight pause. Another unexpected bonus was that, in the ensuing tumult, she had taken the Umisenken to new heights, rebuilt the Yamasenken from memory, could likely teach Ryoga a thing or two about his Bakusai Tenketsu, and was well on her way to developing a ki attack based on pure, unadulterated exasperation.

She was also planning on beating Sasuke to within an inch of his midget life the next time she saw him, deserved or no. Even in Nerima people took a break from the ridiculous fights and challenges every now and again. Not so here. Here people seemed content to spend every waking moment making her life miserable, and then switch off when they got too tired.

At least they sucked at finding hidden opponents, even when she wasn't using her father's prize techniques, which was a laugh considering this was supposed to be a ninja village. Not so funny were their jutsu and numbers. Her complete ignorance of her situation was what led her to her current location. Ninja school. Seriously. Not that she would complain about anything that could help her out, but if they seriously called it that... there was only so much manhandling by idiots her ego could stand.

She'd already ransacked the classrooms, digging through everything they had on just about anything. What she'd found had been... less than encouraging. Unless they were even crazier than she had originally estimated, she wasn't in Japan anymore, or even China.

Not that she had not suspected something was amiss before, she didn't even look at the night sky now if she could help it, but she had hoped. Hoped what, she wasn't sure. Now, now she was stuck in some crazy, alternate... gods, she couldn't even think it yet, thanks to some crazy perverts who liked to call up naked dead girls and attack them. She couldn't even leave unless she wanted to give up all hope of getting back.

Being dead was so much easier. Life was just too, what was the word? Crazy. Had she mentioned that word to herself before? That didn't even touch on her body's current state, though oddly it didn't bother her as much as it might have. Apparently, being dead had an effect on people.

Heaving a sigh and leaving her depressing musings behind, she cast about for one of the more promising books she'd brought with her. "Hmm, Treatise on the Politics of the Elemental Nations?" Pass. Useful if she ever left the confines of this stupid village, no sense walking into a war-zone if it could be avoided after all, but she needed something a little more relevant.

"Chakra for Dummies." Weird name, but definitely promising. Whatever this chakra was, it had only passing similarities to ki. Maybe it could even explain why the air seemed to almost burn. Her personal reservoir of energy kept drawing it in when she took time to replenish her reserves. It made resting a serious challenge before she became accustomed to it and learned to filter the excess heat. It was a bitch, but it made for some interesting applications of the Hiryu Shoten Ha. Whoever it was that had needed the book was a serious slob though, crumbs everywhere. She had cleaned up a bit. It was a fair trade for borrowing without asking.

"Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, A History." Now this was more like it. If she was to pass herself off as a native, knowing what the hell a Hokage was, or what the leaf on these stupid headbands meant, was a must. Fingering the forehead protector she had pocketed earlier, she glanced at it with lingering resentment, then sighed again. Getting herself as comfortable as the bench would allow, she started in on what was likely to be a long night.

Chapter 1

It Don't Pay

"Aaargh! Where is he!? I can't stand it anymore!"

"Ugh, Naruto, yelling isn't helping anyone! Can't you be more like Sasuke!?" The boy in question was studiously ignoring his so called teammates, instead choosing to sit apart from them, presumably to brood over the situation he had found himself in, and the future it portended.

Screwing up his face, Naruto retorted, "Ah, who would want to be like that idiot." Things weren't going like he had expected. Getting his hitai-ite was supposed to be the start of a grand adventure that eventually led to the Hokage's seat. Instead he was stuck with that jerk Sasuke over there and a no-show jounin sensei. He figured he deserved to complain a bit.

"Gee, I don't know, the dead last maybe?" Sakura was having none of it though. This was her chance with Sasuke and no loser wannabe ninja was going to ruin it for her! "And stop making that sound!"

That stopped any further argument from Naruto. "Uh, what sound?"

"Don't play dumb! That annoying growling sound you've been making for the past ten minutes! Did you rush out so fast you didn't eat breakfast!?"

Stopping to listen, Naruto found there was indeed a noise in the background. He had been so agitated waiting that he had failed to notice it. "Ah, that's not me."

That drew the others' attention. "If it isn't you then..." Immediately, they began looking around. Even Sasuke looked mildly curious.

Quickly running around the room, Naruto soon honed in on the disturbance. "Hey, hey, over here! I think I found it." Standing near the back of the classroom, he was poking around the last bench.

"Honestly Naruto, I don't see any..." But as she approached, she heard the sound rise dramatically in volume. "Is that... snoring?" Looking at each other, then back at Sasuke, who had finally gotten up and followed them, they turned back to the bench and began to—hesitantly—poke around.

"There's... something weird here." Looking more determined then ever, the pair both reached out for the spot that seemed to be screaming mediocrity... and hit nothing. Somehow, the area they were trying to examine... shifted? As they looked, the spot seemed to become more defined. "Is that... a person?" Finally, as if a spell were broken, the space in front of them seemed to snap into place and there was indeed a, well, still just a person. The clothing was nondescript, a simple dark blue pair of pants and shirt with a Konoha flak jacket worn over it. A straw hat covered the face. Underneath, they saw large opaque goggles and a dark blue bandana that obscured the gender just as well as the clothes and, completely covering the hair-

"A forehead protector! It's a ninja! He's a ninja? Whatever! That was so cool, I've gotta learn that! Then I'll be made Hokage for sure!"

"Damn it Naruto, be quiet! I don't want to get in trouble because you pissed off some random jouni-" Stopping at her words, they all looked at each other. "You don't think..." Looking more closely, they saw that the jounin was surrounded and partially covered by books. "Criminal Justice Illuminated? Military Transformation and Modern Warfare: a Reference Handbook, Contemporary Military, Strategic, and Security Issues? The Art of the Lesser, A Guide For Genin to Employing Low Level Jutsu to Their Greatest- why would a jounin need these? Unless..."

"A-ha! So that's where he's been!" Excitement overtaking reason, Naruto stretched out his hand, intent on waking their negligent sensei... and missed his target completely. "Um." Reaching out again, more cautiously this time, he managed to actually make contact. Grinning at his success, he began enthusiastically prodding. However, it was to no avail. The snoring didn't even abate. "Aargh, how are we supposed to be ninja if sensei spends all day asleep!?"

Silently agreeing with him, but not wanting to be seen as such in front of her crush, she hesitantly suggested, "M-maybe some water will-"

Before she could even finish, Uzumaki was out the door. "I'll get it!" Sighing in exasperation, she turned to face Sasuke, who hadn't moved his eyes off the jounin since they found him. Blushing, she realized that she was now in the perfect position to make small talk. She slowly wracked her brains for the perfect opening. It had to be perfect of course. No sense throwing away this opportunity like a blockhead. Finally, she had it.

"Um, so Sasuke, do-"

"I'm ba-ack!" Palming her face, she decided that if they were ever in a fight for their lives, she might just be a little slow in watching _Naruto's_ back.

"Heh heh heh, check this out." In his hands was a basin filled with water.

"That's way more than we need Naruto." Couldn't he do anything without supervision? More importantly, if he got that much, how the hell did he make it back so quickly?

"No no, watch this, I heard about this from Kiba."

"Inuzuka? What does he have to do with-" But Naruto was already laying the basin down. Reaching out slowly, he drew the jounin's hand down into the water, grinning maniacally all the while.

"Now we just wait an- aah! What did you hit me for!?"

"You idiot! You can't be doing that to people! Especially people in charge of us!" Well, it was kind of funny but, "it'll take too long. Ah, I mean-" She had not meant to say that out loud. Before she could backpedal though.

"Yeah, you're right. This will be much better."

Reaching into one of the dozens of pockets on that ridiculous orange outfit of his, he pulled out a few balloons. Why he was keeping balloons on his person was a question Sakura felt was best left unasked.

Removing the hand, Naruto quickly set about filling three up. "Ah geez, that's colder than I remember. Alright, here we go. One for each of us!"

"What!? Naruto, you can't possibly expect us to-" Well, again it was hilarious, but there was no way she could justify it in front of Sasuke.

"Aw come on. If he's really a jounin, then something like this shouldn't even phase him. If he gets mad we'll just say we thought he was testing us! Besides, any ninja that gets caught with his pants down like this deserves everything he gets! Believe it!"

Before she could argue further, Sasuke reached out and took one of the balloons. "Sasuke?"

For the first time since they'd been put together, he spoke. "Like he said, if he's really a jounin..." He left the rest unsaid. There was an intensity in his eyes that unnerved her.

"A-all right. If you say so, Sasuke." He was even better than she had dreamed! Yes!

"Woo-hoo! Alright, on three. One, two, three!" Loosing their volley, the three each looked on expectantly. That's when the unexpected happened. Almost lazily, the jounin's hand reached up and plucked the first balloon from the air. It was in hand for only a moment before an imperceptible twist of the wrist sent it flying back. One, two, three. Each was expertly caught and returned with no sign that the jounin had even become aware.

"Aah!" The cry from two of them was expected. The pitch of one was rather off though.

"What the hell was that!" Again, the timber was unexpectedly high.

"Naruto? What did you do to- What did you do to your hair!"

Confused, Naruto reached up to finger a golden lock... and found in its place one of deep crimson.

"Oh my god! Naruto! Did you put something in those balloons!? Is my face splotchy! If my face is splotchy I am going to rearrange _your_ face you- you little... idiot!"

Quickly backing away from the incensed female, Naruto hurriedly rushed out a defense. "I didn't! I mean it! You saw me! The only thing I put in there was the water! And what the hell is wrong with my voice!?" If anything, the stress had made his voice pitch higher.

"Enough, we shou-" Sasuke abruptly stopped his rebuke as he found his voice too had changed. Cautiously reaching up, he was relieved to find his brunette hair unmolested.

"Um, Sasuke? What was-"

"Nothing. I mean," Clearing his throat, he tried to sound gruffer, "It's nothing. Leave it."

"A-all right." No way was she going to touch that one. Whatever it was, Sasuke was sure to solve it. She had more pressing concerns at the moment anyway. Her hair was still its trademark pink, and no one had commented on anything, but as distracted as they were, and as bizarre as the situation was, she couldn't relax until she found a mirror and checked herself over. It was at that moment the source of their consternation chose to arouse himself.

"Ah, goddammit. What's with all the racket. Can't get any frickin' rest with-" Her mumbling suddenly cut short, and it was a she after all, the jounin slowly rolled over to face the three genin. Said genin were frozen in shock and more than a little fear. She had to choose just that moment?

"Crap. Did it short out or..? That coulda' been dangerous. If somebody-" Sitting up, she made to stand when her feet collided with the forgotten basin. The clattering sound somehow urged the genin to still even further. Slowly, she looked down. Then, lifting the goggles and removing the bandana, she raised her head and gave the bedraggled children a look. "You uh, you weren't... plannin' somethin'? Were ya?" The word punks was left unsaid, but it came through, emphasis and all.

Her blue eyes seemed to crystallize and the air around them suddenly chilled. The basin at her feet was already frozen, the water inside a solid block of ice. Somewhere underneath her panic, Sakura's intellect analyzed the feeling. She had read about something similar. Killing intent. Extremely experienced ninja could take their intentions and make them almost palpable, giving lesser nin a clear view of their end.

This however, this was nothing like what she had read. There was no intention being conveyed, no desire to kill. Instead, what they felt was the purest form of confidence they had ever known. It went beyond anything they had thought possible. Here, in front of them, this nin with a simple, open face and clear, honest eyes, she could destroy them. She could destroy the whole village if she wanted to. The Hokage was a mere plaything waiting to be trapped in her cat's paw.

In so many ways, this was far worse than what Sakura had read. At least if her intentions were known they could have a chance to avoid it, but this... Go left and I'll destroy you. Dodge right and I'll crush you. Throw a kunai and I'll just laugh while I annihilate you down to your very essence. I am in control. This room is a battlefield and I am its reigning lord.

Sakura managed to open her mouth. Her breath, she noticed in remote, came out a fog, the water crystallizing instantly. Somehow, she managed to squeak out the name of the technique. "Sh-shikumi." Death foreseeing. It was still apt, even without the literal meaning coming through, as she very much would have preferred a hole in the ground to bearing this terrible feeling one moment longer.

Suddenly, the nin let up, leaving them a trembling mess. The only thing keeping them upright was the fear that she might change her mind if they moved without permission. "Ah, sorry 'bout that. Always a little addled when I get woken up early." Early? It was after noon. More importantly though, they all silently agreed to never, ever disturb her slumber again.

Suddenly free from death's clammy grasp, Sakura's newly awakened feelings of self preservation went into overdrive. "It was him!" She pointed desperately at Naruto.

"Uh, what are you-"

"I told him it was a bad idea but he insisted hewastooconvincingdon'tpunishSasukehe'sinnocent and-"

"Hey!" Finally coming to his senses, his own well-being in jeopardy, he immediately tried to cover himself, shouting over Sakura's panicked babbling. "You were the one who said to get the water! What do you think you're-"

"Shut up!" The effect Ranma's words had was instantaneous. They went right back to cowering. "Ugh, jeez. Why do I always get stuck with the-" Cutting herself off she again gave them a look. Not the look, it was fortunately just a regular reproving glance, but it carried far more weight for them than any had before. "Now, slowly, what exactly did you three think you were up to?" She gestured to Naruto and he hesitantly started.

"Well, ah, you see," Ranma's annoyed look told him to get on with it. "We couldn't wake you up so Sakura said 'get some water' and-

"Hey!" Before she could properly protest, Ranma's hand zipped out and clamped down on her lips. Naruto continued unabated.

"I brought that basin full and put your hand in it cause I'd heard about it but Sakura said it would take too long so I filled up some balloons and we threw them at you and then you threw them back and then my hair changed color and I started sounding weird and then you woke up and looked at us and pleasedon'tkillussensei!"

Taking a moment to parse through the wall of babble, Ranma pursed her lips. Then she started chuckling. "Oh, is that all? I thought you were trying to ruin the books or somethin'."

The genin looked at her incredulously. Sakura was the first to speak up. "So... you aren't mad?"

Ranma waved her hand dismissively. "If you coulda' gotten me with somethin' that lame, I woulda' deserved it." At her words they slumped to the ground, relief getting the better of them. "Ah, you three alright?"

Looking up with wide eyes, Naruto seemed to actually sparkle. "Sensei, you have to be the coolest sensei ever! I am so psyched! You gotta teach me how you did that stuff! You will won't you? You just gotta!"

Leaning back from the bundle of enthusiasm, Ranma's mind raced. Sensei? Where would they get the idea- Oh. They were in a school, the kids were obviously students, and she had just scared the ever livin' crap out of them. Of course they thought she was an instructor. "Eh, sorry kid, I ain't got the time. I'm... waitin' on somebo-"

"That's us!" Apparently his enthusiasm for her skills had dwarfed his earlier fright. "We were told to wait here for you, but I guess they didn't realize you were already here. That was one awesome jutsu sensei!"

This was getting ridiculous. She had to put a stop to this and fast. "Uh look, you got the wrong idea here."

Sakura chose that moment to speak up. "You mean you aren't our sensei? What are all these books for then?"

"Uh."

Oblivious to Ranma's growing irritation, she continued. "Obviously they're far below someone of your level. You can't be Mizuki's replacement since I saw the man replacing him earlier today, and there aren't any other openings in the staff. The only possible explanation is that you're a jounin sensei. Since we're the last left, you must be waiting for us. I know we're a little inexperienced, but we've all trained really hard to get here and we won't let you down." Hah! Sensei couldn't help but be impressed with her use of reasoning and observational skills. She wasn't top of the class on the written exams for nothing. They were bound to be accepted now and it was all thanks to her. Sasuke couldn't do any better! She ignored the white lie she told when she included Naruto in the 'trained hard' bit, but if it was for Sasuke, she'd hammer quadratics into the brat's pea brain!

Ranma, on the other hand, was trying to escape the corner she'd been painted into. This was why she couldn't stand brats. There was no reasoning with them. And why were they even in the building? A quick glance at the clock on the wall told her it was well past school hours. What kind of sensei, especially a jounin sensei, would leave a bunch of brats unatt-

Suddenly, it clicked. There was only one jounin who could be so lazy, only one pain in the ass ninja who would leave his messes for unassuming innocents to stumble into. Ranma had spent the last week and a half well. Everything from geography to laws to military discipline. Anything that could help her make sense of whatever this hell was, only leaving to forage for food. It was those forays into the city that had been the most dangerous. While she had no doubt she could handle any dozen regular ninja and still make her escape, there were some who were a cut above the rest. One-eye was one of them.

Unlike other ninja, he didn't seem to follow a strict regimen. He just seemed to wander wherever his feet took him. As he had been one of those few who could sense her before she perfected the Umisenken, learning everything about her opponent had taken priority. Fortunately, it hadn't taken long to learn that those masked dorks carried a so called bingo book with them that contained essential knowledge about all ranking ninja, foreign and domestic. Lifting a copy had been simple enough and it had told her all she needed to know.

Looking back on it, the reason one-eye had been about so much lately was obviously because he was being assigned to teach these kids. Since he couldn't show up on time if his life depended on it, that left his students agitated and over-energized. Knowing why she was in the mess she was in didn't help her escape it though. This was a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow up in her face. Another glance at the clock reassured her that she had at least another hour before he showed up, giving her plenty of time to come up with a plan. She couldn't just leave them. They'd spill their guts for sure. She hadn't scared them that much... yet.

It was then that an idea formed in her mind. A terrible, no good idea. After all, it wasn't in her nature to let others dictate her actions. To be chased sure, but only in the paths she set down. These ninja were a paranoid lot. Going missing was one of their greatest crimes. Going missing nin for even a few hours would leave them putty in her hands, just begging her to fix it. And fix it she would. No matter how paranoid he was, the Hokage wasn't going to string up genin wannabes just for getting a bit lost. They wouldn't know that though.

Ranma remembered her father's training when she was young. It seemed like he had an iron fist. Of course, then she grew up and realized it was all bullshit, but still, that was a useful weakness to exploit. Play the foreign nin to the hilt, without actually threatening anything. No sense in making claims she wasn't interested in backing up even if she could. Not only would she get out of this scott free, but she'd gain some ins too! It was perfect! Besides, Genma was always harping on how Ranma was supposed to take over the dojo and teach. Might as well get a good start on it! Man, was this how Nabs always felt? No wonder she always looked like the squirrel that ate the canary!

"Um, sensei?" A hesitant voice broke through her musings.

"Yeah?"

"Ah, w-why were you cack... um, laughing like that? I- did I say something wrong?"

Ah crap, she never did have the best poker face. Glancing over the genin she saw that she had managed to freak them out again. "Oh, uh, I do that sometimes. Don' worry about it." That didn't seem to reassure her, but no matter. "Alright, you got me. I guess I could give you three a try."

"Yes! I knew you wouldn't let us down, sensei! You're the best!" The orange kid's enthusiasm threatened to sweep up her ego and hug it to death, but she contained the unexpected glow the kid's words had on her.

"Ah ah ah. Not so fast. I said I'd give you a try. Beyond that, no promises."

"What!? But you have to, we've got our hitai-ite and everything!"

Poking his forehead protector, Ranma set about demolishing Tang's complaint. "Just because some know-it-all chuunin said you're half decent doesn't mean I'll agree. You don't just walk up to the most experienced fighter in the village and say 'hey, teach me!' You gotta audition first. If I don't like what I see, I toss you back. Honestly, are you all that ignorant? Didn't you look up what it meant to get a jounin sensei?" By Pinky's shocked and ashamed face, and the others' clueless ones, she figured they hadn't. Perfect. "Every jounin tests potentials first. For every team that makes it," She paused dramatically, "two fail." She grinned at their shocked looks. She had them. "So, if you wanna just waltz into this genin gig, yer gonna hafta find another sensei, cause I ain't it."

For a long moment they were silent and Ranma worried that perhaps she had pushed them too far. They were only kids after all, but then Tang looked up at her. Standing up straighter, he announced, "Bring it on! I will never give up! Even if you won't be our sensei, I'll still be Hokage! Believe it!"

Hey, not bad. Well, for a snot nosed, loud mouthed brat anyway.

"Alright then, time... to go on a training trip." And get the hell outta Dodge.

AN:

Whew, OK, where to start... I suppose more than a few of you are thinking, "Great, another Ranma pops up outta nowhere and trains team seven? It's seven right? OK fair warning right now, I stopped bothering with Naruto years ago, even before the time skip, because it was getting too annoying. I liked several of the side characters and some of the action was admittedly very cool but... Aaaargh! I hated the main chars, hate hate hated them. Kakashi was amusing for an admittedly broken char, but the rest were awful. Annoying genki kid who never gives up? Check. Annoying pseudo-cool kid with stick jammed faaar up his butt? Check. Annoying useless girl there to make up the numbers? Check aaand check. It also took the "women are weak, we must protect them" thing far too seriously for my feminist sensibilities. An experienced trauma surgeon who can't stand the sight of blood? Seriously? Ugh, no thanks. Anyway, fair warning, I'm making liberal use of the Naruto wikia and other sources, and I have an excellent memory when it isn't on the fritz, but I am seriously out of touch (It is team seven by the way, I just checked).

Now, back to the questions. Ranma pops up, agrees to train team seven, crazy shenanigans ensue. Totally derivative, not to mention unimaginative right? Weeell, yeah, pretty much. I gots nothing. While I've enjoyed the other stories on here that follow this formula, there's no need for another one. If I were to complain about anything in them, it would be the rocky start most get. Walked through a ki door or banished by Happy to the exact spot where team seven is anxiously awaiting their sensei? Hilarious, but painfully obvious in intent. Ranma betrayed by idiots who've never managed to successfully betray him before, then left for dead at the doorsteps of friendly ninja at the exact same age as the titular hero? Good set-up for an eventual plot, something this particular author does well, but still kinda pushing the boundaries of suspension of belief. Hopefully I've managed to smooth the process over, though it's still pretty damn obvious. As for my reasons for jumping on the bandwagon, well here goes. Just so you understand, I'm not like the majority of writers on this site. Putting up the story one chapter at a time seems counterproductive. Most people never get anywhere, meander meaninglessly for a few years, and then give up. While some people do manage it, personally, I'd rather write the whole story up front, giving me free reign to throw out entire chapters if I wish, then put the finished product up like almost all professional writers do. So why am I not doing that here? Three reasons. One, I do check out others' work from time to time and I figure if I'm gonna complain about their grammar and such, I should at least put something up for others to poke back at me on (put my money where my mouth is). Two, my other stories, which total about a dozen or so, still counting those that will become eventual series as one, are in deadlock and I can't seem to get started, even when I know where I'm going. My hope is that this exploration into pointless fluff will get the juices flowing without undue pressure. Three, unlike my other stories, this is firmly a PWP (Plot? What plot?) story, so it doesn't matter where I stop as there is no defined end (the comic is still ongoing as I understand so... yeah like I could end it canonically anyway).

Finally, why the hell am I writing team seven if I despise them so? Well, I like giving myself some challenge and I figure trying to write characters I don't like in a way that pleases me without corrupting their nature (without due reason anyway) is as good a start as any (one of my stories has quite a bit of Akane in it, even though I find her painfully boring, if not quite the demonic harpy others do... don't worry Akane haters, I've got another one that totally demonizes her, as well as most everybody else, in the works, so you won't be left out). I've already done a few painfully obvious things and I've got some more up my sleeve for Sasuke. Oh, and as far as the Ranma stuck as a girl thing? The main reason I find Ranma so interesting is because of the curse. Anything I write will focus on that aspect, usually with an outright lock. That is non-negotiable. If you absolutely hate that then I politely suggest you shove off, your mournful wails only serve to feed my dark power. There are plenty of stories where male macho Ranma cuts down all before him, like wheat before the reaper. This Ranma will be plenty strong, as to fit in with the ridiculous displays in Naruto, but I hope to have her focus more on stealth and cunning then is typical in a Ranma fic. Hopefully you noticed the three time skips. All had obvious effects, but the first was most important. Again, hopefully it was enough to explain her current character. I shamelessly abused the "Oh look, did I just topple a mountain? Hey a penny!" outlook so typical of Ranma chars to get her psyche where I wanted it without ridiculous(there's that word again! had to use it five times... I'm so weird) levels of angst and plotting.

Ahem. Also, like I alluded to before, when it comes to grammar in fiction, I can be somewhat tyrannical, so feel free to rip me a new one on anything you find, grammar, spelling, plot (I know what I said on PWP before! Like that matters?). I'm particularly interested in what anyone might think about my intro and how I handled characterization. Sasuke felt particularly weak to me so I've left him mostly silent so far, as I'm sure you noticed (you did notice right? Right?!). He's a grunty char anyway so it shouldn't be too much of a big deal yet. I took a somewhat unusual approach for my style this time. Instead of focusing on one main char, their POV dominant until an obvious and major shift, such as a new chapter, I bounced back and forth, the POV shifting depending on whoever was driving the conversation or plot. Naruto is energetic and forceful, Sakura is forceful and sarcastic, Sasuke is brooding and low-key, and Ranma is confident and painfully ignorant of obvious changes in her environment, which allows for some amusing jokes and promises to let me toy with readers in the future as well. I'd been toying with an arrogant yet oblivious type in an original piece I've got and this seemed like a good place to practice. It all sort of fell into place really. It's still obviously rather rough, first time and all and it sort of came about as an accident, as much of this style wasn't my original intention, but all-in-all I'm rather pleased with it and I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts either. Of course, no worries on reviewing if you don't feel like it. Even if I get zero views, I'm doing this for myself anyway, and I know how difficult it can be to write a good review. Although personally my troubles come from trying to give advice without sounding like an ass, then coming across as a bastard instead. Eh, it's an aspie thing. Anybody who tries to tell you their bad behaviour (wot wot, yes I've read just about as much English lit as American so this might happen a lot) is because of Aspergers is totally lying though. Having someone point out that you were unintentionally rude is always humiliating, we just get so focused(read obsessed) on details that little things like people's feelings get forgotten. Like I've always said, when I insult you, I want you to know it was on purpose!

Anyway, I've got no editor(Excuses!), beyond myself. Just to let you know that is, I'm not looking for help or anything, but this is pretty much the rough draft. Eh, I've gone over it about a dozen times so far. That's pretty average for a rough draft. When I get my other stories up and running I do intend to post the first chapter of each as a sort of teaser. It will still just be rough drafts, as I might do a drastic rewrite or even throw them out completely if I find they don't match my end product properly, but they should be good indicators. Of course, this will likely take a long time (twelve+ stories at once, some full on series? With more being added all the time? Yeah, understatement) but, short of death or the end of ff net, I fully intend to finish and post them here. I am doing this for myself after all, and if you can't count on selfishness, what can you count on? Now, on to chapters two and three, which I will likely write before posting this, in clear contradiction to what I said before... Yeah, don't bother trying to figure me out. I'm crazy and I've literally got the papers to prove it. Aspergers counts as crazy right? OCD certainly makes me feel like I'm insane.

Mistakes found since original release: 13

Stylistic Edits: 4


	2. Got Up On The Wrong Side

Chapter 2

Got Up On The Wrong Side

"Aaaaaaaah!" Once again, Naruto was screaming. Unlike most of his exclamations, however, this one was honestly motivated by sheer terror. Although, given the recent change to his vocal cords, it could more aptly be described as a shriek.

"I swear to whatever gods are listening Naruto! If we survive this, I will kill you! What the hell were you thinking!?" The pure vehemence radiating from what he assumed was the position Sakura was in behind him did nothing to stall his headlong hapless rush through the thick forest.

"Why is it my fault!? You were bugging her too! And who the hell would think she meant this when she said-!?"

"Left! _Left_!" Sasuke's interjection into the conversation had them quickly rebounding off tree trunks. Just in time too, as a violent eruption had gouts of flame and debris filling the area they had just vacated. Normally he wouldn't be so charitable with those he considered nuisances. Unfortunately, that was what led to his current predicament. Setting off on his own had quickly left him paralyzed from the neck down at the hands of their instructor. Now he was reduced to the fireman's carry Sakura desperately had him in, watching for the slightest movement in their blind spot as warning.

"She said it was a game! To pass the time till we got... wherever! What was I supposed to think‽"

Truthfully, Sakura knew he was right, but stress relief wasn't readily forthcoming. She couldn't even enjoy holding Sasuke, stressed as she was. "You were supposed to think she's a psycho who could crush us like bugs if she wanted too! Never agree to anything she says is fun again! Ever! This. Is not! _Fun_!"

A distant, though not distant enough, cry of, "It is for me!" did nothing to sate her ire as they once again found themselves in silent agreement on their sensei.

Following at a short distance, Ranma watched as they stumbled into another of the exploding tag traps she kept laying down. Had to hand it to ninja ingenuity, those things were damn useful. Watching the kids in action had lent a few surprises, learning that shadow clone technique was a must, but for the most part everything was as she had expected. Half-way decent reflexes, crap senses, crappier martial ability, and a few basic techniques with a basic mastery over them. They were starting to work together pretty well though. Well, once she got it through Grunty's head that leaving her team was a stupid idea, anyway. At least that got Pinky motivated, though she was still the worst by far. Tang seemed to have pretty good reserves, about average or even a little above for a martial artist of Ranma's own caliber. That was surprising. Everything else was sub-par though.

She was starting to get a picture of her students finally, and remembering a few things as well. It... wasn't good. Tang had to be the so called fox brat. Nobody else wore clothes like that. She'd heard a few things while wandering and it had made her curious. Yeah, big ass fox demon shows up, destroys half the village, then disappears? And they just so happen to start calling one kid that derogatory name for no reason? Yeah, no. There's only one thing you do with demons you can't beat. Seal 'em. Since that was twelve years ago and Tang was about twelve, that led to some unpleasant conclusions.

Then there was Grunty. She'd recognized the symbol on her backside after a while of hard thinking. Uchiha. More importantly, the Uchiha massacre. With that in mind it wasn't all that surprising the kid abandoned her team first chance she got. Not a good outlook for her future. Ranma could do a few things about it, especially since people around here seemed to be ki deprived, but it would be pretty damn drastic. Probably necessary though. Considering what happened, and that Grunty was supposedly there for the whole mess when she was younger, it would probably even be merciful. Wasn't like they had head docs in this place. Ranma would just have to make do.

Pinky just seemed to be a throwaway that was unknowingly caught in the middle of village politics she couldn't possibly see, much less understand. Her crush on Grunty was odd, but Ranma was too damn tired to care about that crap anymore. Especially without anyone harping at her to do something about it. Considering Ranma's current state, that made her odd too, so... Hell, it might actually be a good thing, get Grunty to loosen up a bit.

Ranma sighed heavily. This was just supposed to be a quick head screw, now she and her damn morality were caught in it but good. There was no way she could leave these kids to fend for themselves like this. They deserved a chance at least. Agh, whatever. If she was going to do this, she would do it right. Get things in order and take 'em head on one at a time. Sitting around worrying was just too annoying. First she had to do something about their ki. It had taken a bit of studying, and wouldn't Akane crack up if she knew that, but she'd finally figured that chakra crap out. What she'd found had chilled her to the bone.

Ki was colloquially referred to as spiritual energy, but really, it was just excess energy that flowed through the environment naturally. Taking that energy and putting it to use was what made a ki adept, and using it for fighting made you a martial artist. This usually opened up the pathways further than normal, but everybody had at least some flowing into them at all times.

Here though, the free flowing ki was... corrupted somehow. The Land of Fire, named for the elemental type of 'chakra' that dominated the region. It had driven her crazy the first few days she'd been here. A normal person would have been crippled. She tried not to contemplate exactly what a baby would go through.

So, somehow, that had led people to close off the natural flow of ki into their bodies. They obviously still had the pathways, as far as she could tell from the diagrams she had found. They were just blocked or stunted or twisted around and considered of lesser importance than those that handled chakra.

And what was chakra? Physical energy taken and molded, twisted really, by mental energies. This by itself wasn't a big deal, she did the same thing with her ki after all, but, unlike herself, these ninja didn't have an ever present reservoir waiting to refill what they used. They were literally using up their life.

It had been something of a shock to see just how old the Hokage really was. Sixty-eight. Hell, her pops was nearly fifty. If it weren't for the hair, he'd look just as young as he did when she was born. Her mother certainly didn't look any older. That didn't even touch on the masters who had reached multiple centuries of life. The old letch could extend his life without anything more than sleep. He didn't even need to _breath_ if he was properly hibernating. Even normal people that lived long enough sometimes found they'd gotten up to start their day and accidentally left their flagging body behind. It was a difference that was staggering. It was almost no wonder these people were so antsy. Life was a lot more fragile here.

That still left her with a problem though. If a normal person, one who'd lived their whole life feeling the flow of ki within them, would be crippled, these kids would probably just die. So she couldn't just open them up. Serious meditation would be necessary to learn how to control and filter the inflowing energy. That meant she had to get them to sit still for hours a day. Even she wouldn't like that. There was no hope at all for them to get it right.

Hmm, perhaps, instead of opening a few up at a time, maybe just a tiny one? She'd have to be careful, opening one would wake the others, but if done right, that would leave them seriously inconvenienced. Enough so that sitting still and fixing it might seem more palatable. Hah! She knew just the one too. Yes, this might actually work. Once she wasn't afraid of working her students literally to death, then they could- whoops. That one had been a little closer than she had meant. Ah well, they were fine. Ish.

She'd had them running for a good few hours. One-eye had to have noticed his missing genin problem by now. Once they extracted themselves from that nasty spiders' nest, and who knew spiders grew that big outside of Ryugenzawa, she'd gather them up and get them sorted. Hmm, what do Grunty and Pinky think they're up to?

Frankly, Sakura had just been running blindly. Arachnophobia was hardly an uncommon fear, but even if you weren't afraid of spiders, these freaks of nature would change anybody's mind. She wasn't sure which was more terrifying, the gigantic demon at the center of the nest, or its children, whose gaping maws were more eye level. They seemed to come in two types, fast and hulking, leaving her no choice but to jump between tree trunks and their backs to avoid being overrun. Naruto was losing those weird solid clones of his by the dozens.

"Sakura!"

Aah! That one nearly took her head! "What!?" She did _not_ shriek at Sasuke. "Which way Sasuke!?" An appearance by that red-headed bitch was the last thing she needed right now. She took to the higher branches where it was harder for the larger ones to get at her. She needed total freedom of movement to be able to dodge anything that crazy-

"No, you need to swing me around! You can't use hand seals like this!"

"What!? Are you crazy!? You'll just fall off! And even if I did, so what!? I've got nothing that could stop these, never mind-"

"Shut up! Listen! Swing me around and tie me off. You're going to use a jutsu I know. It's horse, tiger, ram, monkey, boar, horse, tiger. It's a fire release jutsu. You control it by-"

"What!?" He had to be losing his mind. "I can't form fire chakra yet Sasuke! Even if I could I don't have the chakra to-" Argh, they were everywhere! Jumping up, a clone caught her and tossed them off to the side, right before being summarily eaten and dispelled.

"You'll use mine! Naruto doesn't have the control, you do! There's no time, just do it! Thumb and index in a circle Sakura, that's how you- aah!" A lucky swipe scraped across their sides, catching Sasuke more than Sakura. She flipped forward, rolling underneath one she'd taken to calling big Bertha, and dodged around the little stabby ones, heading toward the greatest mass of clones. A few smaller greenish ones, gremlins, her mind feverishly supplied, suddenly appeared and, opening their mouths, let loose a flurry of spikes.

_They're spitting now!? Oh god, we're so dead._ "Naruto! Help! Cord!" Somehow he already had it ready. Swinging around, they regrouped in a small clearing near a rock wall. There was a bottleneck entrance which would hopefully work in their favor and not just turn their death from quick and painful into slow and excruciating. One Naruto quickly helped them change positions.

"This had better work you bastard! If you get Sakura hurt!"

"Shut up!" The concern was nice, but she preferred being injured and alive to being nice and dead right now. "And how do you even know-"

"Clones."

Well, that was a puzzle for another week she wasn't about to die in. "This had better work!" Quickly, she felt out for Sasuke's chakra. Feeling it surging at her back, and not even thinking how that made her feel, she started the seals. Horse, tiger, ram, monkey, the horde was almost upon them, boar, horse, tiger. "Fire release!" Rearing back with the deepest breath she had ever taken, feeling the foreign chakra surging within her, she released it with one simple word. "Die!"

Her breath exploded in a fiery tumult. She nearly lost control, and several clones paid the price, but her will was done. The approaching monsters died by the dozens, their stupid animal hunger having left them clumped right in her fire's path.

Finally, the fire guttered out, leaving a war-zone of destruction in its wake, a wretched few dragging their bodies with whatever they had left. Whoa. And eww. Just eww.

"Sakura! You did it! That was amazing!" She was too exhausted, the rush of endorphins finally subsiding, to correct him on Sasuke's involvement. It had nothing to do with the glow his words brought up in her.

"Good job, Sakura." Sasuke tiredly said into her ear.

_Eeee! Sasuke complimented me! Yes!_

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Death Incarnate chose to remind them of its presence. It seemed to have no problem shoving the trees out of its way, and the rock was far too slick and smooth to climb with anything near the rapidity they needed. In another time and place, Sakura might have chided herself on her new habit of giving odd names out. Strange what the prospect of death does to a person. "Sasuke? How many of those do you have left? I think we need it." Instead of answering, she felt him bring another surge to the fore. "Okay, here goes... here goes."

This time, with some experience under her belt, she was a little quicker and less wasteful. Eking out every last drop of chakra the two had, she again drew back. "Fire release!" Foregoing any desperate last words, she focused entirely on controlling the chakra. Again the fire reached out. This time far larger than the first, the monstrosity was quickly enveloped. It let out an ear-shattering screech, causing Sakura to nearly drop the jutsu to clutch at her ears, but she somehow held on. Finally, after several seconds longer than she thought should be possible, her jutsu gave out and she slumped to the ground, drained completely. There, that was it. She had done it.

Unfortunately, her self-congratulations were premature. Death Incarnate was aptly named. It staggered for a moment, then reared back, loosing a cry far more painful than the last. "Oh god. It's on fire now! It's pissed off and it's on fire!" Her panic overtaking her, she fell on all fours, hoping beyond hope that she could somehow drag herself and Sasuke to safety. A bit of orange caught in the corner of her eye. Naruto, rushing out. What did he think he was..?

Seeing his teammates collapse, Naruto knew it was up to him. He didn't know how, but he had to protect them. Chakra surged from his body, forming a dozen more clones. He barely had the energy to make that. They briefly formed a squad around him, then shot out to the sides as the flaming legs crashed into the soil, nearly crushing Naruto himself. The clones each landed on the surrounding branches and trunks, using them to rebound directly towards the spider. Drawing weapons, they each let out a valiant cry... and were promptly dispelled by the flames. Had the situation not been so dire, Sakura would have burst out laughing at the comical look on his face. Instead, all she could do was look on in horror as a leg drew back and swung around, slamming into Naruto and flinging him back behind her. She felt as much as heard the bone-shattering crunch as his body struck the stone, then landed on the forest floor. "S-Saku..." Whatever he was trying to say was drowned out by the approaching beast.

This was it. They'd done all they could and it wasn't nearly enough. She had failed Sasuke, failed Naruto. Feeling her will slip from her grasp, she took one final defiant look up, demanding that much of herself at least. It was because of this that she caught it at all. Out of nowhere, a flash of crimson dashed out far faster than she had ever seen anything move before. It leaped forward and crashed into the spider's flaming body. Instead of rebounding or even sending both to the ground, the figure's legs seemed to absorb the blow. Then, in an instant, they snapped out in what looked like a reverse axe kick, sending the spider crashing back through the trees, and leaving the figure hanging impossibly for a few moments. Slowly, majestically, she floated to the ground. It was her. She had removed her headgear, revealing the deep red of her hair, tied back in a simple pigtail. Flashing Sakura a grin, she turned around. It was then that Sakura saw what they had again forgotten. More spiders, dozens. Of course.

They had badly miscalculated. Belatedly she realized that even if the second fireball had worked, they would still be left with all of that on top of chakra exhaustion. The numbers didn't seem to bother their savior however. She simply stood in a relaxed stance as they bore down on her. It wasn't until they were literally on top of her that she even bothered to move, and when she did, it was almost lazily. She weaved through the throng with ease, striking almost imperceptibly, but with precision and power. Stabbing prongs missed, needles were plucked out of the air, bodies thrown contemptuously away. It was a dance, not like a dance, but literally a dance. Beautiful, hypnotic, and oh so deadly. It was over almost too soon. Sakura could do nothing but gaze in amazement.

It was then that the brood mother made its return, shrieking in rage. Instead of cringing in fear, this time Sakura felt elated, overjoyed at the prospect of this fight. This... this wasn't her, it was their sensei. Shikumi, she had used it before. But this, this was so much more. Instead of crushing her under its weight, this lifted her up, confidence filling her to overflowing. Shikumi didn't do this. This was the very opposite, taken to the utmost heights of its possibilities. Before she knew it, Sakura was standing again, held up by this unknown power. Raising a hand, again lax in movement, the jounin slowly pointed it in the direction of the spider. As if sensing the change in its fortune, the beast roared and made to rush forward. Motes of light started dancing around the nin's body, flowing up into her outstretched hand. Concentrated chakra, Sakura absently noted. To see chakra, even in part, without a special bloodline, took massive amounts of it concentrated in a small area. This was a full orb of light. The gathering chakra seemed to crescendo in might, then, suddenly, just as the beast was on top of them, the jounin spoke.

"Moko... Takabisha." Fierce tiger... domineering? Before Sakura could fully decipher the meaning of the name, the glowing ball of chakra loosed itself and shot out. The spider didn't even have a chance to scream. It was picked up and hurled backwards at an impossible rate. She could only watch in wonder as it tore through the forest, leaving a huge gash along the ground, until she could no longer even hear it. Amazing.

A sudden pressure on her shoulder had her looking back. Her sensei was standing in front of her. She was so short, barely taller than Sakura herself. How such a small body could hold so much power, it was beyond her understanding. But she wanted to understand. Looking into those clear eyes, she felt a mad desire to possess that feeling in any way possible. "Heh, not bad. You three actually impressed me." The words came with a carefree grin, one that made Sakura want to either tear her own eyes out, or give the jounin the fiercest hug she'd ever received. Not being able to do either, she compromised. As she collapsed into her sensei's arms, her eyesight failing her, the last thing she saw was concerned blue eyes, a halo of crimson radiating outward.

~o0{O}0o~

Warm. That's how Sakura felt. Warm and full, as if she'd just finished the best meal of her life and was now lazing under a warm blanket, which, now that her senses were coming into focus, was actually true, as far as the blanket went. Opening her eyes slightly, she saw the dusky sky, the sun obviously having just set. Putting that aside as less important, she began to wonder about the hemmed in feeling she was getting. A feeling that was obviously coming from the two warm bodies at her sides. The two warm bodies with warm, enveloping arms. The warm enveloping arms that were even now enthusiastically squeezing her. Squeezing her... "Eeeeeee!" Her eyes shooting wide open, her brain furiously trying to come up with an explanation, she did the only thing she could. She froze solid.

"Eh? What's goin' on?" Naruto, that was him to her right. But who? A short familiar grunt let her know. It was Sasuke. She was in bed with Sasuke. And Naruto. At the same time. Together. In bed. With her. Squeezing her! Squeezing her... Her face was so flushed by this point she was certain she would start hemorrhaging to death at any moment. "Wha- Aaah! Sakura! No! I di- I'msorrypleasedon'tkillme!"

Somehow, Naruto's panic relieved some of her own. Movement to her left let her know that Sasuke had awoken as well. Leaning up, he turned to look at her. "Sorry." Short and to the point. That was so Sasuke.

"Ah, d-don't worry about it." Thank you god!

"R-really?" Naruto's hopeful voice had her turning around to look at him.

Well, she supposed she should have been mad, but... it was too late now, and it wasn't like he hurt anything. Besides... The direction those thoughts were going in had her blushing all the more. "Um, yeah, don't worry about it Naruto." The relieved look on his face was kind of cu- gaah! Where did that come fro-

"Phbbbt- Ahahahahaha! Oh, oh no, that was great. Ha hahahaaa." That was neither Naruto nor Sasuke. Turning, the three of them found their sensei rolling on the ground, laughing her guts out at them. She had apparently returned her goggles and bandana to her face, but the hat had fallen when she had. "Oh, oh man. Heh, heheh. Always wondered what that looked like from the outside. Now I know why people were always cracking up around me."

She hadn't even bothered to get up off the ground when she addressed them. What kind of sensei was she! "You! You tried to kill us! What do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Yeah! What the hell was that!"

Still chuckling, the jounin made to rise. "Eh, what about you Grunty? You got any complaints?" Giving her a long considering look, Sasuke slowly shook his head. "Heh, good. At least one of you gets it."

"Sasuke? What..?" Their sensei just tried to kill them and he was just brushing it off?

"They activated." His words were so low she almost didn't hear him.

"What did you say?"

Looking over at her briefly, he just made a dismissive movement of his hand.

Drawing their attention back to her, their sensei spoke. "So, you two still pissed?"

"Hell yeah we're pissed! That was crazy! You can't just do that to us!" Naruto was really wound up. Sakura wanted to agree, but was caught between her anger and Sasuke's dismissal.

"Well, I got just the thing ta make sure it never happens again."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

Leaning forward, Ranma spoke conspiratorially. "Give up on being ninja."

"What!? No way! Why the hell should we do that!?"

"Sensei, that's too much!"

"Oh? And just what do you think being a ninja means? Getting spoon-fed for the rest of your lives?" Tang's retort died on her lips. It was obviously time for that wake-up call they'd been missing. "Being ninja means fighting, not just for your life, but for stupid things like other people's money and pride. If you're gonna get all prissy over a few bugs, give up. I mean it. Well, what's yer answer? Still pissed?"

"...No sensei." Pinky was properly chastened now. Tang just shook her head. Ah well, she'd get it one way or another.

"Alright you three, come on over here. Might as well get started." Watching her move to sit on a nearby fallen tree, and noticing they were near the edge of the forest now, the three cautiously moved to follow. "Okay, first things first. As far as the test goes, you passed."

"Yes! I knew it! We are awesome!" Naruto started dancing around and Sakura had a huge grin on her face. Even Sasuke's smirk looked extra pleased.

"Whoa, hold on there. I said you passed. I didn't say you passed with flying colors or anything." At their offended looks Ranma frowned. "Don't get me wrong, you did fine, and honestly, I blame your teachers more than anything, but when I was your age a few creepy crawlies wouldn't have given me nearly the trouble you three had." Now that was a splash of cold water to their faces. Now to give them the rundown and see how they took it. "Let's see. Taijutsu, sub-par, especially you Tang."

Tang took a moment before she realized she was being addressed. "T-Tang!?" but Ranma didn't have time to deal with hissy fits.

"Reflexes, meh. Senses, crap. Grunty, you shoulda' sensed me twice as fast as you did, especially since you didn't have anything else to do." Grunty just scowled a bit. "You have an okay assortment of jutsu, but you obviously don't have any experience using them in the field. Pinky," Pinky glanced up, shock evident at the appellation. "you've got a decent grasp of the basics, but you gotta be able to put it ta use, and Tang, always test your jutsu to their fullest before you go running off ta use them in battle. You had no idea how much damage those clones of yours could take did ya?" Tang just looked abashed and Pinky didn't seem to know whether to protest or beg forgiveness. "Battlefield awareness was pretty bad too, although, Tang, you did better than I expected. Tell me, when one a' those clones goes poof, what happens?"

"Ah, well..." Ranma just waited patiently, no need to put them too off. She needed them to be able to reason through a battle and that took experience. "When it dispels, it's like, I get everything it did. And I know what it knew! Like a-"

"Mini-you right?"

"Yeah! How did you know?"

Heh, time to dazzle them a bit. "Well, you were responding to your teammates a lot faster than should have been possible unless you're psychic, and you ain't nearly at that stage of your training yet, so I just made a guess." There we go, nice and impressed.

"Wait, psychic? And what do you mean at that stage? You can't just train up a whole bloodline limit!" Pinky was a little too smart for her own good.

"Depends on who's trainin' ya. As far as what I mean by psychic, it's sensing the intent anyone around you has. When that intent turns hostile, you sense it and your reflexes just kick in. I can do it even in my sleep, but with a bit of practice you should be able to get basic feelings outta those around you. Of course, if the person doesn't mean to hurt you, or there's no intent behind it, like somebody accidentally knocking a pot from a window above your head, then you just gotta rely on yer other senses. Can be a bitch. I've seen more'n one get taken out cause they were relying too much on one sense." That seemed to knock the wind out of them. Slowly, Pinky raised her hand.

"Um, but sensei, this sounds like a bloodline limit. How can you possibly..?" Trailing off, she gave an expectant look.

"Heh, well, in a way, I guess it is a bloodline, but a martial artist is the master of the human body. I know some tricks that'll get things going in you. It's really more to do with energy and mind than your body anyway. I know tricks that can leave ya weak as a baby, turn the feeling of mild heat inta scorching, even make ya forget yer own face. It's all under my power." That left them speechless. Finally, Pinky again took to the fore.

"Sensei, this sounds amazing, but... how come I've never heard of this? A bloodline as powerful as yours would be famous."

"Why the hell would I advertise it? Ninja are crazy. I've heard a' more'n one clan that got wiped out because they didn't know how ta keep quiet." Grunty's eyes darkened. Ranma had definitely hit a sore spot.

"But..." Clearly that wasn't enough of an answer.

"Why am I telling you then?" Pinky nodded. "Simple, if ya piss me off, I just make everything ya know about me disappear." Well, it wasn't nearly that simple, she'd have to kidnap them and keep them for a few days while she worked the pressure points on their heads. She knew it was possible, but she'd never actually seen it done herself. With their defenses weakened by a lack of ki, she wouldn't need any special herbs to work her own into their bodies, but it would still be trial and error. Fortunately, there had been no lack of volunteers since she'd gotten here, but it was still a work in progress. And now that they were good and terrified again, "Relax, I'm sure three upstanding young ninja like yourselves would never do anythin' ta piss me off like that, right?" The vehement nods she received were rather comical. "So, with that decided, welcome to Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu."

"Um, indiscriminate..?"

"Just call it Anything Goes alright?" They hesitantly nodded. "Alright, one last thing, and this is a big one. I've been putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore." She gave them each a hard look, and they gulped. "What... are your names?" They collectively fell off their seats.

"What!? How can you go all this time without knowing that!? That's important!"

Ranma just waved dismissively, "Didn't actually expect to keep you three. Like I said, I was kinda impressed."

"Naruto Uzumaki! That's my name, and you damn well better not forget it!"

"Sakura! Sa-ku-ra Haruno! Not _Pinky_!"

"Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha." Grunty at least knew how to contain herself.

"Well then, name's Ranma, Saotome Ranma. Saotome is the family name and the branch of Anything Goes you'll be learnin'." At their looks she said, "Don't ask, it's a cultural thing where I'm from."

Unable to contain herself any longer, Tang, Naruto, jumped up and started shouting. "Whoo! Yes! We did it! We're finally ninja!" Oh. Right. She'd nearly forgotten that little detail. Oh well, they'd understand. Probably.

"Eh, not quite. First, for now you're just students. Second. I can't actually train you to be ninja."

There was a long pause, then, "What!?" Geez, 'Ruto sure had a good set of lungs.

"Sensei! Are you just screwing with us!?"

Flashing Pinky a grin, she replied, "Well, maybe a little, but I'm tellin' ya the truth when I say I can't train ya ta be ninja."

"But... but why no-ot?" Ah great, now 'Ruto was whining and giving her the puppy dog eyes. Ah well, they had to find out sooner or later.

"Because I'm not a ninja..." Total silence, the shock on 'Ruto's and Pinky's faces was great.

"What the hell are you talking about!" Here we go.

"But- but you have a Konoha hitai-ite!"

"Stole it."

"Those techniques!"

"Not ninja techniques."

"You lied to us!"

"Ye-ep" That seemed to stop them cold.

"Sasuke, say something!" She regarded Ranma for a moment, then turned to the others.

"It's fine."

"F-fine!? But Sasuke! If she isn't our sensei then... Oh no. We just ran out on our jounin sensei! That means, that means... Missing nin! We're missing nin!"

"Yep, got it in one."

"Nooo! I can't be a missing nin! I have to become Hokage!" Hokage? Right, the kid had mentioned that before. Well, kid knew how to dream big at least.

"No! Naruto, you don't understand! Right now, there's a pissed off jounin sensei looking for us!

"Kakashi Hatake." Sas' chose that moment to butt in to their little breakdown. Ranma watched curiously at the only one not to be dismayed by her revelation.

"W-what? What was that Sasuke?"

"Kakashi Hatake. The name of our jounin sensei. The male name of our jounin sensei. Umino sensei mentioned it before he left." Sasuke regarded them with a look that could only be called scathing. Sakura looked completely blindsided, but Naruto took it completely differently.

"You knew!? How could you!? Why didn't you say anything you bastard!?"

"It wasn't important." That set 'Ruto off. She clenched her fist and made to make a swing.

"Enough horsing around you three. Honestly, like a bag of starvin' squirrels." They hadn't even seen her move, but she had a firm grip on Naruto's arm.

"Damn it, I'll never forgive you for this! I'll make you pay somehow!"

"Oh? So that means you're giving up?" At Ranma's chastening, Naruto stilled somewhat.

"B-but, we're missing nin now? How can I be Hokage if they won't even let me back in the village?" Talk about a one track mind.

"Geez, aren't ya being a little over-dramatic? You've only been gone a few hours. A good excuse and you'll be right back in the running."

"Wait," Pinky chose to make herself known again, "hours? But we had chakra exhaustion. That can take days to recover from."

"Well, I hadn't been too sure about it at first, but when I saw you sharing chakra with Sas' over there, I figured you could take a bit of my ki no trouble. Tell me, yer feeling better than ya ever have aren't ya?" At their affirming nods she continued. "Like I said, Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu. That's what I'm offering to train ya in."

They considered this for a moment, before Naruto spoke up. "But, the village."

"Ah, that's no trouble. One good excuse and you'll be fine, and it just so happens that I have one ready to go. Of course, if you ain't interested I guess I can just g-"

"No!" The demand in triplicate was a bit surprising, but good.

"Alright then, but before we go any further, I need to know that you'll be good students. My training is tough, and sometimes things won't always make sense, but I don't want ta have ta stop every three seconds ta make sure yer doin' what I told ya just 'cause you think it's useless or somethin'. You have to do everything I say, no questions, alright?"

Naruto and Sasuke seemed to have no problems agreeing, but Pinky actually looked cautious. "How do we know you aren't a spy, just using us to steal village secrets?"

"Hah, good question, but a little short-sighted. You found me in the heart of the most powerful military power you know of, unless that's just propaganda, reading what? Basic geography, history, military doctrine, stuff you've known for years right?" Again they nodded. "If I were from some other village, I wouldn't need that stuff, I'd already know it. Except I'm not. I ain't from around here. I ain't from anyplace you ever heard of. What do ya know about summonin' jutsu?"

As she expected, Pinky was the first to speak up. "Well, it's a space-time jutsu..." At Ranma's encouraging smile she continued. "Usually used to transport creatures or weapons across large distances when necessary."

"And your tech, radios and TV's and stuff, you ain't got that great of an industry here, where does most of it come from?" Sakura paused, then looked uncomfortable as she realized she didn't know. "Summoning. You get a bunch a' guys together in a room with seals covering the inside, and they use chakra to... hmm, I ain't quite figured out exactly what they're doin' yet, but they reach out with chakra to find stuff. Couple weeks ago, they found me." No sense bringing up the dead girl thing, or the used to be a boy thing, their heads already looked like they were going to pop. "Wakin' up naked surrounded by a bunch a' old men ain't my idea of a good time. Been tryin' to get back since. That involves not dyin' first, so I had ta get the lay a' the land. S'what I was up to when you stumbled over me. I was just gonna give ya a scare, but like I said, you impressed me, and I ain't sure how long I'll be here. It mighta been a one way trip." Ranma shrugged.

"That's the truth. An here's another, once yer in the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu, you got more'n a clan." Not exactly true, but traditions had to start somewhere. "The school is everything, your whole life. Perfecting it is my goal an' ta do that, I need help. So when I teach ya, I ain't gonna hold back. Everything I know, you'll know. That goes every which way, no hoarding techniques. You'll have a hard time as it is, no sense in going it alone. An I mean it about going it alone." She turned to Naruto. "You want ta be Hokage? I'll carve your damn face inta the mountain myself." Sakura was next. "You want fiancees? I'll teach ya techniques that'll have 'em beggin' ta marry ya. You can have a whole damn harem for all I care." Now for the hardest one. "You want revenge?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed dangerously. "If I have ta, I'll track him down, tie him up, an' toss him at your feet. If you'd rather do it yourself, I'll make you ten times his better. That's a promise."

They were looking at her with awe. Even Sasuke had her mouth open. She blinked, then shook herself. "You know. How-? No, it doesn't matter. Why would you do this?"

Ranma locked eyes, letting Sasuke study her for a bit. "That's a hard question ta answer without being able ta show you who I am and where I come from. We're a lot different from people around here. Short answer, you three are about ta get screwed over an' I don't like it. Be honest with yourselves, the fox kid, a survivor from a massacre, and some clanless no-name. As far as the higher ups are concerned, you're just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Putting you together keeps you contained at least, in case ya manage ta succeed somehow. This village has been pissin' me off since I got here, an' I don't let that go easily. Trainin' you up is plenty good revenge. Besides, if the Hokage an' the top two ninja are on my side, I figure I'll have a better chance at getting home. Like I said, don't go it alone if ya can help it. Especially when so many are ready an' waitin' ta screw ya over."

Strangely, Naruto seemed to be near tears. "Gramps wouldn't do that to me."

"Gramps?"

"He's the Hokage, he's always been there for me." Well, that explained the obsession, anyway.

"Maybe he wouldn't, but he ain't the only one runnin' this village, an' none of you are real popular with them."

Pinky, Sakura, looked in shock, and Sasuke's eyes had hardened. Naruto at least looked somewhat better. In fact, she looked downright stubborn. "Who cares! Even if they hate us, I'll make them change their minds! I won't stop until they do!" She turned around. "Right Sakura? Sasuke?" They both nodded, Naruto's words charging them.

Sakura seemed contemplative. "Sensei? What did you mean when you were talking about revenge and foxes?" Naruto froze and Sasuke glared. Ranma just gave an evil little grin.

"Tell ya what, Pinky. That'll be your first mission. It shouldn't be that hard. After all, I figured it out after just a couple a' weeks. Now that you know there's somethin' there, I'm sure a smart girl like you can figure it out." Sakura couldn't seem to decide whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

"Now we've got that sorted out, I need to know a few things before we solve your missing nin problem." The three looked at her suspiciously. "Nothing complicated, I just need to get to know my students a little better. Likes and dislikes and stuff ya like to do in your free time. So as to give me some training ideas." That seemed to relax them. "All right, 'Ruto, you first."

"Hah! Alright. What I like is ramen, especially the kind at the Ichiraku Ramen shop. What I dislike is the three minute wait after you pour in the boiling water. My hobbies are eating ramen." _Ramen themed training!? This could not get any better! Believe it!_

"Alright, that's, yeah. Pinky?"

"It's Sakura. I told you." _Listen dammit!_ "What I like is... Well..." She glanced pointedly at Sasuke. "My hobby is..." Again, she looked over. "I dislike Na- um..." Well, after what happened in the forest, she supposed she didn't feel quite as antagonistic towards him anymore. As far as blondes went though... "I dislike blonde pigs who paw at things they shouldn't!"

Ranma glanced at Naruto. "Blonde pigs?"

Naruto shrugged. "She's got this rivalry with Ino, from our old class."

Rivalry, right, couldn't imagine what that could be over. Sasuke had to have some of the Saotome charm in her to get that kind of reaction out of people. Speaking of, "Sas'?" Geez, what was with this kid and long hard looks? It wasn't like she was plotting or- Okay, that was a lie. Kid had to be smarter than she looked.

"I dislike many things... There's not much I like. I spend my free time training." She seemed reasonably pleased by her non-answer.

"Hmm. Well, I can think of a few things already."

"Really?" Naruto began jumping in her seat. "What, what? Tell us, tell us!" Ranma could almost hear her thoughts. _Ramen! Themed! Training!_

Ranma grinned wickedly. "Your first training exercise is simple. You need bigger reserves to do the things I'm going to have you doing, so I want you to henge yourselves all day long. All night too, eventually. If you get tired, you'll just have to figure out how to get away. Good training." Sakura raised her hand. "Yeah?"

"What should we henge as, sensei?"

Here came the good part. "Each other." She continued before their shock let up. "You'll do Sasuke, 'Ruto'll do you, and Sas' will be 'Ruto. Oh, and it's gotta be all the time, meaning ya gotta live in each others' houses. Any questions?"

Damn right they had questions. "Whaaaaaat!?" Again, 'Ruto had a real set of lungs on her, though Pinky seemed to be giving her a run for her money. Sasuke seemed to be trying to turn into stone.

"There's no way! You can't make us do that sensei! I won't do it!" Sakura made up in clarity what she lacked in volume.

"Okay." That was apparently not what they were expecting. All protests ceased.

"O-okay? Just like that?" Sakura couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true.

"Sure, I won't make you, but I got good reasons why ya should do it anyway."

"What could possibly convince me to let Naruto into my room? Never mind as myself."

One more evil grin for the road. "We-ell," She pointed at Naruto, "I told you about that pressure point I can use that can make warm heat seem scalding right?" Naruto suddenly looked sick. "What things do you like that are hot?" Horror began to dawn on her face. "You can still eat it cold, but no more a' Ichiraku's hot ramen for you."

It took only a moment for Naruto to decide a path. "Noooooooo! I'll do it! I'll do anything! Please sensei! Anything but that! I'm begging you!"

"Wait just a second! Just because you can't eat your stupid noodles doesn't mean I'm just going to let you in my house! As me! You'll ruin me!"

Ranma, ignoring Sakura's outburst, turned to Sasuke. "You're gonna do it, because you get no more training till you do." Sasuke just glowered, but made no move to disagree. Ranma then moved on to Sakura. "As for you," Sakura tried to look defiant, but she was clearly trembling. "I got nothin'."

Sakura just blinked. "What?" She couldn't believe her ears. This had to be a trick.

"Yep, I suppose I'll just have ta rely on peer pressure." And damn, but if she had known how useful books could be, she would have used them years ago. Ah, youth. "Of course, I'd hate to be you in a day or two." Here came the clincher.

"W-what do you mean?" Anxiety was becoming Sakura's newest companion.

"Well, you know how you woke up feeling great and all, even though you shouldn't have?"

Sakura nodded. "You fixed our chakra exhaustion. I feel like I have more chakra than ever."

Ranma shook her head. "Not chakra, ki." At their confused looks she continued. "It's more complicated than we have time for, but I couldn't give you my ki like you took Sasuke's chakra. Different pathways. So, I had to open up one of your tenketsu. Just a tiny one. Took longer to get what you needed, but I didn't want to overwhelm ya. Only thing is, now it's open, it's stayin' open. Once you use up your reserves, it's gonna try to let more in, equalize the pressure an' all. There's a problem though. Where I come from, ki in the environment is pure, free. Here, it's polluted. Land of Fire, right? I can purify it 'cause I've been using it all my life. You though, you ain't got that experience. It's small, like I said, so as long as you eat some and rest, most of your energy will still be chakra. Some is gonna be that polluted ki though. And I gotta tell ya, when I first got here, I thought I was gonna burn from the inside out. Real unpleasant. But hey, I'm sure you don't need that silly meditation technique I got to help you learn ta purify it on your own. You'll probably be fine. Right?" Now it was Sakura's turn to look sick.

"For now, don't worry about it. If you change your mind, you know what to do. Now, let's get to how you're gonna convince one-eye you ain't slackers." Ranma chuckled at their confusion. "Your jounin sensei, one-eye. You'll get it when you see him. Anyway, you noticed how late he was right?" She raised her hands at their glares. "Well, why do ya think that was?" She could just tell them the truth, but she didn't trust them to lie convincingly to a jounin. "Simple, he's a sensei, he's teaching you. You're sitting there, waiting for a VIP to show, when somethin' goes wrong. What do ya do? Obviously, ya gotta investigate. So, just find this Kakashi, and tell him you've been looking for him all day. 'Cause ya figured out his trick. Remember, everything is training." That oughtta do it. Sasuke looked a little suspicious, but she was also the one Ranma was least worried about when it came to deception. "It's pretty late, an' ya have ta make it back before he goes ta bed. Shouldn't you three get moving? At that, they looked at each other, then took off in the direction of town. "Heh, this is gonna be fun."

~o0{O}0o~

"Are you sure this time?" A white haired ninja, holding a book in front of him while walking slowly along the streets of Konoha, addressed a small pug.

"Of course I'm sure, Kakashi. Would a face this cute lie to you?" The pug's tenor voice seemed to have a hint of affront to it.

Turning back to his book, the nin considered the answer. Kakashi Hatake was annoyed. Finding that his prospective students had disappeared on him wasn't all that surprising. He had failed more than a few just for that. However, unlike in the past, where he showed up at their homes and chewed them out a bit, this time they were nowhere to be found. Or rather, they were everywhere. Pakkun, the best tracker of his dog summons, had had him backtracking constantly. He wasn't quite sure what his missing students thought they were doing, but they had done it all over the village. At least they had stuck together, though he wasn't quite sure what that meant, given that their profiles listed them as being somewhat antagonist towards one another.

"...You've said that the last twenty times Pakkun."

"And I was right the last twenty times. Tracking is an art. Ever since you got that eye, you've been a bit full of yourself. Have I told you that before?"

"Only every time I've summoned you since then, Pakkun." It was an old argument, well tread and comfortable. "Hmm, I seem to recognize this neighborhood."

"That would be because the trail is leading home." Well, that was unexpected, though he'd been everywhere else today, so why not.

"Hmm, do you hear that Pakkun?"

"I do. It sounds like... kids." And indeed it did. Listening closely, Kakashi began to make out words.

"Ugh, I can't believe it took us this long to look him up in the phone book. I'm blaming you Naruto."

Well, it seemed he'd found his students, or was it they'd found him?

"Again it's my fault? What about Sasuke? He didn't even bother to mention the guy's name until it was almost too late!"

"It's not my responsibility to keep up with everything you don't notice."

And there was the last one. Seemed they had taken initiative. Interesting. Even if they'd gone about it in the most bizarre way possible.

"Whatever. We have his home, now we just have to wait."

"But what if he goes on a mission? I don't wanna starve to death."

"Idiot! You're not going to starve to death just by skipping one or two meals. We're ninja. Well, nearly. And his mission is us. He's not going to go haring off into the countryside and make us chase him. Unless he's crazy. If he's crazy, I vote we pretend to be too dumb to read. Today's given me ulcers and I don't need another maniac making it worse."

Well, that was possibly one of the most creative ways Kakashi had heard of to get out of his training.

"What did you do to fix your voice, anyway?"

"Eh, just used the sexy jutsu, but in reverse."

"Sexy- no, you know what? I don't care. Why did you leave your hair like that, though?"

"Are you kidding? This is cool!"

"Whatever. Don't worry Sasuke, you sound great no matter what!"

"Hnn."

Now that he thought about it, there was something off about the boy's voice.

"I still think we need a better story to tell him. We can't say we got lost. He'll think we're retarded!"

"Why don't we just tell him about the forest? That could work."

"Are you deficient‽ Tell him we've been running around the forest for hours being chased by disgusting spiders till we were ready to drop? When we could have just looked him up in the phone book? Instead of retarded he'll think we're insane!"

Sounded like they'd had an interesting day. Well, time to make an appearance. As he turned the corner and the three came into view, he noticed they weren't quite what he'd been told to expect. For one thing, they held themselves more like a tried team than a bunch of unruly genin. Despite the contention in their voices, they had placed themselves facing in each others' blind spots. Standing on the corner with their backs to his house, they had a good view of the surrounding area without leaving themselves too exposed. Their clothes were a good deal more worn then one would expect a trip through the village and forest would take. And Naruto had red hair... This was going to be annoying, wasn't it? From the way he had angled his entrance, Naruto was the first to see him. The kid did a quick double take, then pointed and cried out.

"One-eye!"

Before Kakashi could even blink, Sakura had twisted around and slammed her fist into Naruto's head.

"Idiot! What did I tell you about pissing off random jounin!? I. Do. Not. Need. More. Pain!" She punctuated each word with a kick.

Quickly twisting around, again faster than Kakashi had expected, she greeted him.

"Kakashi sensei! Hi. We're your students. Please ignore Naruto, he doesn't do well when he hasn't eaten. We're sorry it took so long to find you. We didn't even realize you were testing us at first. We figured it out eventually though, so I hope you won't hold it against us."

Kakashi couldn't help himself. "Testing?"

Sakura nodded. "Yes, to find you when you didn't show up. If a ninja is to meet with someone clandestinely, and they don't make it, first cover your trail, then investigate. Again, I apologize for how long it took. At first we thought you were just late. Can you imagine? Obviously that wasn't it, so we figured..." She trailed off and shrugged.

"Everything is training!" Naruto chose then to show he was still conscious, despite the beating.

Hmm, everything is training. Kakashi would have to remember that one. It was pretty good. And it was the best excuse he'd ever heard for his tardiness. He didn't even have to come up with it himself. The walk through the village hadn't been bad either. These might just be his best prospects yet. Maybe.

"Well, now that you've found me, why don't we introduce ourselves." At their looks he elaborated, "You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the... future." That was unexpected. At his explanation, they'd frozen. Sakura and Naruto looked close to panic, and Sasuke was glaring at them.

"W-why don't you go first, sensei. Since it was your idea and all." That sounded reasonable. And completely suspicious.

"Oh, me? My name is Kakashi Hatake. What I like... I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future... hmm... never really thought about that... As for my hobbies... well, I have a lot of hobbies." That calmed them down at least, though Kakashi wasn't quite sure why.

Naruto piped up first. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like... liver. Yeah, liver. I dislike people who take advantage of innocent young boys by threatening their favorite foods. My new hobby is protecting my favorite food from people who would take advantage of it. My dream for the future is to be Hokage. And making it illegal to threaten... certain foods."

Huh. That was... Kakashi wasn't quite sure what that was.

Sakura started next. "Ugh, liver? Really, Naruto?" Turning back, she looked Kakashi square in the eye. "My name is Sakura Haruno, not _Pinky_." She said the last with surprising venom. "As far as my likes go..." She narrowed her eyes. "I'm not sure I trust you with that just yet. My dislikes are people who can't remember names so they come up with horrible nicknames and think it's funny. My new hobby is teaching Naruto how to lie, or at least keep his mouth shut, before he gets me killed. My dream for the future is... to eat a really big supper tonight. I deserve it."

She was... practical, at least.

At that, it was Sasuke's turn. "Hnn."

For a moment, Kakashi wasn't sure the boy would say anything further.

Finally, Sasuke rolled his eyes and spoke. "Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha. I like... training." His eyes flicked over to Sakura.

Did he have a crush or something?

"I dislike people who interfere with my training." Again, his eyes flicked over. Sakura was beginning to look distinctly uncomfortable.

That answered that question then.

"As for dreams," He seemed to consider something. "I have no need to tell you that."

...Right, that was that then. If they passed, his life as he knew it was over.

"Tell you what, go home and get some rest. Tomorrow, we'll meet up at training ground three for your... evaluation. Say, eight o'clock?" He expected protestation. Instead they only nodded and went on their way.

"...At least we don't have to go far to get home."

"...Shut up Pakkun."

~o0{O}0o~

Sitting alone in her room, Sakura Haruno was in deep meditation. Slowly, she took her hands through a familiar string of seals. Taking a breath, she exhaled lightly. A thin stream of fire erupted from her mouth. After a few moments, she let it die. "Hell. Yes."

~o0{O}0o~

Across town in the Uchiha compound, a loud bang, followed by startled cursing, disturbed the peace for a few moments. Sasuke Uchiha was making a startling discovery. "This... what is this?"

~o0{O}0o~

Not too far away, in a rundown apartment, Naruto Uzumaki had- "Aaaah! What the hell!? Where did it go!? Did I lose it!? Can that happen!? Aaaaaaargh!"

~o0{O}0o~

Ranma Saotome slumbered peacefully in an abandoned side office of the Academy. "Snkrrrrr."

AN:

Yeah, like you didn't see it coming. If you didn't see it coming, English is not your first language and you are thus forgiven. If you still don't see it coming, then please do not use this site as a means of familiarizing yourselves with English. Just... don't. Trust me. In case you're wondering, these notes are more for my convenience than anything. It's nice to be able to look back and see what you were thinking.

Also- First. Action sequence! EVAR! Yeah, for a firsty I'm definitely pleased. There are quite a few things I want to work on, scene setting mostly, but I hope that will come with practice. You guys probably don't realize this, but I haven't written fiction since seventh grade. Yeah, definitely need the practice. Meh, I'm pretty high on this small success right now so I won't let details get me just yet.

Heh, the POV shifting came back to bite me in the butt this chapter, like I knew it would. Editing it was a real pain. Totally worth it anyway, though it might still be a bit rough in the transitions. Gender pronoun bait and switch is an awesome game by the way. Yeah, it's hard, but so much fun. Ranma authors really don't know what they're missing. Also, Kakashi is really fun to write. Heh, I'm looking forward to more of him. A little more Sasuke this round, but I'm not quite comfortable with her just yet(heh heh heh, me so ebil, told you I hated the originals). I think I'll post this and the first chap after one more round of editing, then move on to three.

Mistakes found since original release: 30

Stylistic Edits: 6


	3. No Mean Art

Chapter 3

No Mean Art

Konoha's spring mornings were a good deal warmer than Japan's, but still chilly and wet enough to justify an extra layer of covering. Back in her ninja outfit, Ranma slowly navigated the small, twisting streets of Konoha's lower ward. The shadows and hemmed in feeling given off by the old, rusty looking buildings made ample covering to hide in. As it didn't seem she'd need to increase her pace anytime soon, Ranma let her mind wander.

The shiatsu technique known as Xai Fang Heng Gao was actually rather simple on the surface. Using a special herbal mix, the scent of which the technique was named after, the user worked her ki into the pressure points located on the scalp, then manipulated her opponent's mind as desired. It was in the details that the true horror of it came out. A master could likely use it to convince anyone of pretty much anything, provided the victim's will was significantly less than her own. Shampoo had used it to cause Akane to be completely unable to hold Ranma's name in her mind; Ranma's face staying with her only as long as Ranma was within view.

Of course, figuring out the right way to use the ki would likely take a lifetime without instruction, but Ranma had an advantage. While causing one of these ninja to forget even a stranger was still out of her reach, she didn't need to go to the trouble of imitating someone else's aura. She had plenty of what she needed already, right in her own body. Combined with their ki crippled bodies, she had nothing stopping her from starting the technique. That _merely_ left figuring out how to properly cloud their perception.

True to form, it didn't take long. While running around in her ninja getup, she had a rather genius realization. Using ki to obfuscate her appearance was her favorite trick when pulling pranks. Even Akane had trouble seeing through her disguises. Actually testing this was incredibly risky, but a few unlucky incidences with nosy chuunin early on had supplied her the opportunity to prove her hypothesis. It exceeded her expectations. Not only did they become completely incapable of recognizing her, their minds rationalized any contradictions away. Whether or not the original worked in the same way, she had no idea, but it met her needs.

Beyond those initial tests, Ranma had been extremely frugal with its use. She was fairly certain that, were she back home, she would seal it right along with her father's secret techniques. Even here she was loathe to use it except when absolutely necessary. The later development of the Umisenken had made it mostly moot, anyway.

It was the freedom she gained with the Umisenken that first helped her notice it actually. As cautious nightly hunts for food turned to bold, daily excursions for information, she found no massive search parties turning the town inside out, no flurries of communiques with orders to capture or kill at all costs, no wanted signs with her face plastered on it posted all around town. Other than regular patrols about the village, there had been nothing. Almost nothing. There had been a small squad skulking about at night, one that consisted entirely of those who had been in the room when she 'arrived'. Instead of working in tandem with the patrolling ninja though, they actually seemed to be more concerned about avoiding them than Ranma herself.

It didn't take a genius to figure out the rest. Whatever had been going on in that room must have been a secret. It was so secret that her pursuers would rather let a complete unknown wander free than reveal it. For all Ranma knew, what they had been doing wasn't even legal here. The Hokage himself could be in the dark. Which meant that the number of people with her description was likely decidedly small, numbering five, in fact. A number whose faces she was quite familiar with.

With her enemies numbered and identified, their plans laid bare, there was really only one thing for her to do. Ignore it. After all, as her family art had taught her, if it ain't bothering you... So far it had actually worked out for her, a fact she would never share within hearing distance of her father, but, with every passing day, she became more and more restless. If she really was stuck here till 'Ruto made Hokage, there was no way she was going to spend it in hiding. Plus, now that she had students, she needed a little more freedom to move.

Stopping, Ranma dismissed her musings and looked around. It seemed her quarry had entered a small, nondescript building, a familiar building. This was the place the summoning that had brought her here occurred. Stretching out her senses, she felt no one. It seemed whatever he was up to was important enough to come completely alone. Grinning and cracking her knuckles in anticipation, she snuck inside. It was only a matter of moments and the deed was done. Soon, another familiar face came by and entered, then another. Before even ten minutes had passed, all five of her targets found themselves to her. Chuckling evilly, she crept out a window, leaving it ajar slightly to the brisk air. Revenge was best served cold after all.

~o0{O}0o~

The training grounds of Konoha were scattered about the village. Most were fairly uniform, a small, well kept meadow with trees, water and a few rocky outcrops meant to test one's ability on differing terrain. The third training ground was just so, with three posts placed squarely in the center and a small monument a little beyond. Sitting on the center post, Naruto Uzumaki was keeping a watchful eye out. "He's late." It was said matter-of-factly, with none of the usual rancor such situations brought out in him.

"Yesss." The lazy, sibilant tone Sakura had held even less concern. She was lounging on a tree branch not far from Naruto.

"Should we do something?"

Cracking open an eye and giving Naruto an annoyed look she said, "Naruto. I had the best sleep of my life last night. If sensei wants to extend it, that's fine with me. Do _not_ mess it up. Okay?" Her tone was even, but final.

"Ah, right. What about Sasuke?" In answer, they heard a slight rustle from Naruto's other side.

"It's fine. Just keep an eye out with those clones. If he doesn't show, we'll deal with it later." Sasuke too had taken to higher ground. Something their adventure the previous day had taught them. If you stay on the ground, Ranma sensei won't be satisfied with just a _few_ exploding tags.

"Mmm, much later. Hoursss later." It seemed Sakura had settled back down.

It wasn't as if Naruto was looking forward to another training, cough hell cough, session. It was simply that he didn't want to think anymore. Normally not a problem, especially since most of his thoughts involved pranks or daydreams, today he had a quandary that he couldn't quite wrap his mind around. He knew about boys and girls. He had gone to school more often than not after all, and they had explained everything. What he didn't know was why his body had just decided to... change its mind. _He_ was still a boy. At least, he still thought like a boy. Or maybe he didn't? He didn't think any differently from before, but what if that was the problem? He could have been thinking like a girl and not realized. Maybe his body knew it when he didn't? And just reacted accordingly? If that was the case, then all he had to do was think like a boy again."Hmm, hey Sakura?"

"Yesss Naruto?" Okay, that sounded a little annoyed. Better make this fast.

"Um, what do boys think like?" That seemed to get her attention, although, again, that might not have been a good thing.

"Why, _exactly_, do you think _I_ would know _that_, _Na-ru-to_." Yikes. Tread carefully, young pilgrim, femaledom was dangerous new ground.

"Ah, well, you and Ino were always watching Sasuke so... I figured you'd know the difference?" The last came out a squeak. Somehow, it seemed to satisfy her, anyway. Whatever his body might have thought, he still didn't understand girls.

"Well..." A slightly vacant look came over her face. "A boy has to be strong and handsome. With dark hair and warm, caring arms. He should always know what to do and be right on time when he does it. When he comes back from his missions, he'll sweep me up into those arms, and I'll look deep into his eyes, just staring for hours. We won't need to say anything, he'll just know. And then, when he's injured, I'll care for him, nursing him back to health every night. And he'll look up at me, so grateful for everything, and then he'll tell me he _has_ to marry me. That he couldn't live another day without me brightening his life. On the wedding day, I'll be waiting nervously for the time to arrive, and when I walk out and see him..."

Whoa, she sounded like she might be a while. Was this how girls thought? He definitely couldn't remember thinking like that. Maybe it was just Sakura. Wait, her rambling seemed to have a theme. If he could only decipher girl talk. Maybe..? "So, what you're saying is... boys need girlfriends? Hey Sakura, wanna be my gir-" Thunk thunk thunk. As two kunai whizzed past his ear, Naruto catapulted backwards, landing in the dirt behind the post. Well, that answered that... Still, it was something to think on. Laying on the ground, looking up at the blue sky, Naruto contemplated.

On the other side, lounging on a branch more fully covered by foliage than Sakura's, lay Sasuke. Sasuke had done quite of bit of thinking as well, on a situation strangely similar to Naruto's. Unlike Naruto, she had come to a very different conclusion. She remembered quite well the exact moment that her transformation had taken place. And why as well. Saotome sensei had not lied. She was indeed a master of the human body. Even asleep, completely oblivious to the world around her, sensei had been able to hold complete control over her surroundings. What was so terrifying was that it seemed to have been a momentary lapse in control, completely accidental. She didn't even seem to realize it had happened at all. Other than her threats, their sensei had not let on in the slightest to her true abilities.

And she had promised Sasuke everything. That power, she would have it, she must. If her masculinity was the only price she had to pay, then it was insignificant compared to the gains. The idea of doing to her brother's body what he had done to her mind... not simply winning, but dominating in ways he could not imagine... Slowly, she lifted her hand to her eyes. Yes, no price to pay at all.

~o0{O}0o~

"Hmm, what?" As a few foreign thoughts floated through Naruto's mind, raising him from the slight daze his nap had left him in, he looked up to make sure he was still where he thought he was. Clone memories were so weird. They always left him a little muddled if he wasn't paying attention. "Hey Sasuke, Sakura. Sensei's coming."

The rustling from his sides let him know they'd heard him, so he settled back into his warm spot on the ground. "Which sensei, Naruto? That's kind of important." Sakura was not going to let him do that it seemed.

"Eh, it's Kakashi sensei."

"Oh." Apparently they shared the same opinion on which sensei they had to look out for. After all, Kakashi had sent them home to get some rest without screwing with them at all. Clearly the push-over of the two. Settling back down, the three relaxed into their semi-aware state.

"Yo. Sorry about that. Got a little lost."

"Hmmm." At Sakura's answer, Kakashi's eye twitched a little. He couldn't even tell if she was answering him or just mumbling in her sleep. Usually he got more of a reaction than that. What was the fun in being late if no-one cared?

"Well, why don't we get started then." Finally, his students dragged themselves out of their stupor and moved over to him. "Well, as I told you last night, today I'll be giving you a bit of an... evaluation." He looked over them, but they made no move to interrupt. "Heh... heh heh. You guys are gonna get a kick out of this." That drew their attention. Now to strike the killing blow. "You know how you were given your hitai-ite and told you were ninja now, full shinobi?" They all nodded. "That wasn't exactly true. Out of the twenty-seven graduates, only nine of you will pass. It's a super difficult exam with a sixty-six percent failure rate." He looked at them smugly, and for a moment their incredulous looks had his hopes up.

"Sensei! We already know this!" Only to have them dashed completely.

"Yeah! It's not like we figured we could just walk up to the best ninja in the village and get training!"

"Even Naruto gets it. Feh, we aren't stupid."

That had to be the biggest disappointment he'd had since he'd heard the sequel to Make-out Paradise was delayed. Still, they did call him the best, so they might not be all bad. Sighing, Kakashi reached into a pouch and pulled out two bells, holding them out where they could be seen. "Your task is to get these bells before noon. I've already set the clock over there to tell us when time is up. Anyone who doesn't get a bell won't get any lunch, and I'll tie you to those stumps and eat right in front of you. There are only two, so one of you will definitely fail." Really, they weren't supposed to have eaten breakfast prior to this, but given their efforts the day before, he had let it slide. It wasn't like he forgot to tell them or anything. "Also, anyone who doesn't get a bell... fails. At least one will be sent back to the academy." They were properly motivated now, at least. "You can use anything you have at your disposal, even shuriken. You won't succeed unless you come at me with everything you've got."

"Wait, we're supposed to fight _you_! But you're a jounin! You'll-" Sasuke place a hand on Sakura's shoulder, halting her protests.

"It doesn't matter, we'll do what we must."

Now that got Kakashi's attention. They might have a chance after all.

"Yeah, don't worry about it Sakura. If nothing else, I'll make sure you get a bell. Aah! What did you hit me for this time‽"

"You just want me to do all the work so you can get all the stuff he teaches me! Jerk!" Definitely interesting. Kakashi had no idea what could have caused these three to come together so strongly, but he was absolutely going to find out. Perhaps a test of these bonds was in order.

"Alright you three, it seems you understand. If you're ready... Start!" With a burst of chakra, they each dashed from their spots.

Ho, time to start teaching then. "Hiding is the most basic skill all ninja must know." Sakura, fifteen meters out, three up. An oak tree, hmm? Not a bad choice. Sasuke, thirteen meters out, five up. Another tree. It seemed his students liked having the high ground. They had hidden well. It was a good start. Naruto... three meters out. "Was there something you forgot, Naruto?"

"Come and fight me!" Naruto stood proudly, chest out, arms crossed.

"Um, you're a little bit off." Perhaps he had overestimated them after all.

Under cover, Naruto's teammates watched, aghast."...He's going to get me killed isn't he? I can already imagine what I'll be writing in my diary tonight. Twenty-first day, third moon. Dear Diary, today I have seen my death. His name is Naruto." Sakura added another skill to the growing list of things she needed to teach him.

"...Moron." Sasuke's thoughts were similar to Sakura's, if more brief.

"Hah! If Sasuke and Sakura want to hide, that's fine. I'll just get a bell for the both of them!"

"Oh? And what about yourself? You'll have to do this all over again you know?"

"Like that matters? I'll do it a hundred times if I have to!"

Standing in a relaxed stance, Kakashi considered Naruto's exclamation. "I guess it's time for shinobi lesson one then, Taijutsu. Come on, maybe I'll give you some pointers."

Before Naruto could make his move however, the jounin reached into a pouch. A weapon? Taijutsu was almost always hand to hand. If they were going to go at it with weapons, he'd have to approach this completely differently. No way was Naruto getting near a potentially crazy jounin who had sharp, pointy objects at his disposal. Slowly, Kakashi withdrew from the pouch... a book? Make-out... Paradise? What the hell? "What the hell!?" Naruto was beginning to think all high level fighters were off in the head.

"What's wrong? Hurry it up." Kakashi, unmindful of the consternation his actions had brought, cracked open the book and began to read.

"But... Hey. Hey! What's with the book!? What do you think you're doing!?"

"Doing? I'm reading, of course. I want to know what happens next. Don't worry about it. It won't make a difference against you guys."

That brought Naruto up short. Who did this jerk think he was? Lowering his head, he slowly began to shake. "I... I... _I'm gonna beat you to a goddamned pulp!_" Whatever jutsu he'd been using to disguise his voice snapped, and it came out a shrill screech. Grabbing his arm and raising his sleeve in the universal sign of 'I want to beat the hell outta you', he charged forward and leaped. "Aaaaaargh-" Whump! Only to be driven to the ground by Sasuke and Sakura.

"Ah, excuse us sensei. We'll just be regrouping now, if you don't mind. Pretty please?" She gave him what she hoped was her cutest puppy dog face.

"...That's fine. Don't forget, noon." He just kept his head buried in his book. "Ha ha ha, oh, that's a good one."

Taking advantage of the reprieve, they hauled Naruto to his feet and beat a hasty retreat into the undergrowth, Sakura berating him as quietly as she could through her clenched teeth. "_Idiot_. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Finally reaching a safe distance, they dumped Naruto on his face, each glaring. Looking at each other, they seemed to come to a silent agreement, Sasuke turning to watch their surroundings, Sakura focusing entirely on Naruto. With her hands on her hips, Sakura addressed him. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Sitting up, Naruto crossed his arms and tried to look rebellious. "I was getting a bell. Like he said, geez."

Sakura threw her hands in the air. "And you thought that would work? Honestly, did you not listen to anything Ranma sensei said?"

"What does that have to do anything?"

Off to the side, Sasuke interjected, while still keeping an eye out. "When she spoke of him, it was with respect. We shouldn't underestimate our opponent." She glanced over. "You were awake right? When sensei finished those spiders? She knows what she's doing."

Sakura was surprised at Naruto's hesitant nod. She hadn't realized either had been aware at that point. But that reminded her of something else from that day. "Plus, what did we agree on about about Ranma sensei's tastes?"

"Um..." Naruto couldn't quite tell what Sakura was driving at.

"Anytime she thinks something is good, we treat it like the horrible end to our lives it is. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Relaxing somewhat, Sakura's face turned contemplative. "This test, there has to be a trick to it or something. I mean, there's no way he expects us to win. You saw him with that book." Naruto scowled, but before he had a chance to say anything, Sakura bopped him on the head. "_Don't_. We just went over this. If sensei thinks he can take us like that, we assume he's telling the truth until we manage to prove otherwise, okay?"

Naruto huffed. "Okay."

"The pond."

Sakura blinked, then turned to Sasuke. "What was that Sasuke?"

Softly, she answered. "Drive him to the water's edge, let Naruto take care of the rest. That's our best bet."

Naruto started grinning. "Hey, yeah! That cou- ah!" This time, both his teammates assaulted him.

"Be _quiet_. Don't blow this before we get a chance to even start." Honestly.

"Buffoon."

In the clearing, Kakashi was surreptitiously examining the genin once more. Other than a few outbursts, they were again hidden well. They were on the move, though. One was cautiously circling around, another was quickly approaching the clearing's edge, and the last was... running in circles. Heh. Well, perhaps they had they decided on a course? To the left, a glint caught his eye. It seemed as if they had. The glint turned into a streak of light as shuriken and kunai flew at him in a deadly hail. Leaping back a few feet, he let them fly harmlessly past. Opening salvo, they were testing him. To his back he heard approaching feet. A diversion, eh?

Sasuke had no intention of letting Kakashi have a moment's respite. If they were to succeed against a jounin, they needed more than simple initiative. The instant they lost momentum, they lost, period. Closing rapidly to within a few meters, Sasuke reached back, fingers enclosing on weapons, and loosed another round. Chakra combined with momentum to spur the projectiles on even faster. They had the expected effect.

"Such obvious attacks are pointless."

Kakashi had dodged right to the tree line. Perfect.

"You'll have to do better than that." As Kakashi continued his lecture, a shadow fell on him. He barely had time to defend as Naruto crashed feet first into his blocking arm. How had he..? Before he could figure out how they had duped him, Sasuke was on him. Sasuke and... ten more Narutos?

"Hah! Shadow clones are my specialty!"

Grabbing the first Naruto's leg, Kakashi twisted and released. The clone flew into another and they both went tumbling. Leaping over the hapless clones as they burst into smoke, Sasuke kicked out, forcing Kakashi into a duck. Sailing over him, she let out a snap kick at Kakashi's back. Rolling underneath it, the jounin powered through another clone, obviously seeking to retreat.

"Naruto!"

At Sasuke's call, the clones moved to pin Kakashi in. "You won't escape that easily!"

His students were rather determined to get him into the forest. Traps, perhaps? While under normal circumstances Kakashi would spring the traps just to show the difference between genin and jounin, this time he thought a different lesson was in order; no plan survives contact with the enemy.

"Who said anything about escaping? It's rather comfortable right here." Ducking and dodging Naruto's somewhat straightforward attacks, Kakashi broke out into a run along the field, the clones and Sasuke in full pursuit.

With shuriken and kunai whizzing past his ears and all the yelling Naruto was doing, he almost missed it. Hissing. A familiar hiss as well. The kind made exclusively by- _Right_! His instincts screaming at him, chakra surged to his legs as he immediately swerved to the side. Kra-boom! His reflexes carried just out of the radius of the exploding tag... right into the warning hiss of another. Kroom! Boom! Ba-boom! Staying ahead of the destruction took more than he anticipated as every step he made seemed to land him right next to a freshly lit tag. Giving up on the charade of closing in on him, Sasuke and the Narutos focused entirely on ranged weaponry, each kunai and shuriken clearly tied with an explosive tag.

Suddenly, "Sasuke! Stop! Left!" At the cry, the explosive assault ceased.

That had been Sakura. Chancing a quick glance around Sasuke, Kakashi quickly realized his situation. Sakura and another Naruto, presumably the original, were standing near the edge of the copse, partly covered by foliage. That was how they had done it. Sasuke and Naruto had leapt into battle carrying dozens of tags laced with her chakra instead of their own. Utilizing her superior chakra control, Sakura was able to hit him with pinpoint accuracy, leaving her team unscathed. With Naruto constantly reinforcing Sasuke from behind with more clones, Kakashi hadn't had time to even consider that the real Naruto might not have been among them.

That still left him puzzled over why she had given up her position. As his mind quickly dissected this, he turned his attention immediately back to the boys. Sasuke had halted, but the clones hadn't reacted quite as gracefully. One's charge turned into an uncontrolled stumble and the shadow clone rolled comically head over feet to his right. To his right... and to _Sasuke's_... It was too late, however. A splash from the pond behind him was all the warning he got as three more clones grappled his body and legs. He barely managed to restrain the one below on his right from taking the bells.

"Hah! Clones don't breath! We can wait all day if we have to!"

At that, the remaining clones in front moved on him, but they were out of position. It would take a precious few seconds to reach him. More than they could afford. The closest to him was... the clone who had tripped? The clone who was no longer a clone, but Sasuke?

Sasuke's mind was every bit as nimble as Kakashi's. As soon as the jounin was restrained, she used kawarimi, the body replacement jutsu, and switched with the fallen Naruto. The clone had been face down; no threat to Kakashi, as it would have taken too long to reverse his position. Flickering in, Sasuke had no such impediment. Legs propelling her, she reached out, the bells just in her grasp. She grinned triumphantly as her hand closed around their cool metal, and then nothing. A quick blur was all she saw before Kakashi was gone and in its place was... a clone. "No!" Another clone slammed into the trapped one, dispelling it.

"What the hell!? Where'd he go!? What do you mean he used body replacement!? Don't pop me before you finish explaining! _Aah_! Stop hitting me, dammit!"

Sasuke had no time to concern herself over Naruto's growing multiple personality disorder. Recovering her balance, she scanned the area. It didn't take long. There, waving cheerfully not three meters from them, was Kakashi.

"Yo."

Ignoring the howls and imprecations the clones started leveling at their sensei, she stepped forward on to drier ground. They had just lost their momentum. They either got it back _now_ or... As rapidly as she could make them, her hands flew through the seals for molding fire chakra. Kakashi only had time to widen his eyes before she finished the jutsu and the flame leapt to her command, consuming the ground in front of her. She didn't bother with the control ringing the expelled chakra with her fingers would give her. Even had she needed it, Sasuke wanted as wide an area of effect as possible.

Releasing the jutsu early, she twisted to her side. "Naruto! No time, retreat to cover. We need to get ba-ack!" Before she could finish explaining, hands gripped her legs and, without further warning, dragged her straight into the ground, leaving only her head visible.

"Sasuke! Dammit, stay there, I'm coming!" Sasuke didn't bother to correct Naruto on the ridiculousness of his command. Suddenly, two legs stepped out on either side of her head.

"Hmm, as far as lesson three, ninjutsu, goes, you guys aren't _too_ bad. I guess you want me to go back to lesson one, then?" Kakashi yawned, raising the animosity aimed his way even higher. "A little out of order, but life's too short for details like that, eh?" His words had the desired effect, the clones rushed him, heedless of planning. It showed.

"Too low."

"Was that a kick?"

"Hmm, there seems to be a breeze."

"Say, do you mind if I read this next bit? It's at a really great part right now and-"

"Aargh! Die!"

Underneath the sparring duo, Sasuke relaxed her tense muscles. Whatever happened next wasn't up to her.

At a distance, Sakura and Naruto were panicking. "I- I'm gonna go help him! That bastard better appreciate this!"

"No! You idiot! You'll just make things worse!" Sakura did not need to add babysitting on top of her panic.

"But-"

"_No._ You remember what Sasuke said. You're our security blanket. If the real you gets taken out, no more reinforcements. Besides, those are all you and they're _still_ getting their asses handed to them. One more, real or not, isn't going to make any difference. Just- just give me a minute, okay?" Naruto grumbled, but complied. The day had been going so well, too. Great sleep, woke up feeling perfect, she even had a chance to show off her new jutsu at the breakfast table. Wait, that was it!

"I can't take this! I don't care what you say, I'm going out there and-"

"I've got it! Naruto! I need you!"

"Wh- _Yes_! Ow! Now you're slapping me!?"

Sakura had no time for Naruto's shenanigans. "I need two clones. Now, Naruto!"

Ceasing to hold his still stinging cheek, he formed several more. "There, now what are y-"

Lunging past him, she grabbed two by the collar. "You two! Come here. Alright, _you_! Get behind me and hold on. And no funny business or I break real you's neck, understand?"

"Woo-hoo! Yes!"

"Just do it." He happily obeyed, sticking his tongue out at the envious looks he was getting.

"And you, you're going to give me your chakra, get it?" Understanding began to dawn on Naruto's collective face. Turning her head, she addressed the one in back. "When he dispels, kawarimi us behind Kakashi sensei. And Naruto?" She turned to the real Naruto. "When I get over there, duck." Gulping, he nodded. "Alright, let's do this before I realize how stupid it is." She took her hands through the seals more slowly this time. Naruto couldn't form fire chakra yet so it was up to her to manage it all. Finally, she absorbed the last of it. Just as the clone burst, she felt the familiar tugging as the replacement technique took hold.

As the jounin's back came into focus, she released the chakra, not in a widespread conflagration, but in a thin stream. Far more economical, it was something she had come up with to accommodate her much smaller reserves. It would also fit her current needs. True to plan, the instant the memories hit, the clones hit the dirt. Kakashi didn't even turn around, as soon as he had forewarning, he jumped. That was fine with Sakura, she needed him away from there anyway. Hurdling Sasuke's head, she kept a bead on their sensei, angling the stream away from her face to avoid blow-back. At her back, she heard Naruto's frantic efforts to free Sasuke.

"Shovels, we need shovels! Transform!"

"Ah! That's my face! Watch it you moron!"

"Moron!? Who's a moron, moron!?"

"Don't call people rescuing you names, you ungrateful bastard!"

Kakashi was as hard to keep track of as she had expected. It was all she could do to keep him on the defensive. Snapping the fire out at him, whip-like, she herded him back. She had him nearly to the posts when it finally sputtered to a finish. That was when she realized her mistake. Who was going to rescue her? The clones were busy digging out Sasuke. That left her with the one on her back, and the two of them together wouldn't be nearly enough. "U-um... I don't suppose you'd mind letting us regroup right quick, w-would you?"

Kakashi merely grinned, the expression reaching his eye. "Why don't we start on lesson two then." His hands flew through a short series of hand signs and then...

Suddenly, Sakura felt... strange. "Whu- what was I..?" The meadow seemed to swirl about her, coming in and out of focus. It was then she heard someone calling her.

"S-Sakura..." That was... Naruto? What was wrong with his voice? It was so raspy. A pressure on her shoulder had her turning her head. What she saw chilled her to her very core. Skin, sallow and leathery, hung from gaunt cheekbones. Orb-less sockets somehow conveyed a ghastly need. Its mouthed gaped open, loose, rotting teeth hanging from yellowed gums Wha- How? Clones couldn't receive wounds like that. Like...

"Aaaaaaah!" Flinging it off her, she fell to the ground and scrambled backward as quickly as possible. "N-no. G-get away!" Looking past the gruesome specter, she spied the hole Sasuke had been trapped in. No clones were in sight, but there was movement. Slowly, a hand, skin blackened and peeled, reached out and pulled a familiar form into sight. It was Sasuke, but instead of the roguish good looks she was accustomed to, in its place was a nightmare. Bones twisted and jutting, clothes rotted and decayed, it called out to her.

"Sa-k'ra" The name came with a whistling noise as air escaped through a hole in its cheek.

In unison, the ghoulish imitations of her teammates called out, "Sa-k'ra... Sa-k'ra..." shambling toward her like... like...

"Zuh, zah, za-_aaaaaaaaaaaah_!"

Back at the hole, the clones had stopped digging at waist deep, watching in shock as Sakura started screaming.

"Genjutsu! She's trapped! We have to release her from it!" At Sasuke's urging, the clones rushed out, only to be accosted by an explosion of dirt from their back. Sasuke had been freed enough, and she was far faster than Naruto. Flickering in and marshaling her chakra, she laid a hand on Sakura and released, "Kai!" the flow of foreign chakra flooding Sakura's system overwhelming the illusion. Slowly, her eyes came into focus.

"Sa-Sasuke? You're alright!" Much to Sasuke's irritation, Sakura grabbed her in a fierce bear hug. "Wait, Naruto! Where's Naruto‽"

"I'm right he-aow!"

"Don't scare me like that! I nearly had a heart attack!"

"Shinobi lesson number two, genjutsu... I may have gone too far though." Turning around, they saw their sensei, still reading that damned book.

"You!" Jerking upright, Sakura pointed vindictively. "What the hell did you think you were doing!? You won't get away with playing with a maiden's pure heart!"

For a few moments, an awkward silence fell. Naruto was the first to come out of it. "Y-yeah! What the hell!? If you think you can get away with that, you're dead wrong!"

Sighing, Sasuke moved next to her teammates. "Let's just get this over with."

Placing a bookmark, Kakashi returned his book to its pouch and stood. "If you've had enough rest, then why don't we review? Which lesson would you like to start with?" His smile, the one that came through even with his face covered, was really starting to piss them all off.

"Die!"

~o0{O}0o~

Ranma was practically skipping down Konoha's main street. At first it had been a test to see if her assumptions proved wrong. However, as time passed without anything more than the typical perverted 'hot girl' glances she was used to, it quickly turned into a full outing. There had been more than enough money on the old geezers to keep her fed and clothed for quite a while and she felt she deserved a treat for all the hard work she'd put in.

Wandering about the shopping district, she had even come across a small clothing store that carried clothes in the style she preferred. With loose, comfortable slacks, a silk red shirt, overly large to enhance that cutesy look she liked to use, and shoes that actually fit, she was beginning to feel like herself again. Skulking was fine for pranks, but a martial artist needed to be out and about. She still couldn't walk the fences without drawing attention, but it was a huge relief nonetheless.

Not having to hide her face freed up huge amounts of time from double and triple checking her back just to get from the school to a grocery. Who knew, she might even get a job to supplement her other 'earnings'. Besides, until her students came to their senses, she had little to do besides read and train. She did need to do some further research for her plans for Sasuke, there was a Yamanaka clan in town that supposedly had jutsu to make her drool, but all work and no play led to one bored-

Stopping suddenly, she spun around. Was that... She thought she had seen... But no, there was no way she was that lucky, was there? She obsessively scanned the stalls and vendors around her. There, in front of her, was a cart. A cart with very familiar signs on it. Reverently approaching, she could only gaze in wonder at what was contained within. Thirty-two flavors she was uncommonly well acquainted with.

"Can I help you miss?" Turning to the vender, she gave him a look that was very near worshipful. "Oh, I get it, never seen ice cream before, have you? This is a special delicacy you won't find out in the countryside."

"H-how?"

Quirking his eyebrow, the man considered her question. "You mean, how do we keep it cold? Well, that's a trade secret of course, but I don't mind giving a cute little thing like you a hint." He leaned forward, lowering his voice conspiratorially, "You see, this is a ninja village. It might not look it, but everyone here knows some arcane art or the other. Using secret fuinjutsu, sealing techniques, I am able to create a sphere of influence that keeps the area within my cart here as cold as the Land of Snow."

"Wow, mister, really? Ninja towns are amazing." Pretending to be suitably impressed, Ranma parsed what she could from the obvious bullshit. Fuinjutsu, eh? That explained how he was able to get it to work without a cooling unit or batteries. Or trekking all the way up to snowier climbs. Heh, now to see if she'd gotten out of practice. "Oh no! There's no way I could ever afford something like this. It has to be worth so-o much." Putting on her cutest face, as if she had any other, she pouted adorably.

"W-well, ahem, ah, for a cutie like you, I could probably sneak you one on the side. I am a ninja after all." Yeah, right.

"Really? Just for me?" She placed her pinky delicately in her lips and widened her eyes. The poor man looked ready to break. Time to bring this to a close.

"O-of course! Just pick out whichever looks best."

"Well, in that case."

~o0(O)0o~

Walking down the street with her delicious confection in hand, Ranma decided that, all in all, she was fairly content. Never having been one to worry overly much, even before dying, life seemed determined to make Ranma's laid back outlook into an art unto itself. Or drive her crazy, whichever came first. Ah well, even the commotion she'd caused landing here wasn't so bad. After all, what fun would it be if life wasn't a little, hm, what was the word?

"Ruff!"

"Yeah! Rough. That's the word I'm looking for. If-" Pausing, Ranma reviewed the last few seconds. While she was aware that her brain sometimes had a mind, or two, or three, of its own, she was pretty confident that she hadn't grown an extra mouth in the last... ever.

"R-ruff! Ruff-ruff!" Turning around, she found at her feet... a puppy. A little white puppy with brown and black spots covering its head, back and tail. "Ruff!" A little puppy that seemed intent on gaining her attention. Crap. She had never been good with animals. Ugh, that wasn't strictly true. She just never _got_ any good out of animals. Animals themselves loved her. It was just what they loved most about her was the way she tasted. If it wasn't pits filled with starving cats, it was wolves chasing her ass all over creation. "Ruff!" Crap.

"Shoo. Shoo, dammit!" It apparently didn't speak pissed off martial artist. More people got in trouble that way. Now what was it doing? Taking advantage of her halt, the puppy was determinedly tugging on her pants leg. Lovely.

"Oh! Look at that. That little girl is playing with her puppy. How _cute_!" And now they were gathering a crowd. She couldn't escape like this. Crappity-crap.

Smiling awkwardly at the woman who spoke, she turned and hunched down next to the pup. "Alright, already. You win, mutt. I'll go with you. But if this is a trap, I'll have a new belt by the end of the day." It paused, staring up at her with deep brown eyes, then somehow seemed to acknowledge her warning and moved off in the direction of a side street. Standing up and giving the onlookers a wave, she started off after it.

It didn't take long as, soon after they'd walked up the street, the pup turned into an alley. Walking towards a pile of refuse and nudging it, the dog turned around and barked again. "Ruff!"

"Geez, don't you have a lower setting or something? Alright, let's see what you got for me here." Carefully setting aside her ice cream on a ledge, and giving the dog a look that promised pain if he messed with it, she began digging through the pile. It didn't take much, lifting aside a piece of cardboard, she came face to face with a pair of golden, green flecked eyes, pupils slitted at the sudden influx of light. Cautiously, whiskers pulled forward from black and red swirled fur as a little white nose sniffed at the intrusion.

"Me-"

"Aaaaaaaah!" Scrambling desperately back, Ranma was halfway up the alley wall before she slowed. "Wh-what the hell do you think you're doing!?" Still clinging from the side of the building, she started berating the increasingly confused and worried puppy. Before she could see if there were any loose bricks in her vicinity, a slight rustle from the pile had her freezing. Slowly, a small kitten pulled itself into view. It paused, then tried to take another step, only to collapse. It was hurt, hurt fairly badly it seemed. The puppy rushed to its side, then gave Ranma a pleading look.

"No. No, no no nononono no. Bad idea. Very, very bad idea. Can't you... get someone else?"

"Hinnn." The pleading edge to his whine was heartbreaking.

Ranma couldn't help but shudder, her panic leading her close to hyperventilation, as she cursed her sense of duty once more. Finally, her shoulders slumped, and she slid to the ground, enfeebled. "J-just make sure it keeps quiet okay? Else, I can't do this."

The puppy studied her, then nodded.

"R-right, guess I should get started. N-now."

There was no way she could get herself to move closer to the beast as it was, so Ranma did the only thing she could. She closed her eyes. Creeping forward to where she knew it to be, she got down on her knees and felt out, hands shaking, and quickly found soft fur under her fingers. The shaking got worse. No, she couldn't do this. It was impossible. There was no way she could patch up anything as out of control as she was. She would barely be better than Doc Tofu under one of his Kasumi fits. She could not work on a c- c-c-c- ca-... on one of those things. It just wouldn't work... u-unless. "Y-yeah, heh, ha ha. W-why didn't you tell me this was a, a, e- b- squirrel! Y-yeah! Heh heh, th-this is no problem. G-geez you mangy mutt. D-don't scare me like that." Delusion achieved, she ignored the puppy's inquisitive whine and set about feeling around for injuries. It wasn't quite as fast as it would have been with her eyes open, but she wasn't quite that delusional.

"Okay, this feels... simple enough. It's a clean break. Closed, so no bleeding ta take care of. With a bit a' ki to ease the pain and..." Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a bit of gauze and a metal chopstick. "Just need ta set the bone an' tie it off." Ranma set her hand over the squirrel's head and worked in some ki. Setting bones hurt like a bitch, two things she had plenty of experience with, and she didn't need any... strange noises distracting her. Quickly as she could, she moved the bones back into place, using her ki to avoid tissue damage as she did. There was a bit of mewling, followed by what she assumed was the puppy nuzzling his friend, but otherwise no problems. "Okay, once I get it set, ya can't move it any. That means stay still, 'cause I ain't about ta do this again." Taking the chopstick and bending it into the same shape as the leg, Ranma set about wrapping it snugly to the break. Tying it off, she gave the squirrel a hesitant pat on the head and sat back.

"Eh, that's pretty much it. I gave you a bit of a boost so you should be fine in a couple a' days, climbin' trees and eatin' nuts and whatever else squirrels like ta do." Before she could go anything further, the pup leaped into her lap and started assaulting her with its tongue. "Ah! Hey, watch it you crazy-!" Ranma's dismay didn't seem to distract him from his mission to give her a bath. "Geez, okay okay, you're welcome. Ack, now I'm all slobbery." His thanks acknowledged, the pup went back to his friend.

Finally free, Ranma stood up and made to retrieve her cone... only to stop in mid stride. Dammit. "Ah, say, I don't suppose either a' you have owners or anything like that?"

"Ruff!" Well, that sounded like a yes, anyway.

"Well, if ya want..." God damn it. Ranma sighed. "I'll take you two home if ya need it." Why couldn't she be a bastard? Life was too short for all this nice stuff. The puppy at least liked the turn of events. He began running in circles around her, barking wildly and brushing against her legs, as if trying to make up for her eyesight with as much sensory input as possible.

"Yeah, yeah. Look, shut up for a minute. I gotta get your pal a place to sit." She thought on it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and pulled out a large cloth. "Usually just use this for the Umisenken, but..." Folding it in half a few times, she wrapped it around her head in a rather large turban. "There, that aughta give ya plenty of room." Picking up her patient, she gently placed it on her head. It squirmed a bit, then settled down. Now for the finishing touch. Pulling out the straw hat from her outfit, she placed it on her head. She got enough attention with just the dog. Add a squirrel in and who knew when they'd leave her alone. Just 'cause the poor thing had a deformity was no reason to stare. Plus, now she didn't have to worry about mirrors. "Alright, let's go."

"Hinnn." Again with the whining?

"What now?" He stood up on her legs and wagged his tail, giving a pleading look. "Oh for- you want up too?"

"Ruff!"

"Ugh, fine. But just 'cause it'll go faster." Holding out her arms, Ranma caught him as he jumped. He twisted a bit in excitement and licked her face again. "Ah! No! No way. This ain't gonna work if you don't keep your slobber to yourself." Finally, he settled down. "Alright, mutt, which way?" He looked around, then barked. Picking up her ice cream and pointing herself in the direction of his nose, she set off.

"Say, you gotta name?"

"Ruff!" Sounded like a no this time.

"Well, mutt ain't the best name, an' royal pain in th' ass is too long. I know! How about Hiroshi?

"Ruff!"

"No, huh? Jiro?

"Ruff!"

"Mamoru."

"Ruff!"

"Genma?"

"Grrr."

"Good boy."

~o0{O}0o~

"O-oh." Fire. That's what her whole body felt like. Like someone had ripped out her chakra pathways, lit them on fire, then shoved them back in. Apparently, using someone else's chakra to perform jutsu had... limits. Two times in one day was hers, even with her control. Sasuke had managed his fireball _three times_ on his own, and another _two_ with clones. She didn't even want to think what that felt like. Glancing up from her position, face down in the dirt, she took stock of their situation. Yep, still shitty.

Sasuke lay not far from her, face up, chest heaving in gulps of air, and damn it all, but she was getting tired of being _too_ tired to enjoy sights like this. Naruto, though he was still standing, was in even worse shape. Several clones hung from tree traps, and Kakashi was using a pile of them as a sofa. The original, at least, judging by the beating he had taken, she assumed he was the original, was staggering around, holding on to two clones to stay upright.

"Dammit, Naruto. What," She huffed in another breath. "part of retreat, don't you get." She couldn't even yell, her voice was too hoarse from the screaming she'd been doing. Naruto couldn't even look her way anymore. He just kept dragging himself toward Kakashi sensei. The same sensei who looked fresh as a daisy. Moron. Before Naruto could humiliate himself, and more importantly her, any further, a ringing went off in the clearing. _What now?_

"Noon already?"

_Oh, right, the clock._

"Looks like you guys didn't quite manage to make it."

_Didn't quite? We had our asses handed to us on a plate! Where the hell does he get off__!?_ Sadly for Sakura's peace of mind, her body couldn't keep up with her temper.

Standing, Kakashi walked around to the posts and stopped the alarm. "You guys didn't do too bad, I guess... I'll have to think about it. I know!"

Sakura did _not_ like his tone of voice.

"I'll give you one more chance, after lunch. Since you put in so much effort, I'll let the no lunch punishment slide. Except for Naruto."

"What!?" Naruto somehow had enough energy left to yell, though not enough to disguise his voice.

Kakashi smiled at him. "Punishment. For causing your teammates so much trouble."

Before Naruto could blink, his sensei had him hogtied and was carrying him to the posts.

"There we go. Why don't you use this time to think over what you did wrong, eh?" Looking back, he called out. "Shouldn't you two make the best of this?"

Hauling themselves up, Sakura and Sasuke stumbled over to the posts, picking up a meal before they slumped down.

"Remember, Naruto doesn't get any. Anyone who breaks the rule... fails immediately. Understand?" At their glum nods, he set off. "I'll be back in a bit, use this time wisely."

As Kakashi made his way to the treeline, carefully hiding his presence as he did, he considered his new protégés. They were not what he had been told to expect. While he had never put too much stock in the opinion of chuunin teachers, he had always been able to use it as a baseline. This though... There was no getting around it. Their teachers had miscalculated, badly. Perhaps the traitor sensei Naruto had discovered, Mizuki, had something to do with it. Whatever it had been, what remained was that he would have to rely completely on his own intuition here.

The main difference was the level of cooperation they showed. They had clearly spent the previous day on more than a wild goose chase. They hadn't even considered going after the bells alone, and failing individually didn't seem to bother them either, so long as they succeeded. Teamwork had been among these three's lowest scores, yet they did everything in tandem. A highly fractious, argumentative tandem, but still...

Ninjutsu was another surprise. Using clones as chakra batteries for exhausted nin was genius, though it was possible only with the most massive reserves. It was likely Sakura who came up with it, given that, with her much smaller chakra pool, she benefited the most. Sasuke's ability to mold fire chakra and use it in such a high level jutsu was unexpected, but believable. That he had clearly taught Sakura how to use it, to the point where she could modify it for herself to such an extent, was outright shocking. Keeping the original Naruto back while he sent out waves of clones as support and instant surveillance was extremely reasonable, and extremely out of character.

Genjutsu and taijutsu at least were as he expected. Though, again, their tactics and reactions had only underlined their willingness to work together.

Really, there was no need for him to continue, they had met the parameters of the bell test and exceeded his expectations by far. Even if they didn't break the rule, he would still pass them. Ah well, call it curiosity. No one had ever disobeyed him before, these were his best bet. Whim justified, he turned his attention back to his oblivious students.

Back in the clearing, Naruto was trying to bluster his way through his hunger. "Hah! Like it matters. I don't need any food! I'm f-fine."

Sakura sighed and slumped further down. "Give it a rest Naruto. I can hear your stomach from here. What are we going to do? Without Naruto backing us up, we won't last two seconds."

Naruto blushed. "Heh, aw man, you know I'll protect you Sakura." _Yes! In your face, Sasuke!_

"Shut up." Why did this idiot have to take everything the wrong way? "I'm just stating fact. And don't think for a second I've forgiven you for that genjutsu."

"What!?" How was that his fault?

"Don't you what me. If you paid half as much attention to your schoolwork as you do your stomach, Sasuke wouldn't have had to come all the way over there to save me. Your clone was right there. Plus, you left your position. We were totally at his mercy without any backup. Did coming all the way over to 'save' me work? Well?"

Grumbling, Naruto shook his head.

Feeling a little bad for taking out her frustration on him, Sakura tried to mitigate her words. "Look, it's not really your fault. No matter what we did, we never had a chance, anyway. I mean, I knew jounin were a cut above, but... being told that and seeing it is totally different. It has to be like I said before. There's a trick to this stupid test and we're just missing it."

They were silent for a few minutes, mulling over Sakura's words. Then, Sasuke spoke up. "The bells."

Sakura started. "What was that, Sasuke?"

Staring off into the trees, Sasuke elucidated. "There are only two bells for three of us. This test... it's meant to gauge our teamwork. I'm sure of it."

Eyes widening, Sakura countered. "B-but, we've _been_ doing that. Since the beginning. If it's just about that, why hasn't he stopped yet?"

Sasuke didn't take her eyes off the forest. Eyes carefully scanning back and forth, she answered. "Before yesterday, would we have worked together? Even if it meant one of us would fail?" Sakura and Naruto both looked uncertain how to answer her. "We wouldn't, and that has to be in our files. Do you think he would go to the trouble of testing us without checking us out first?" She paused for a moment, giving each of her teammates a searching glance, before turning back. "Of course not. We surprised him. Ninja don't like surprises. He's just testing the limits of his information."

Sakura thought that over. "W-well then, should we tell him we can't do it?" At Sasuke's glare and Naruto's stubborn look, she hastened to explain. "I mean, doing the job is one thing, but you have to know your limits too, right? If we confront him, maybe he'll just come out with what it is he wants?"

Sasuke reached up to massage her temple. "No, I don't think that will work. Besides, whatever decision he makes, the advice he's given us so far has been... useful. Even if we fail, we should get everything we can out of this. They'll just keep sticking us together, anyway."

Sakura kept her dismay to herself. _No! I want to quit! At this rate I'll die!_

Relaxing her muscles, Sasuke leaned back. "I don't sense him anymore."

"What?" They weren't quite sure what that meant.

"Kakashi sensei, I don't sense him anywhere. I've been searching since he left."

"A-are you sure, Sasuke?" That meant... that meant... Sakura's mind whirled at the possibilities.

With one last look out, Sasuke cautiously nodded. "Yes."

Immediately spinning around, Sakura elbowed Naruto forcefully in the gut and began stuffing food into his now open mouth. "You just keep an eye out for sensei, Sasuke. I'll take care of the dumb-ass. You! No time for chewing! Swallow, you wimp!"

Naruto had only one thought in his mind. Sakura cares! "Grghghgl."

Before Sakura could manage more than half of her meal into Naruto's mouth, a faint tension at the edge of her senses halted her mid motion. Was that..?

Sasuke's reaction was more immediate. "No!"

Kroom! An explosion rocked them back, dust kicking up around them, obscuring their vision.

"_**You guys**_!" Out of the smoke came Kakashi, voice amplified, face radiating threat. They'd been found out! What the hell were they going to do now!? He reached an arm back, surely to end their lives, "Pass." and placed it on his hip, a supremely satisfied expression gracing them.

"...W-what?" What the hell was sensei thinking now! Slowly, Sakura parsed through his words. "P-passed? What the hell are you talking about!?"

Kakashi was more than pleased to answer her. "You guys are the first. Everyone else would just do whatever I told them. They were all simple-minded morons... Sakura? I think Naruto needs a little help."

Behind her, Naruto was gagging on the rather sizable amount of food he had reflexively tried to swallow in his shock. Without bothering to turn around, Sakura swung her fist into his solar plexus. "Ghu-oof! Ku-hwo-oh... Th-thanks... Sakura."

Smile faltering a bit, Kakashi addressed his new kunoichi-in-training. "Ah, Sakura? That's not really how you... ah, never mind. Just... never become a medic nin."

"Sensei. Your explanation?" Sakura wasn't about to be waylaid now.

Sighing, Kakashi leaned back and, stepping around them, ambled past the stumps. "A ninja must see underneath the underneath. Those who break the rules and codes of the ninja are called trash... but... you know what? Those who don't take care of their comrades... are lower than trash." He stopped at a waist high stone monument, standing underneath a large shade tree.

"When you were waiting, did you look at this?" Kakashi didn't wait for a response. "Every name you see carved here was a ninja recognized as a hero of the village."

"Whaaaa, really?" Naruto's awed look seemed to broadcast envy.

"But... they aren't simply normal heroes." Kakashi's look became distant.

"Well, what kind are they? Tell us, tell us!" Naruto could barely contain his enthusiasm.

"They are all heroes who died on duty."

At that, Naruto's enthusiasm died. He slowly looked down. "Oh." Sakura and Sasuke each emulated his reaction.

"This is a memorial. My best friend's name is on here." Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Kakashi faced about back to his students. "Anyone who doesn't understand what it means to have comrades is just a punk who doesn't deserve the title of shinobi."

At that, Kakashi's face returned to it's normal placid expression. "Like I said, you guys are the first. And... that ends the training. All of you pass." He gave them a thumbs up. "Starting tomorrow, Team Seven will begin its duties."

To that, Naruto could have only one response. "Haah! Yes! We did it! I told you guys we're awesome! Now you _have_ to believe me!"

Sasuke was content with a satisfied smirk, as if she knew it couldn't have gone any other way.

Sakura let her exhausted body fall to the ground, fully intent on capitalizing on the wave of relief with a good... ten day nap.

"Well, remember, bright and early tomorrow. Later."

"Hah! You bet! I- w-wait. What about... Dammit! I knew this would happen! Untie me, you bastard! ...Um, hello? S-Sakura? Sasuke? Are you guys awa-"

Thunk thunk thud!

"Ack! ...Thanks."

Their ordeal finished, the three slid into an exhausted slumber.

AN:

Nothing to really say. Meant to have this out yesterday, but the extra time was worth it, I think. At first this was a real pain to write, and I thought it would be terrible, but now that it's finished, I'm looking at it more favorably. Definitely gonna put more Ranma in though. Was kinda boring without her. Still, the day's only half over for our intrepid trio and I'm sure they'll run into her next chapter. Meh heh heh. And hey, I think the action flowed much better this time around. Maybe I'm getting better! Also, the squirrel thing was a shout out to a Ranma fic going by the name of... something. I honestly don't remember, and I can't find it, but I'm pretty sure it was hilarious. Unless I'm confusing it with something else...


	4. No Day So Bad

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap." Carrie P. Snow

Chapter 4

No Day So Bad

"Look, just admit yer lost."

"Ruff!"

"Don't you ruff me. We've passed that building three times now."

"Hinn."

"Yeah, yeah, an if sorrys were ice cream, I'd be twenty concussions and a body cast less to . . . eh, what was I sayin'?" Ranma stopped at the sudden loss of her line of thought, then quickly shrugged it off as unimportant. "Guess we'll just have to ask around or somethin'."

"Hrr?" The puppy turned a reproachful eye towards her, as if affronted by her lack of confidence in his abilities.

That brought Ranma up short. "Oh, hell no. You listen here. First you're not stoppin' to get directions, then you're ignoring somebody's warnin'. Next thing you know, you've got a curse hangin' off your chest an' a crazy maniac hunting ya down like a wild animal. Always get the lay a' the land before ya do anything. Understand?" Her words brought confusion into the pup's eyes, but he nodded his agreement.

"Good. Now, let's see if I can figure out where we are." Looking around the quiet street they'd wandered into, she took stock of her surroundings. "Well, there's the big ass monument, so that's north. Straight back that way is main street, so we must be on the east side. Hmm." Looking more closely at the buildings around her, she noticed a small flower shop. "Yamanaka? I know where that is. That must mean we're. . ." Trailing off, she organized her memories of Konoha's layout. A moment of thought had her snapping her fingers. "I know. We ain't far from a police department. We can ask them for help."

Perking his ears up at Ranma's change in tone, the puppy let out a questioning, "Hrr?"

Ruffling his ears, Ranma answered its question. "Yeah, usually they're pretty good about this stuff. 'Course, if pops were here he'd have us runnin' in the other direction, but he had more counts of petty theft than the police had thieves ta chase." A commotion from the flower shop drew her attention.

"Oh! This is terrible. Are you absolutely sure you don't have any? This was my last hope." A rather well dressed, and quite fat, woman was talking to a young blonde girl at the front of the flower shop.

"I'm really sorry Madam Shijimi. We just don't carry any fruit here. Because it's a flower shop. For flowers. Not fruit." The kid seemed annoyed.

Making a comically exaggerated display of distress and waving her hands about, and dear ancestors the woman had enough jewelry on to feed Genma for a year, the older lady continued without heed. "Oh, my husband will be so disappointed. We were _so_ looking forward to having fresh fruit to celebrate Tora's new collar. But everywhere we've been, they've told us that the shipments are all late. Can you believe that?"

The look on the girl's face seemed to say she believed several things, but was managing to keep from sharing them. "Yes, I've heard about that. Something about bandits in the Land of Wave."

That only set the lady off further. "Well, if that's the case, shouldn't you do something?"

"Do . . . something?" Oh, this was great. The girl clearly didn't know how to handle stuck up aristocrats.

"Yes. Because you're ninja. Isn't it your job?" Ninja? Examining the kid more closely, Ranma saw that she had her hitai-ite tied about her waist. Sigh. Why didn't they just hand the damn things out to pregnant mothers and save themselves some time?

"Our job? To hunt Wave bandits? The bandits who are from Wave. Which is not the Land of Fire." Kid was in desperate need of some pointers.

"Yes." 'Cause blunt just never seemed to cut it with these types.

Turning the conversation over in her head, Ranma began to construct a quick racket to fill her pockets and maybe curry a bit of favor as well. Turning to the pup, who had been watching the confrontation with surprising concentration, she got his attention. "Hey, wanna help me scam some money right quick?" At his inquisitive growl, she grinned and ducked into an alleyway behind some boxes.

"Alright, watch this." Reaching into her pocket, Ranma pulled out a few seeds. Gripping them in a fist, she focused until a light blue glow haloed her hand. Slowly, a small vine curled out and grew down from between her fingers, followed by several more. Before the startled and amazed eyes of her companion, the vines turned into thick bushes that flowered and grew huge, ripe berries.

"Heh. Cool, huh?" She got a fascinated nod in return. "Waste a' ki of course, but it's got its uses."

Pulling a basket out from seemingly nowhere, she quickly shook her bounty free. "I got an idea, but it'll take both of us workin' together, maybe Risu-chan too. So, ready to learn Anything Goes Cry of the Laden Crane?" The pup eagerly nodded. "Right, here's what ya need ta do." Laying out her plan, she found an apt student in the young dog. It was only moments before they were ready to go.

"Hey, are ya sure about that name you picked out? Once we start, there'll be no going back. You'll be stuck with it." He just gave her a stubborn look. "Right. Let's do this."

55555

"_Yes_. Maybe you should talk to the Hokage about the fruit shortage. I'm sure he could do something about it for you. Unlike me. The genin." Ino Yamanaka was slowly losing her mind. She was sure of it. Madam Shijimi was incapable of understanding the most simple of concepts. Like the difference between a grocer and a florist.

Her first day as a ninja was supposed to be special. Instead, she'd been suckered into some stupid test, a test her team only passed because she was able to _convince_ her teammates it was in their best interests, and now this! Between Shikamaru's laziness and Madam Shijimi's ineptitude she was on the verge of, of . . . argh! Sudden movement fortunately distracted her from her growing desire to use Yamanaka secret arts on the woman.

"Ruff!"

A puppy? It looked like one of the Inuzuka's dogs, running playfully along the street. What was a ninken doing running around loose?

"Mao! Oh Mao! Please don't run away like that! You know I can't keep up with this _bi-ig_ basket of fresh, ripe fruit!"

That brought Ino up short. There, running along right behind the puppy, was a young, teenage girl. A very beautiful, _very_ well-endowed girl running. . . W-was she not wearing a- Ino's face immediately turned as red as any of the most vibrant of her flowers.

The puppy ran up to Madam Shijimi and began running circles around her. Right on his heels came the girl, sweeping him up and scolding him. "What have I told you about bothering strangers like that? Oh Mao, what am I going to do with you?"

Tilting her wide-brimmed straw hat back, she widened what must have been the bluest eyes Ino had ever seen and spoke.

"I am _so_ sorry about that, ma'am. I hope little Mao here wasn't bothering you too much? He's just _so_ young that he doesn't understand good manners yet. Please, forgive us?"

Her contrite, teary-eyed look had _Ino_ wanting to wrap her arms around the girl and never let go, and that look wasn't even directed at her. It was Madam Shijimi's opinion that mattered though, and the shell-shocked look on her face didn't bode well.

"You. . . You are. . ."

She leaned forward and Ino winced, bracing herself for the worst.

"So _cuuuuuuute_!"

The woman swept the girl up in a bear-hug so fierce Ino was sure she heard bones crack. The girl's trailing pigtail was actually standing on end. A few moments into it without reprieve had Ino wondering if she should interfere before the girl died, but Madame Shijimi loosed the girl and held her back, obviously wanting another look.

"You must be the sweetest thing! Oh, how I wish Tora were here. The three of you would take the most _adorable_ pictures! Tell me, what is your name?"

Standing back and grabbing onto her hat, as if for balance, the girl stretched her limbs a bit. Okay, Ino definitely heard bones crack that time.

"Ah, aheh, um . . . Oh my! How rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Ranma Saotome, ma'am. It's an honor to meet you."

Then the girl curtsied. She actually curtsied! Ino had never actually seen it done before. She had thought no-one outside of the Daimyo's court did that. Just the same, it seemed to work on its target.

"Oh! Adorable, just adorable! I am Madam Shijimi and . . . what's that you have here?"

Looking down, Ranma raised the arm not occupied with the puppy. It was a basket filled with the most luscious berries Ino had ever seen.

"Oh, this? Well, you see, I found poor Mao here in an alleyway, abandoned. He had been staying there, protecting Risu from getting any more injured."

Before they could ask who Risu was, Ranma lifted her hat. There, sitting in makeshift bedding on her head, was a small, tortoiseshell and white colored kitten. Her leg was bandaged rather professionally. At the change in her environment, Risu looked up and mewled piteously. At the sight, Ino knew she was about to have a heart attack. It was just too heartbreaking.

"I couldn't just leave them there, but I am just a poor, country girl, new to town. In order to feed us, and get Risu some attention, I brought these to market. I was hoping some kind soul would buy them from me."

The desolate look Ranma had on her face was excruciating. Ino furiously hoped that Madam Shijimi would be that kind soul, because otherwise she knew she would give this girl every last ryo of her allowance.

"Oh! Oh my! Y-you poor, poor dears." Madam Shijimi was furiously wiping away tears. "I will not stand for such sweet dearies to go without. Oh Ro-ku. Roku! Where is that ma-"

"Right here, madame." A man wearing formal servant's garments stepped up behind his master. Ino started. She hadn't even been aware that he had been there. A ninja servant?

"My purse, quickly now." He handed her a large, gaudy bag, and she began rummaging through it. "Here we go, this should be enough for a short while."

She handed Ranma the largest wad of money Ino had ever seen. Judging by Ranma's eyes, it was the largest she'd ever seen too.

"And I insist you have dinner with us tonight. I absolutely insist. I can't take no for an answer!"

"Ah, yeah. Sure! Thank you ever so much, ma'am! This means a lot to us."

"Oh pish posh, think nothing of it. Come by around six. Oh, I simply can't wait. I must try one of these berries right now."

Reaching into the basket, now carried by Roku, she selected one and placed it in her mouth. She chewed only once before she stopped, color rushing to her face.

"Ah, you alright?"

"Madame?"

Had the berries gone bad? Ino knew they weren't poisonous. Before she could investigate, Madam Shijimi came out of her shock.

"These . . . are the most . . . I don't even have words. Where on earth did you find these?" The look of bliss on her face said everything.

Ranma looked uncomfortable. "Ah, well . . . I grew them myself?"

Before she could continue, Madam Shijimi spun around on Ino. "Miss Yamanaka, your family are herbalists, correct?"

"Um, yes?"

"Here, tell me what you think of these."

Hesitantly, Ino stretched out her hand and took one. Bracing herself, she bit into it . . . and her mouth melted in sumptuous heaven, the world around her fading away. Somehow, it felt like today was the best day of her life, as if nothing could stop her. Her emotions had taken wing and she was flying far above her insignificant little problems. Had she been able to see herself, she would have noticed that her eyes had rolled back and her legs were shaking.

Finally, the amazing feeling subsided. Opening her eyes, she found herself in the arms of Ranma, clearly concerned.

"Hey? You okay? I didn't think that would happen. I mean, they're just berries."

"J-just berries? How- what did you put in these things? That was the most amazing. . ."

Ranma wouldn't meet her eyes. "T-tender loving care?"

Had Ino been in a clearer state of mind, she would have called Ranma on the obvious circumlocution, but as it was, she still couldn't stand upright.

"From now on, if you ever have any more fruit to sell, you come straight to me." Madam Shijimi looked slightly desperate. "I'll pay anything you want, just make sure you come to me first, understand?"

Ranma nodded uncertainly. "S-sure. No problem." That seemed to relax the woman.

Ino was currently cursing herself for not offering her entire allowance, plus whatever was in the cash register as well. Seeing that Ino was feeling better, Ranma stood her up once again. For a moment, an awkward silence fell.

"Madame, your husband is waiting."

"Oh! Of course! Don't forget what I said, now. I'll see you at six, ta-ta!" With that, she hurried down the street, her manservant following a respectful distance behind.

They watched her until she turned a corner, disappearing, and then Ranma changed into a more relaxed stance, releasing a very red Ino. "Whew, that was more work than I was expecting. You okay, Mao?"

They pup just gave her a hard look.

"Hey! I didn't know she was gonna grab us like that! An' besides, for a free meal, you can take a little hug. Don't be a wimp."

Mao glared harder, but apparently accepted what she said.

Turning to Ino, Ranma smirked. "An' that is how it's done."

Ino was having a hard time comprehending what was going on. Ranma's demeanor had changed completely, and her accent was bizarre. Ino had never encountered anything like it. "What?"

Ranma's grin widened. "Handling aristocrats is an art. They all grew up funny, an' it makes 'em a little hard in the head. I saw you having trouble an' figured I could help. Never could resist a damsel in distress."

Ino's face felt like fire, but she managed to answer. "D-do you mean you were lying, then?" Somehow, she just couldn't believe it.

"Wh- No! Everythin' I said was the truth. I found Mao an' Risu in an alleyway. I mean, I patched Risu here up, so she really don't need anything but rest. But I am new in town an' I can't take care of 'em. I was just on my way to the police station to see if they could help me find Mao's owners. All I need ta do is find his owners and make sure that they'll take care of 'im an' Risu-chan here. I did kinda' ham it up a bit, I guess, but it was all true."

Actually, even put frankly, it was still pretty sad. And Ranma's strange accent became thicker the more flustered she became, it seemed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you."

"Ah, forget it. Least ya didn't try ta kill me."

Kill her? What kind of life had Ranma lived where she expected that sort of thing? Studying the girl in front of her to gain some clue, she noticed that Ranma was no taller than Ino herself. It was only Ranma's prodigious bust that gave lie to her apparent age. And now Ino was thinking back to the hold Ranma had her in when she nearly fell. Definitely not wearing a. . .

"Hey, your face is all red again. Are ya sure those berries were okay?"

Setting those thoughts to the furthest reaches of the back of her mind, Ino asked the other question she had. "What did you mean by handling aristocrats?" Ranma's smile returned. She was obviously the forgive and forget kind.

"Aristocrats don't speak the same language as normal people. They never learned what sayin' no means. You say 'no', they hear 'yes, but you have to talk me ta death first'. Real annoyin'. 'Specially when ya can't give 'em what they want. The trick is to make 'em think what they want is somethin' or somewhere else."

"Wait, how would I do that?" Ino was fascinated, no one had ever explained things in this sort of detail to her before, but she was having trouble following.

Ranma chuckled. "Ya actually nearly had it. How do ya think she got ta your shop in the first place?"

Ino pursed her lips. "Because she has the brains of a slug?"

Bemused, Ranma shook her head. "Heh, 'sides that. Think about it. Lady wants some fresh fruit. She goes to market, talks to a vendor. 'Oh no! You have no fruit? Whatever shall I do? Are you _sure_ you don't have any?'"

Ino covered her mouth to keep from giggling at Ranma's spot on impersonation.

"He don't want ta lose her business, but he ain't got what she needs. What's he gonna do? Simple. Pass the buck. He tells her that he knows this other guy an' maybe he's got what she needs. So off she goes, an' whaddaya know? He ain't got any either, but he knows of this _other_ other guy. Before ya know it, she's at the last grocer in town. He goes ta tell her about this other guy, but 'He doesn't have any.' 'Well, what about-' 'Already been there.' Now he's sweatin'. He's figured out he's the last guy an' he can't tell her no. Can't risk his business gettin' a bad reputation. So what does he do? 'Well, there's this store down by the Yamanakas. They got plants. Why don't you talk to them?" Ranma's smile was predatory.

Ino's mirth died and quickly resurrected as righteous fury. "What!? Those bastards!" She wasn't sure what a buck was, but if she ever found it, she'd be sure to cram it down the throat of every grocer in town.

Ranma raised her hands placatingly. "Whoa now. Like I said, ya nearly had it with that Hokage thing." She clasped her hands and gazed wide-eyed at Ino. "Oh, no! No fruit? That _is_ terrible. I heard _all_ about that. Those terrible bandits in Wave are causing so-o much trouble for everyone. If only I was important enough to talk to the Hokage. He'd have this fixed in a jiffy, I'm sure." She shifted back to her rough persona. "An' that's that. The trick is ta make 'em think it's their idea. They probably won't remember ya anyway, so they can't blame ya if it goes wrong."

Ranma's mercurial mannerisms were throwing Ino off. As the best kunoichi in school, she had always been proud of her ability to read other girls, but Ranma seemed to elude her finely honed senses. More importantly, "That's. . ."

"Genius?"

"Genius!"

"Heh, had more'n enough experience, an' you looked like ya could use the help." Stretching, Ranma made to leave. "Well, I guess I better see if I can get Mao home. He's gettin' kinda antsy." Really, Ranma hadn't meant to spend so much time. Teaching seemed to be in her blood after all.

"Wait!" Ranma paused and raised an eyebrow, causing Ino to blush at her forwardness. "I mean, about the puppy."

Blinking in surprise, Ranma looked at Ino expectantly. "Yeah? What about 'im?"

"Uh, I think he might be one of the Inuzuka's dogs. They're the ones who keep almost all of the animals around here, anyway." Before Ino could blink, Ranma was right in her face.

"Really?"

Ino nodded, not sure whether to lean back or- "E-even if he isn't, they run the vet and pound so they'd be more helpful than the police."

"Hey, great! That'll save us tons of time. Hey Mao, are you one a' these Inuzukas?"

"Ruff!"

"Yes! Hear that Risu? We'll get you guys home in no time."

Ino was used to seeing ninken interact with their owners, so that the pup could answer intelligently was no surprise, but they were normally a lot more reserved around others, even other ninja. Ranma was becoming more and more interesting. "Um, to get there, you just follow this road east. Once you cross the river, the vet will be on your right just after. If you have trouble, just look for anyone with large fangs tattooed on their cheeks. That's their clan markings."

"Thanks a bunch! Hey, I never asked. What's your name?"

Ranma was giving her that open look again. Blushing, she replied, "I-Ino Yamanaka."

Ranma's mind whirled. She had heard that name before. Studying Ino, she thought it over. Ino, blonde, Yamanaka. Boar, the symbol of the Yamanaka clan. Ino, boar. Ino, pig. Heh. Ranma couldn't help it, she started chuckling.

"Is- is there something funny?" Ino wasn't used to being laughed at after introducing herself, but Ranma apparently didn't do things normally.

Ranma merely waved off her concerns. "Heh, naw, it's nothin'. Just thinkin' today's been a pretty good day, ya know?"

Blushing again, Ino nodded. Ranma waved and walked off, Ino watching till the last minute. As Ranma's form finally disappeared, Ino shook herself. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find Sasuke as soon as possible. Today had been far too confusing for her mind to handle.

~o0{O}0o~

As the most populous of the hidden villages, Konoha was very urban, metal and stone having long replaced most of the wood the original settlement had been built with. However, even as they expanded, the city's designers kept in mind the roots from which they sprung. Forested training grounds broke the gray metropolitan scenery and trees and shrubs dotted the streets, becoming more prominent the further one was from the center.

To the powerful nose of an Inuzuka, the rich smells of the wild mixing with the diversity of human life was fascinating. Today, however, Hana Inuzuka hadn't the time to drink in the pungent aromas of her home. Normally content to work till late at the Konoha hospital, today she had been forced to cut her shift short. A clan summons wasn't something one just ignored, her mother even less so. Focused as she was on returning home quickly, she was unusually oblivious to her surroundings. If it hadn't been for a particularly insistent vendor startling her out of her rush, she would have missed it entirely.

"Are you certain miss? Today's steamed buns are particularly-"

"No. Thank you. I'm in a bit . . . of a . . . hurry." It was then that she smelled it. A faint wisp hanging on the breeze. She wasn't even certain what _it_ was, other than perhaps the most unique scent she'd ever encountered. Somehow, it smelled of . . . vitality . . . and confidence. Whatever else it might have been, it was weak. Ignoring the hustle and bustle around her, she tuned everything she had on it. Even using chakra to augment her sense of smell couldn't help her identify it, but. . .

Turning about, she scanned the street. The typical rush from lunch had thinned out, leaving only a small stream of stragglers. Nothing seemed to stand out as alien enough to. . . There! A flash of bright red drew her attention. A . . . person? A girl. Now that she had a target to fix her attention on, she found that the odd scent did indeed have an undercurrent of human to it. How had she missed it?

The girl herself certainly didn't look like a ninja, at least from the back. Short, at least fifteen centimeters shorter than Hana herself, she had on simple garb in the style of westerners. Her hair was done in a short pigtail hanging from beneath a large straw hat, and her skin was almost ivory pale. She was also holding something out of sight. Straining all her senses, Hana still couldn't pick up anything out of the ordinary from her, besides her smell, but something. . .

As she studied the enigma before her, the girl suddenly stopped. Tilting her head, as if in thought, she spun slowly around and, almost immediately, locked eyes with Hana. For a moment, they studied each other, ignoring the flow of traffic around them. Quickly, Hana became uncomfortable. This sort of scrutiny, especially from a civilian, had always made her nervous. Inuzuka weren't known for their human appearance. Hana had made an attempt, straightening her naturally wild hair into a simple ponytail and hiding her unusual eyes and canines, but there would always be something of the feral in her. Something that even normal humans with their deadened senses could pick up on.

Suddenly, the girl grinned and started moving towards her. Oh no. Hana knew this type. Even with the simple clothes she was a beauty, and was clearly aware of it. She'd noticed Hana's admittedly rude staring and decided to confront her in some petty power play. Now the girl was nearly on her. Well, she'd just apologize and excuse herself. She didn't have time anyway, and there was no need for-

"Hey, you're pretty cute."

W-what? Hana's thought process ground to a halt, trying to shift gears to match the girl. However, after that complete non sequitur, she simply studied Hana's face, her eyes roaming. What was this girl thinking?

"Yer a' Inuzuka right?"

"I-I'm sorry?" What did her clan have to do with anything?

"Eh? What're ya sorry for?" The girl blinked in apparent confusion. "Naw, I was jus wonderin' if ya were from the Inuzuka. Ino-chan said I just had ta look for the tattoos. Was she wrong? That's weird. She seemed sure. . ."

The girl's accent was barely understandable, definitely not from the Land of Fire. Even the few natives from Stone Hana had heard didn't sound quite like her. Just where was she from, anyway? And who was Ino Chan? "Ah, no, that's right. I am, but what would you need from us?"

"Great! I found one a' yer puppies wanderin' around an' I figured you'd want 'im back."

Puppy? Sure enough, looking down at what the girl was carrying, Hana found herself looking at one of her clan's ninken. One of Aneko's recent litter by the looks of him. "How- you just found him?"

"Well, more like he found me. Wanted help fixing up his friend an' dragged me inta it. I was too much of a sucker ta say no."

"Wait, friend?"

Glancing around, as if expecting enemy nin to ambush her, the girl grabbed her hat and tilted it up. Underneath was . . . a kitten? A kitten with a splint on its leg? What in the world was going on? "So . . . a cat-" before she could go any further, the girl froze, then reached out and attached herself to Hana's arm. The outright panic in her eyes as she jerked her head back and forth startled Hana from reacting.

"C-c-c-cat!? W-where? I-I don't see no c-c-cats."

She was actually trembling, her small frame attempting to melt into Hana's. And was she not wearing-? Breaking off any thoughts that could distract her from piecing together just what the hell was going on, she tried to gain the distraught girl's attention. "What's wrong? I was just talking about . . . on your head. The k-"

"Ruff!"

The puppy interrupted, glaring as if trying to burn holes into her. He was too young to communicate well, but he could get simple things out. His desire for her to shut up came through loud and clear. He was almost growling at her.

Somehow, the girl relaxed a small amount, though she kept her grip on Hana's arm. Her very distracting gr- argh!

"A-are ya talkin' about Risu? H-hah. G-geez, don't do that ta me. If one a' those monsters was around I'd- N-not that I'm scared or nothin'."

Of course not. It was perfectly normal to attempt to become someone else's second skin from wherever she come from.

"A-anyway. Risu-chan ain't a c-c- that. She's a squirrel."

Hana blinked. Then she blinked again. Looking down at the pup didn't solve anything. He just nodded sagely, as if this were perfectly normal. As young as he was, he probably did think this was normal. "So. . ."

"Yeah. Just 'cause she's got a little deformity is no reason ta be insultin'. She's pretty nice once ya get ta know her."

The doctor in her couldn't help but analyze the girl. It didn't take a Yamanaka to recognize what was obviously a phobia of felines. An extremely intense phobia, if the mere mention of one caused this strong a reaction.

Channeling chakra to her eyes, Hana examined the hand on her arm and the face just beyond. What she saw was shocking. Scar tissue, it covered nearly every inch of skin she could see. Somehow, it had healed in such a way as to blend together completely, yet still left the skin hypopigmented. Without a close examination by a decently skilled medic nin, it would be impossible to see. That at least explained why her skin was so fair when she obviously wasn't of noble blood, but it left a mountain of unanswered questions behind.

"Hee heheh, s-stop that!"

Dropping the jutsu, she looked in surprise.

The girl fidgeted a bit. "Ah, it tickled. . . Whatever you were doin'."

A chakra sensor? A sensitive, untrained chakra sensor. What else was this girl hiding? Before Hana could decide what to do, the girl tensed again and suddenly leaped back, free hand upraised as if expecting an attack.

"Ah! Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry! It was an accident! I didn't mean to grab ya like that!"

"Whoa, calm down. It's fine." What in the world. . .

Ranma couldn't allow herself to relax right away. "R-really? Ya ain't gonna hit me or anythin'?"

Hit her? Maybe Hana was a little rough looking, but. . . "No. Of course not. Why would I hit you?" She kept her voice in control, the girl was skittish enough as it was, but she couldn't help being a little curt.

"That's weird. Normally I'd get my block knocked off. Is it 'cause I'm a girl? No, I usually get hit even then. Maybe things are different here."

The girl's voice was low, muttering to herself, but sharp ears picked up every word. Now Hana was just confused again. This was too much. She needed to figure out what was going on and she couldn't do that here. "Ah, never mind that. Why don't you just come with me? I don't want to disturb the- Risu's bindings, so it would be better that way. I'm Hana Inuzuka, by the way." Delivering an unknown into the midst of her clan without even learning her name would just be stupid.

"Right! I'm Saotome Ranma. Er, I mean, Ranma Saotome, sorry 'bout this."

Definitely western then, likely from beyond the Land of Earth. No one reversed their name like that around here, anymore. Not unless they were doing historical plays. How she managed to get so far from home was just one more mystery to be solved. "Well, follow me then. We aren't far."

~o0{O}0o~

"O-kay! I'll see you guys tomorrow!" Naruto was in an excellent mood.

"Just go Naruto, you're getting on my nerves. How in the hell you can still have so much energy after that. . ." Sakura kept muttering complaints and mild curses as she slowly, painfully, made her way home.

Sasuke didn't even bother with that much, simply heading towards the Uchiha compound with as much speed as her aching body would allow.

Not letting his teammates' moody affects ruin his own high spirits, Naruto quickly set off for the Ichiraku Ramen Bar. The lunch Kakashi had brought was alright, but now that he was officially a ninja, he felt that he needed to celebrate with something a little more special. He set off running across the rooftops, meaning to save as much time as possible.

It didn't take Naruto long to get within sight of his destination. Teuchi, the proprietor of Ichiraku, had let him know in no uncertain terms that he didn't appreciate Naruto falling from the sky and startling and occasionally bowling over other patrons. So, when Naruto made it to a roof that was only a little distance away, he made to jump to the ground in a small alley below.

And landed directly on top of someone. "Oof!"

Unable to compensate for the unexpected obstacle, he fell in a tangle of limbs and curses, taking the other person down to the ground with him. Maybe he wasn't quite as recovered from earlier as he had thought.

By the rather feminine squeaks, he'd just knocked over a girl, a girl his age if her size was anything to go on. If his experiences with Sakura had taught him anything, it was that the next few moments were crucial in order to avoid getting his ass beat. Extricating himself, Naruto reached out to help her up. "You okay? Man, that sure was a uh," _Think_ dammit! Right! Operation . . . "A close call! Right! Man, that jerk Sasuke never looks where he's throwing those stupid kunai of his." Blame Sasuke . . . "Lucky I got to you in time. Heh, heheheh." Gogogogo _go_!

"N-Naruto?"

Oh crap, he'd been made already? She knew who he was? That meant she had to be a classmate. Operation: Blame Sasuke, or Operation: BS, wasn't meant to be used on classmates! Especially girls! This was an unmitigated disaster. His only hope was that she was one of the less dedicated fan girls, then he might escape with only a few bruises and cracked bones.

Lifting her head, the girl met Naruto's eyes. Short blue-black hair framed a cute, if still rather shocked, face. It was the eyes that were most telling, though. Milky white eyes, bereft of pupils or anything normally marking such organs, still gave the impression of keen perception. Such eyes belonged to the Hyuuga clan bloodline, Byakugan. Hadn't there been a Hyuuga that had passed the exams this year? What was her name?

Before he could dredge up any memories to help him identify her, the girl suddenly reddened and backed away quickly, bowing several times.

"I- I'm sorry. I didn't- I mean, I thought you were- you sounded like- N-not that you sound like a- I- I'm _sorry!"_She finally cut off her stuttering with a humiliated squeak.

Hmm, Hyuuga, red face, easily embarrassed, stutters a whole lot. . . "Hey, I know you. You're Hinata right?"

She actually seemed to become more flustered now that she'd been recognized. "U-um, d-do I know you?"

The way she was looking at him, it was almost as if she wanted the answer to be no. Weird. "What are you talking about? I'm Naruto! You just said my name."

"N-Naruto? But, um, you don't-" She studied his face carefully. "Or m-maybe you do. But, that is, you look . . . um, y-your hair?" She finished weakly.

Grabbing a lock of his still red hair, he grinned at her. "Oh, you mean this? Cool, right? It was sensei's fault, but I figured I'd leave it. Now I'm even _more_ awesome, eh?"

"Y-your sensei did- but. . ." Hinata chewed her lip. This person obviously looked like Naruto, at least in the face, but the hair and what she'd felt of the body. . . She violently shook that thought from her head. That way lay madness. Hyuuga were taught to rely on their sight more than any other sense, given the advantage their eyes gave them, but the conflicting messages she was receiving were too much. "Um, w-would you mind if I, c-could I use. . ."

"Um, sure, I guess. Whatever you want." Truthfully, Naruto had no idea what she wanted, but she wasn't hitting him and that was fine by him. He watched as she clasped her hands together in the seal of the snake, modified with her right forefinger upraised to her eye. Wasn't that the seal for the Byakugan? Varicose veins bulged out around and in Hinata's eyes, and a small half-circle that almost looked like a pupil appeared. Ew. He'd forgotten what it looked like when they activated their super vision.

Suddenly, Hinata gasped. "Wha. . . How? N-Naruto?"

"Ha! Told ya."

"But, but . . . you're a gir-"

Leaping forward, Naruto clasped a hand over her mouth. Frantically scanning the alley to make absolutely sure they were alone, he dragged her further in. "Don't do that! What if somebody was listening? I can't let anybody know." His shoulders sagged as he realized that it was a bit late to conceal it. He couldn't even try to deny it anymore. "Aw man, what am I gonna do now?"

Hinata was beginning to look rather red, he noticed. Not that he was sure why, he _had_ remembered to leave her nose uncovered, but he released her anyway. "Ah, sorry. How'd you figure it out anyway?"

Hinata took a moment to let her emotions calm down. She wasn't used to such close contact. Especially from someone she. . . Face reddening again, she focused on the question. "Um, your ch- chakra pathways. They're the same, but, um, y-your body. . . It- it's, well, it's . . . you know." She looked down and started fiddling with her fingers to keep herself calm.

Naruto thought that over. "So you're saying you know who people are just by doing your eye thing? Wow, that's amazing!"

Hinata blushed cutely at the praise.

"Wait a minute. Does that mean you can see through my clothes? Isn't that kinda pervy?"

"_Eep_." For a moment, Hinata could only work her jaw, her face reaching a temperature that couldn't be healthy. She felt herself going faint from the humiliation, but her training as the daughter of the head of the Hyuuga clan forced her back to unwelcome consciousness. "N-no! I didn't! I wouldn't! Th-the Byakugan, you have t-to activate . . . on purpose! Eep! Not that I w-would! I asked! I did! P-please forgive me! I'll do anything! _Please_!" Hinata began bowing as low as she possibly could. If Naruto thought she was a pervert, she couldn't go on living.

Naruto stood there, slack jawed. This was not how things were supposed to go. He was the one who got called a pervert and had to beg for his life, not girls. Then again, his body was a girl's now. Maybe that was the difference? Yes! Bonus! Of course, it only seemed to work when people knew he was a girl, so it wasn't all that useful. Still, since Hinata already knew, maybe he could get her to help him out? She did say anything, after all.

"Um, it's okay. It's not really that big a deal, right? You're not gonna tell anybody, are you?" Hinata fervently shook her head no. "Well, in that case, maybe you can help me figure out how to go back to being a guy again?"

Numb with relief, it took Hinata a moment to realize what Naruto was asking. "Back? Um, o-okay. Maybe if you . . . told me how, um, you know. . ."

It was something of a relief to finally have someone to talk to about his predicament. "Well, it's pretty simple. Everything was fine, then I went to take a bath and I was a girl. I think what happened was I got to accidentally thinking like a girl and didn't notice, cuz of exams and stuff, and my body got confused when I did my sexy jutsu. Now I'm stuck."

That . . . didn't sound even remotely plausible. But then again, neither did random sex changes. "A-and, um, your hair?"

"Huh? Oh, that was sensei's fault. Me and Sakura and Sasuke were playing a prank on her for being late, and it kinda backfired. I still don't get how. Even down there changed."

That had Hinata blushing again.

"Now that I think about it, she made my voice change too. And Sasuke's."

Changed his voice? Maybe . . . maybe it hadn't been random. Maybe Naruto's sensei had . . . and Sasuke too? That was terrible. No prank was worth that kind of punishment. She had to tell him. "Um, I think-"

"Aw man but sensei is scary. You wouldn't believe the crap she put us through. We had to run through this freaky forest with monsters and everything. Those spiders were huge!" He spread his arms as wide as he could. "Way bigger than us. _And_ she kept throwing tons of exploding tags at us. She even paralyzed Sasuke! I didn't even get to laugh about it cuz the jerk couldn't help us fight off those freakin' spiders. We nearly died!"

Hinata began to feel faint. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to get in the way after all. His sensei probably had everything under control, and it wouldn't be polite to meddle.

"Anyway, that stuff doesn't matter. I already figured out what I need to do next."

"Y-you did?" She really needed to lie down after this.

Naruto nodded. "Yep, Sakura helped me figure it out. All I gotta do is start thinking like a guy again, and use my reverse sexy jutsu. Sakura says the thing guys need most is girlfriends, so all I gotta do is- Hey! I know! Hinata, wanna be my girlfriend?"

What was this strange lightheaded feeling? Odd, but there was no time for that. She needed to answer Naruto. It was only polite. What had he asked again? Would she like to get married? "Of course, Naruto. That would be . . . wonderful." _Whump_!

"H-Hinata? Oy, Hinata! Are you okay!? Hinata!"

~o0{O}0o~

Opening the backdoor to the Inuzuka clan's veterinarian hospital, Hana waved Ranma inside. "Be careful not to disturb the patients."

"No problem." Ranma definitely didn't want more animals following her around. At least the hall they had entered showed no signs of life. "Look, 'bout before-"

"The treatment area is right through here. We can get some dry clothes after we take care of your friend." Hana really didn't want to talk about it.

"I said I was sorry." Having girls angry at her might have been normal, but it wasn't the healthiest position to be in.

"And I still don't understand what you're sorry for. It was that woman's fault for not looking before she dumped her laundry water. And that delivery boy really should have been more careful with those barrels. The horse was . . . you can't blame him for kicking over his water trough. He's just an ordinary animal."

Ranma still wasn't convinced she was in the clear. "An' the other five times?"

"It was just . . . coincidence." Coincidence that occurred every time Hana was asking a question that made Ranma uneasy, but. . . "A bad day. Why do you think it's your fault anyway?"

Ranma nervously fingered her pigtail. There was no way she could tell the truth. My curse likes to act up and give me crap sometimes, and getting locked didn't put a stop to it, apparently? Yeah, no. She wasn't that stupid. "Heh, well, I just . . . feel bad? 'Cause I dodged most of it, an' you got hit?"

Hana considered that as she ushered them through the door to the treatment area. Ranma seemed incapable of lying competently. Even without her heightened senses, Hana could have seen through that pathetic display. At the same time, it was impossible to figure out what she was hiding. There was no way Ranma could have caused any of . . . whatever that had been. It was impossible, no matter how convenient it seemed.

Maybe it was just an ingrained reaction? Hana had needed to reassure fearful and jumpy patients before, but Ranma was acting like an abuse victim. Perhaps Ranma was an escaped slave, or something of the sort? That would explain a lot, yet, again, leave even more questions. Regardless, Ranma's body language clearly said that she expected to be punished, and Hana needed her relaxed if she was to get her answers. "You didn't do anything wrong. You kept the k-"

"Grr."

"Risu dry. That's all that counts. You did the right thing. It's my own fault for not watching my surroundings more closely." Flushing, Ranma continued her attentions to her braid. Apparently, complimenting her left her almost as flustered as being angry with her did.

Mao, for his part, didn't seem overly concerned over a bit of water. "Ruff!"

Ranma perked up at the puppy's interjection. "Mao's right. We should get ta Risu." Closing her eyes, she removed her hat and gently lifted and placed Risu, who had been napping comfortably, on a nearby examining table. Twisting around where she could no longer see the squirrel, she gave Hana a bright grin. "Guess it's your turn then."

It seemed Risu's declared status as a squirrel wasn't quite as ingrained a delusion as Hana had assumed. Interesting.

"Ruff!"

"What? Ya wanna see, too? Ugh, fine. Keep quiet an' don't bother Hana. She's doin' this for you ya know."

Mao seemed agreeable to the terms as he scrambled into her arms. "Hrr?"

"Gimme a second. Ain't like I'm gonna run off." Closing her eyes again, Ranma turned around and stood slightly off to the side of the table. "This's okay right?"

"Um, yes." Hana was increasingly amazed at Ranma's ability to correctly interpret what Mao was saying to her. Inuzuka grew up with their ninken, so communicating in the clan language was as natural as breathing. For an outsider to do it so naturally was . . . bizarre. Even if Mao was only capable of simple words, it was still impressive. That was another mystery she absolutely had to get to the bottom of. A strange scent was one thing; clan secrets were wholly different.

That was for later, however. Stepping up and placing a hand on the broken limb, another on the head, Hana started the examination with a simple healer's scan, feeling out into the kitten's body with her chakra. She didn't want to disturb the dressing until she knew what she was dealing with. "No cuts or breaks in the skin. A closed fracture, that's good. . . Hmm, Only minor post-fracture edema." That was odd. She would have expected more swelling if it were as serious as to need a splint right away. Perhaps Ranma had overreacted.

Searching deeper, Hana nearly dropped her jutsu in shock. The leg was most certainly broken. The radius and ulna had suffered a complete fracture, dislocating the joint above. An injury like this could leave any animal crippled, even with the best care. Somehow though, somehow the bones had been realigned, the fragments pieced into place like a puzzle, and they were knitting themselves back together at an astonishing rate. More then that, she saw only minor tissue damage. Even the best team of surgeons would leave noticeable damage afterward, unless you were Lady Tsunade.

"Um, s'everything alright?"

"What?" Hana turned her attention back to the waiting duo.

"Ya sounded kinda upset. We were gettin' worried. She's gonna be okay, right?"

Ranma and Mao both looked tense. She must have made some noise when she was looking Risu over. "Oh, yes. Of course, she's actually in wonderful condition, considering." Their fears relieved, they both relaxed.

"That's good. I told her she'd be back ta runnin' around in a couple a' days. Would hate ta've lied to her."

A couple of days? This sort of injury typically took months to recover from, if it happened at all. If she knew enough field medicine to be able to properly recognize and treat Risu's wound, she had to know that as well. Unless . . . did that mean Ranma had done more than bind Risu up? "How di-"

"_**Haana**_!"

That booming voice made Hana's blood run cold. After all the commotion, she'd forgotten her mother's summons. Tsume wasn't someone you ignored. This . . . wasn't going to be pleasant.

"_Hana_! I'm coming back there! Unless you're missing a limb, I'm going to string you up naked, slather you with honey, and leave you for the _goddamned crows_!"

Before Hana had the chance to weigh the risks of a quick amputation against her mother's threats, the door ripped from its hinges and flew past. Fuck.

Through the demolished doorway stalked one of the fiercest women Ranma had ever seen. That . . . was an impressive statement, all told. The woman had the same clan markings and dark brunette hair as Hana, as well as a face that bore familial resemblance, but the similarities ended there. Her hair wasn't in any way neat or tidy, instead shooting out in spikes alongside her face and down her back. Her dark pupils were contracted into slits, focused unerringly on Hana. Her lips, covered in a fierce shade of violet, were tautened and twisted into a snarl, long canines bared threateningly. The growl emanating from her lips reminded Ranma of one of Herb's subordinates. The wolf guy, whatever his name had been.

Speaking of wolves, a rather massive specimen was trailing behind her. He was black, with white covering his undersides and reaching up to his muzzle and left eye, his right covered by an eye patch. The wolf entered the room a few steps, then halted. Carefully sniffing the air, he turned to Ranma and stared. Figuring a staring contest with a wolf was more interesting than some boring family disagreement, Ranma decided to humor him. Besides, it had been a while since she'd had the opportunity to stare down a wolf as big as this one.

With her mother circling her, Hana had wisely averted her eyes and lowered her head submissively, backing away as she did. Despite being noticeably taller, Hana was attempting to shrink as far as her frame would let her. Tsume reached out with fingers that looked more like claws and grabbed Hana's uniform, pulling her even further down. Before she could get out more than threatening growls, Hana managed to stutter out a greeting.

"M-mother."

The endearment didn't seem to assuage any fury. For a few moments, Hana's mother simply continued growling at her, before finally returning to human language. "What the fuck did you think I called you out here for!? A picnic!? If I didn't need your nose right now I'd have you stripped and tied already!"

"Ah, w-what did you need, exactly?" Hana's voice was noticeably squeaky, but she knew better than to bother with excuses.

"One of those idiot genin lost a pup yesterday and didn't tell anyone! I didn't find out till just an hour ago, the goddamned moron! I've already got your brother and a half-dozen others searching the village, but it rained last night and they lost the scent. Somewhere near main street. I need you to go out and help organize them before they get completely hopeless. Can you do that, or do you need time to freshen up first?"

The answer to that question was rather obvious, but Hana was distracted by a simple realization. "Wait, lost puppy? Would that be one of Aneko's litter?"

"Yes! Do you need a description too!? How many damned lost nin pups can there be in town!?"

Deciding that tempting fate any further would not lead to anything she would want to remember, she simply pointed past her mother towards Ranma.

Following the gesture, Tsume turned to see a redheaded stranger holding her lost pup and . . . staring down Kuromaru? The redhead was beginning to look bored.

"Who the hell are you!?"

At being addressed, Ranma looked up. "Eh, Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this. Him too. Apologize Mao."

"Ruff!"

That . . . did not explain anything. Turning back to her daughter, she demanded, "What is this?"

Hana winced. There was a lot she needed to discuss with her mother, but she couldn't exactly say it all in Ranma's presence. "Well, I ran across Ranma on the way back, and she approached me about a lost ninken and an injured, ah, friend the ninken had. I took her back here to sort everything out. Um, Ranma? This is my mother, Special Jounin Tsume. That's Kuromaru over there."

Tsume eyed Ranma. "You found our lost pup?"

Ranma simply shrugged. "More like he found me. He wanted some help for his friend, but didn't know how to get home, so I dragged 'em around till I got some directions."

"Friend?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, Risu. She's the squirrel over there." She waved in the direction of the table, but didn't look.

Tsume, however, did. It seemed to take her a moment to register the discrepancy. "That's a c-"

"Ruff!"

At the interruption, Ranma began admonishing the puppy. "Geez, Mao. I already told her Risu's a squirrel. Ya don't have ta repeat it."

Tsume turned back to her daughter. "I think you're going to have to start over."

Opportunity. Giving Ranma what she hoped was an apologetic look, Hana said, "Ranma? Would you and Mao mind waiting in the other room for a few minutes? We have some . . . clan business we need to discuss." Tsume narrowed her eyes, but Hana ignored it.

"Yeah, no problem." Carefully stepping around the mess, Ranma made her way out the ruined door.

Before her mother could make any more demands, Hana hastened to point out the one thing that would give her pause. "Take a deep breath, mother." Whoops, poorly worded. Tsume was scowling now. "The scent. Breathe in the scent."

Suspiciously, Tsume took a hesitant sniff. Her eyes widened. She took in a full breath this time. "What? What is. . ." It didn't take her long. She spun around on the exit Ranma had taken. "Her? How? I didn't even-"

"Recognize it as human at first?"

Turning back, Tsume narrowed her eyes again and nodded. "What's going on, Hana?"

Sighing in relief now that she was in the clear, Hana put her thoughts in order. "I'm not sure exactly, I didn't have time to ask her much before you came in, but I think that girl has some sort of rare bloodline. She might not even be aware of it herself. Take a look at the patient. Tell me what you think."

Giving the kitten a quick look over, Tsume rapidly came to a diagnosis. "Looks like a cracked bone, nothing serious. A few weeks and she'll be fine."

Hana shook her head. "It's a complete fracture, several fragments, and the joint was dislocated. She'll be fine in a few days."

Tsume reeled back. "How the hell is that possible? A break like that would put a ninken out for months!"

"I don't know. What I do know is that the fragments were pieced back together perfectly, tissue damage was greatly _reduced_, and that girl is the one who did it. Either that, or we've got a super cat on our hands. Combined with the smell, and a few other things, I'm guessing the former is more likely."

Tsume considered that for a few moments. "What 'other things'?"

"She's a sensor for one. Extremely sensitive too, if untrained. I performed a light scan on her and she detected it. Said it 'tickled'. Furthermore, her skin is hypopigmented due to severe scarring. I'm guessing she has a latent healing ability that isn't quite perfect, leaving her skin unblemished, but without pigment. And . . ." This was the big one. "I'm fairly positive the reason the trackers lost the scent near main street is because that's where she picked him up." The significance of that was not lost on Tsume. "She also has an uncanny ability to understand ninken. A puppy isn't the best measure, however. I thought I'd expose her to the Haimaru brothers."

Pausing for a moment, Hana nibbled her lip. "Then there's . . . her psyche. She seems to have an extreme aversion to cats."

"Wait, cats? Who the hell is afraid of a fucking kitten?"

"Ranma is. Even the mere mention of one sets her off. She can get over the fear when necessary, obviously, but the method she uses is . . . odd."

"Is that what that squirrel nonsense was about?"

Hana nodded. "She wasn't able to be around a cat, so she convinced herself it was something different. So long as she doesn't look directly at it, she's able to keep up the delusion."

Tsume started pacing, mind racing. "Something like that doesn't just happen. She had no problem with Kuromaru, and he's _three times_ her size. How. . ?"

"I don't know, I'm not a Yamanaka. But, considering her scarring, I'm guessing she's an escaped slave. She was extremely skittish, kept expecting me to punish her for the most inane things. And she doesn't seem to understand how to interact normally within society, either. Perhaps whoever owned her used her fear to control her, for whatever abilities she has. Given her accent, style of dress, and a few other quirks, I think she's from the Land of Earth or beyond. These are all just guesses, of course. I'd need more time to understand her."

Stopping mid stride, Tsume looked thoughtful. Then she began to grin. It was the grin Hana hated and feared more than any other. Whatever came out of her mouth next was going to lead to pain and humiliation. Likely hers.

"Well, if time is all you need, I think that can be arranged."

The predatory look Tsume had wasn't quite aimed Hana's way, but still. "Mother, what are you planning?" Better safe than sorry.

"If the girl is as good as you say, I see no problem offering her a job here. She'd fit in fine, I bet."

"Shouldn't we report this to the Hokage first?"

Tsume waved her hand. "Report what? That some strange girl is going around rescuing kittens and puppies? Don't be ridiculous. If there _is_ anything strange about her, we can always deal with it later. And if, while she's here, she should happen across some Inuzuka stud that catches her eye, well, problem solved."

"_Mother_!" The sly look in Tsume's eye told Hana all she needed to know. Pain and humiliation. And Hana would be the one to deal with it while her mother looked on, laughing about what great training it was and how lucky Hana was to have such a wonderful teacher.

"Alright! I've decided. Let's go grab her and tell her the news. Kuromaru, let's . . . Kuromaru?" Looking around the room, they found that he had disappeared. "Where the hell. . ? Maybe he followed the girl. He probably noticed the scent first."

Leaving the room, they found his scent led directly to the kennels. Normally fairly noisy during the day, as the recuperating animals had little to do other than gossip, now it was suspiciously quiet. Giving each other an apprehensive look, they opened the door. What they found within was not what they expected.

Kuromaru was indeed inside, looking rather amused, along with what they were assuming was Ranma. Both were situated near the back of the room at a table, with the puppy sitting on Ranma's head.

"Ruff! Ruff ruff!" He didn't seem happy.

Ninja companions were among the most intelligent animals one could find, and the Inuzuka were proud to have some of the best trained in all the elemental countries. What that meant though, was that a simple cage held them only because they didn't want out. The Inuzuka training was clearly evident, as every cage in the kennels was wide open, and they were all curled up contentedly on and around the figure in the seat. Birds, dogs, snakes, cats. . .

Oh crap. "Ranma? Are you alright?" Hana really hoped she hadn't passed out.

"I didn't do it! It ain't my fault, I swear! I just sat down and next thing I know I'm bein' swarmed!"

"Ah, it's okay Ranma, no-one's blaming you. Just, can you see?"

"Not really."

Well that was something at least. "Just keep your eyes closed while we . . . deal with the squirrels."

"Squirrels? Why- oh. Right. Heh heheh. N-no p-problem."

It seemed her delusion wasn't really as deep as it first appeared. Good for Ranma's overall mental health. Not so good for their current situation.

Tsume was torn between laughing her guts out and spewing fire at the insubordination. "All right you lot, you've had your fun. Get back in your kennels. Now." Reluctantly, they started stirring, but several looked like they were considering ignoring her orders. "I swear, I will round up _every_ two year old in the fucking village and throw you to them, no questions asked. If you don't want to spend the next _six months_ as part of Konoha's newest petting zoo you'll get your fucking asses in gear, _now_!" That convinced them. One mad scramble later and Ranma was left unmolested.

"Ugh, this is why I can't stand animals."

"Really? You seem to have a way with them to me."

Ranma glared at Tsume. "The only reason they weren't tryin' ta eat me was 'cause they're trained. An' I'm pretty sure most a' those licks weren't 'cause they wanted ta be friends."

Kuromaru started sniggering and Tsume followed. This was guaranteed to be amusing, they could tell.

"Look, I didn't mean to spend all this time here. I just wanted to get Mao home and make sure Risu-chan would have someone ta take care of 'er."

Tsume took the lead. "About that. There might be a problem."

Ranma's shoulders slumped. "A' course. Waddaya want?"

It was almost as if Ranma had expected this. Best to handle her carefully. "Not so much want. The pup there is supposed to be named Atomaru, not Mao. Why did you change it?"

"Hey! I didn't change nothin'! He told me he didn't have a name, an' I didn't want to keep callin' 'im mutt. 'Sides, _I_ wanted to name 'im Longma, he's the one that wanted Mao."

Tsume made a pretense of pursing her lips, as if in thought. "The problem is that naming a ninken is a very important part of their training. As ninja, we need to know where loyalties lie. Interfering puts us in a difficult position, and it endangers Atomaru's future as well. If he's imprinted on you, he'll follow you to the ends of the world."

Hana started. What? That was bullshit! What in the world was her mother doing?

"There is one chance. If we can get his mother to accept him back, we might be able to recondition him."

Aneko was one of the most protective of the dams they kept. There was no way she'd let the puppy out of her sight again unless it was Tsume herself that took him. Ranma seemed to think the proposition was easily accomplished as well.

"That's all? Alright Mao, let's go see your mother."

"She's right through that door."

As Ranma let Mao lead her, Hana spoke quietly to her mother. "What are you thinking? Aneko won't-"

"Aneko will do what's best for her pup. If that's Ranma, she'll be the best judge. And even if she doesn't accept the girl, I can always guilt her into working a few shifts around here for all the 'trouble' she's caused. Heh."

Hana just shook her head. "That's evil."

"That's your mother. Heheh."

Hana turned to Kuromaru. "What do you think of all this?"

The ninken voiced a rumble in thought, then spoke. "Tsume's right. Let's see what Aneko has to say. Besides, the girl is interesting."

When both her mother and Kuromaru found something 'interesting', it usually meant giant explosions.

"Alright, this your mother?"

"Ruff!"

Aneko, who was by no means the largest dog they had, was curled up in some blankets with the rest of her litter inside a cage. Upon seeing her lost pup, she immediately jerked her head up, but paused before greeting him. Instead, she carefully studied the two in front of her.

Picking Mao up, Ranma held him out to the older dog. "I found this in an alley, so I'm returnin' 'im, okay?"

For a moment, Aneko simply met Ranma's gaze. Then, abruptly, she huffed and turned her head, dismissing them.

"What the hell d'ya mean ya don't want 'im!?" Ranma lowered her head to eye level and grabbed the cage.

"Growf!"

"There ain't nothin' wrong with 'im you-"

"Growf gruff!"

Ranma reeled back. "_Me_!? Listen here you mangy fur ball, all I did was find 'im an' drag 'im back! That's it! If he ran away, it's cuz you suck at looking aft-"

"Growf gruff gr-rowf. Grrow."

"You take that back! He'll be the best damn tracker you ever seen! I'll make sure of it!"

"Gruff."

"W-what? Okay? Waddaya mean okay!?"

"Gruff." At that, Aneko leaned forward to where Mao was pressing against the cage and gave his nose a lick. "Growf."

"Ruff!"

For a moment, Ranma sat there, stunned. "You tricked me? You tricked me! God dammit!" Falling back, she gazed helplessly at Tsume, then heaved a sigh. "Dammit. . . Feh, I guess that means I'm stuck with him. Now what?"

Tsume pretended to look thoughtful. "Well, there are a few things we can do. We can't just let clan secrets get away from us. The easiest thing would be-"

"I ain't marryin' anybody. Forget it."

"What?" Tsume hadn't any intention of bringing that up yet. How had she. . .

"Just sayin'. You got the same look in your eye pops used ta have. Right before he'd sell me ta somebody."

That was an unpleasant revelation. It also confirmed what Hana had picked up on before. Hana gave her mother a hard look.

Tsume may have been tough, but she wasn't heartless. She decided to go about her plan a little more delicately. Maybe wait an extra day before she paraded some boys around. "Actually, I was thinking of hiring you here. You did a pretty good job on the- on Risu, and we always need more help than we can get. That way we can keep an eye on each other, make sure everybody is doing what they need to. Ninken need a lot of specialized care and instruction, which we know how to give. I'll even pay you if you do a good job."

Ranma was still suspicious, but she gave the offer consideration. "So, wait, in exchange for takin' care a' Risu, you're gonna give me a job? That . . . ain't bad I guess, but you saw before. Things don't go easy when ya put me in the same room as animals. I don't wanna get blamed for it."

"Don't worry, you'll always be working with someone. Hana here takes shifts when she isn't at the hospital or on missions."

Hana hardened her glare. Technically, she was on loan to the hospital from the Inuzuka, and they had the right to call her back short of an emergency. Apparently, Tsume expected Hana to help in her crazy human breeding program. This had better be worth it.

"Waddaya want me ta do, anyway? Clean? I ain't never worked at a vets before."

"Why don't you come by tomorrow. Hana's working a shift that morning, so she can show you the ropes."

No, no she did not have a shift tomorrow. Sighing, Hana gave in to the inevitable. If she was going to be trapped here for the foreseeable future, she might as well try to unravel the mystery she'd unwittingly stumbled over. "You seem to know your way around a broken leg. Maybe you could tell me about any medical experience you have?"

"Eh? Experience?" Ranma fiddled with her pigtail. How much information should she give? Perhaps she could just list off some of her past injuries? People here had to deal with this sort of thing without doctors and hospitals all the time, so it shouldn't be that weird. There was no need for her to say _how_ she got them, after all. "Well . . . I ain't no doctor or nothin', but I'm pretty used ta dealin' with stuff on the road. Lessee, been burned plenty a' times. Mauled by wolves n' bears more'n I like ta 'member. Poison a' course, but I ain't real familiar with the ones 'round here yet. An', uh, whatsit called. When ya ain't eaten anything for a while?

"Malnutrition?"

"Right, that. Oh, an' I've had pretty much every bone in my body broken before. Does any a' that count?"

Every. . . "Wait, every bone? Your spine?"

"Yeah, that one can be a pain in the ass ta deal with. It usually heals a lot faster, though."

Spinal injuries were more than a 'pain in the ass'; they were deadly wounds that even most ninja never recovered from. Only the most skilled of medical nin such as Lady Tsunade herself could claim more successes than failures. "How-" Hana nibbled her lip, thinking furiously. "Could you apply any of this knowledge to treating others? Like with Risu's wound?"

Ranma thought that over. "Maybe? I told ya, I ain't a doctor. Risu just had a little broken leg. No poison or nothin'. All I had ta do was poke 'em back inta place."

"Poke-" Had Hana encountered an injury like this in surgery, she likely would have at least considered amputation, especially if the bones didn't show signs of healing properly afterward, and Ranma had just. . . poked them back together? As if it was nothing? The more Hana learned, the more sure she was of her initial assessment. This girl had to have a bloodline of some sort. If they could train her. . . "How about this, we have several books on medicine we can lend you. Why don't I give you one to start with tonight, and you can skim through it. Since I'm here so much," She leveled a disgruntled look at her mother. "I can answer any questions you have." Ranma suddenly looked suspicious again.

"Are you sure ya ain't tryin' ta marry me off?"

Tsume barked a laugh and slapped Ranma's back, sending her sprawling. "Hah! What an imagination! Relax kid, we don't bite."

"Ugh." Giving Ranma a hand up, Hana made to distance herself from her mother's crazy scheme. "I can honestly say that _I_ have no intention of forcing you to do anything you don't want. Including that." Tsume was frowning at her now. Well, too bad. Training up Ranma's obvious potential was one thing, but Hana would be damned before she gave up such an innocent to the wolves. In fact, "Tell you what, if anyone tries anything, just get me and I'll make them leave you alone, okay?" That seemed to put Ranma more at ease.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to have some more money. Okay, deal. I'll show up first thing tomorrow."

"Right then. Let's just get you that book and you can be on your way."

"Works for me." As Hana led them out of the room, Ranma's stomach rumbled. That reminded her of something rather important, much more so than some book, no matter how useful. "Say, me an' Mao was supposed ta meet with this lady for supper, but she forgot ta tell me where she lived. Neither a' you would know somebody goin' by Madame Shijimi, would ya?" The sound of the two ninja hitting the floor face first startled her out of her musings. "Geez, ya coulda' just said no."

~o0{O}0o~

Fire. She was going to burn up from the inside.

Once again, Sakura Haruno was alone in her room, lying on her bed. This time, though, there was nothing to celebrate. Whatever Ranma sensei had done, it had definitely taken effect. She couldn't survive like this, she knew it. But the only alternative was. . .

"_Argh!_ There _has_ to be something I can do. Alright, _think_ Sakura. This huge forehead has to be useful for something. There's no way I can last long like this. But the only way sensei will help is if I. . . Okay, put it in order. I need sensei to teach me that meditation technique. Sensei wants me to let Naruto take my place. Naruto couldn't act like me to save his life. There's no way I can con sensei, and I won't make it past a week before I'm totally crippled. That leaves Naruto as the weak link. How do I get him to do what I tell him to?" Sakura thought on it for a several minutes, dismissing ideas almost as soon as she considered them.

Maybe some positive reinforcement? Give him something he wanted, then use it as leverage to force some kunoichi training on him, perhaps. Naruto clearly had a crush on her, but, "There's no way I'm dating him." No, she was going about this wrong. What would sensei do if she needed Naruto's attention?

Suddenly, it came to her. It was so obvious, why hadn't she thought of it before? "Heh heheheh ha hahahha!" Sakura couldn't help it. Her giggles took on a maniacal glee as she began planning out Naruto's surprise training regimen for the next few days.

55555

AN:

Aaargh! They deleted all my interrobangs! All gone, *sob* all gone.

Okay, I actually had this one ready about fourteen days after the previous, but several factors led me to delay it, the first being that there is absolutely no action, not even training. If it wasn't obvious before, this and the next chapter should make it absolutely clear that the purpose of this fic is to explore and expand my skills as a fiction writer. Truthfully, I was very surprised when I got so much excellent feedback. I had been expecting only a bunch of "good fic"s and "when update please?"s (no offense to anyone who sent me these, of course. You're fine).

When I said PWP I promise you that wasn't false modesty. Ranma trains team seven just because isn't a plot. Ranma tries to get home could be a plot, sorta, but I never had any intention of doing that. In fact, I hadn't planned on going past the time skip. Once I realized that people really liked this fic I began considering taking it a bit more seriously. Perhaps cutting out the unnecessary bits. That meant pretty much all of this chap and much of the last, including Kakashi's evaluation. Totally unnecessary for a Ranma/team7 fic, no matter how much I liked it. Went back and forth for a while. Then, finally, I said screw it. Yep, screw it. I'll write like I have with my intentions as they have been and anything extra like the puppy or Kakashi will just be fluff.

So what does this mean for you? Practically nothing, really, other than an explanation of what I'm doing here and a slight possibility of a part two fic covering an AU post time skip. It's important to note that I would like to go over this fic after reaching the end and rewrite it some. Besides the fact that I have come up with a possible plot that can't be easily shoehorned in at this point, there are too many discrepancies that I intended to fix later.

For example, does the scene where Ranma uses the Xai Fang Heng Gao seem rather rushed? That's because I wasn't sure yet how to fit it in. I was just going to skip it and add it later, but then you guys went and liked my fic and I didn't want to leave a gaping hole in the story. Then I get questions like, "Why doesn't Sasuke use Sharingan in the evaluation?" Well, the technical explanation is Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah IfergotIfergotIfergotIfergot Ifergot! I'm still not even sure I want to use that so early, since I could just say that it took more than a day to get it to work reliably, especially with no practice, but it does need to be referenced somewhat.

Anyway, if you see something wrong: it could be that I haven't decided; it could be that I forgot; it could be that I just screwed up. Regardless, feel free to call me on it. If I think you wouldn't know a plot hole from a hole in the ground I'll let you know, otherwise you'll have my eternal gratitude (Note: author does not believe in/care about eternity so offer might not be valid in your area).

Secondly, IRL kicked my butt a bit. A death, a birth, and all the annoying stuff that goes with that. Seriously, I very much love my country, but my American family just doesn't do family like the Greek side does. Total. Pain. Sigh, maybe I just got unlucky there.

Third, chap five got corrupted. RIP original Ch5 *tear*. That made me rather depressed and not much in the mood for comedy, which this fic is to a significant degree. Plus side? Worked on some other fics that are more serious/depressing. Downside? One is depressing to the point of being horror. Yay?

To all those (many) reviewers I haven't replied to yet, I apologize. I very much feel that it is polite to respond to someone, but it has been rather hectic on my side so . . . excuses excuses? I promise to get to you as soon as I can, but I do want to be able to write one chap a month(maybe even on this story;) from now on so give me time please. That's it I guess. Down below is the original AN. What's left of it.

Apparently, Mao can mean either true center(boy's name) or dance cherry blossom(girl's name) in Japanese. That's not why I chose it though. Look it up in Chinese if you wanna get the joke. It's first tone, not second, though he is furry, so it works either way, I guess. Three semesters of the language had to be worth something, though I'm horrifically out of practice. No going to China for the foreseeable future. :-( Risu is a bit more straightforward. You only need Japanese to get that one, if you can't guess outright. Even though it's got a U, to an English ear, it sounds more like Reese with that halfway between an R and an L sound they make. Not that it matters. Pronounce it in your head whatever way makes you feel comfortable.


	5. What You Want

"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at

night, and in between he does what he wants to do." - Bob Dylan

Chapter Five

What You Want

day 1 – deer diary i stil dont see wy i hav to rite in this stupid thing. sak- sasuke sez i hav to do that thing sensei told us to do if i dont pretend to be a gurl she sez shes gonna do sum thin looked it up it sez acting with force o e. sak- sasuke shur can be violent sum times. now i hav to study this book on gurly stuff i dont think i can do it. staying at sak- um my house is weerd. mom is nice tho. well anyway i hav a gurlfrend now! i asked hinata and she sed yes! now maybe i can work on turning into a boy agane. oh butt (heh heh) gramps and sensay figerd out that i wuz a gurl sorta.

...

"Naruto."

"Yeah gramps?"

Sarutobi sighed. "What happened to your hair?"

"Oh, that? That was sensei's fault. Isn't it cool?"

"..."

"..."

...

wel maybe not butt it was clos if i dont turn back into a guy agane soon ile go crazy! we got our first mishun today it was lame. we had to dig up weeds from this old womans garden boring! Whatever ile get sum cool mishuns soon and then every body wil see im the gretest ever! i gess ile go to bed now um goodnite I gess

day 2 – uh oh i forgot to study the stuff sasuke sed i had to he sez if i dont no it by tomorow hell do sum thing to make m it. i gess i gotta do it. we got a lame mishun agane today. sasuke and um naruto (weerd) didint mind tho they lookt awful today. maybe theyr coming down with sumthing. i went out with hinata today shes weerd sumtimes she keeps turning red and pasing out for sum reeson maybe shes getting sick to i hope i dont cach it. sins we started doing that henge thing last night nobody looks at me anymore! gramps and sensei thought it was weerd tho

...

"Naruto?"

"Yeah gramps?" This time the response came from an unexpected source.

Sarutobi found himself sighing again that day. "When I told you to change your hair, this is not what I meant."

"You mean this? This is sensei's ide-oof! What was that for Sak- Sasuke?"

"..."

"..."

...

we told them it was for traning butt kakashi sensei kept calling us weerdos. anyway ime tired now so I gess ile say goodnite.

day 3 –

"Hey old man."

"Ah, hey there little lady. Aren't you one of Naruto's friends?"

"What? Oh, right. Yeah, that's me. Sakura. My name. Heh.

"..."

"Anyway, I want a pork ramen please."

"Coming right up... Here you go."

"Alright!" Snap. Reach. Bite. "Aaaaargh!" Spit, Spit, Spit.

"What is it!"

"It tastes awful!"

"What? Let me see that." Sip. "Ugh. I'm sorry miss. I don't know what happened. Here. Have another, on the house."

"Really? Thanks. You're great!" Snap. Reach. Bite. Hissss.

"Uh. Is it supposed to make that sou-" _**Kraboooooooom**_!

...

aaaaaaah! its horubl! i went to get a ramen cuz I was hungry and i bought one but sasuke took a bunch of peper and suger and salt and i coodnt eet it so i got more but then he took a bunch of tags and put them in my ramen and i coodnt get them out and they exploded AND IT WAS _**RUINED**_! i dint no the stuff i was suposed to no and sasuke was mad and sez i wont get any more until i no the stuff i hav to no i askt mom if i cood hav sum but she sed i sed i was on a diut but i didnt say that but she sed i sed i wood say that but that i sed i wasnt alowd to hav any no matter how much i asked and wat am i gonna do i dont no! wy does everybody got to pick on my favrit food like that its not fare! i think your my only friend maybe cuz you lisen. you no I shood giv you a name to. . . . . . i think ile call you kits cuz of the fox i drew on your cover. I gotta go study now kits so ile talk to you tomorow.

day 4 – aw man kits i still cant get any ramen sasuke is a reel jerk. ime starting to feel weerd to maybe ime coming down with sumthing like sasuke and naruto. is this wat hapens wen you dont eet ramen? ive never not eeten ramen before for so long. sasuke sed ime a freek cuz it took so long. she sed its like ime going thro s. I just looked it up it sez th (a bunch of stuff that makes sumthing) of often painful physical an (thinking stuff) (just syndrome spelled different cuz i gess there jerks) that follow (stopping sumthing geez this is a pain) of an addicting substance. no! i dont want withdrawals! i just want to eet ramen agane! i dont no wat to do kits. maybe ile feel beter tomorow. nitenite kits.

day 5 – to sick gonna sleep

day 6 – oh man kits i feel teribl. sorry i missed you. gramps made us stop taking mishuns yesterday cuz we wernt feeling well.

...

"Kakashi?"

"Yes, Hokage?"

"_What_ is wrong with your students?"

"My students? Hmm... They're sick with something."

"...All three."

"Yes, Hokage."

"At once."

"Yes, Hokage."

"...Perhaps we should discuss your teaching methods later, Kakashi."

Sigh. "Yes, Hokage."

...

i feel like sumone set my stomak on fire. mom has been reely nice tho she keeps giving me soop its not ramen butt its still good. sasuke made me practis all day tho. were suposed to meet later so we can find ranma sensay. i gess they reely want to trane. i was just stoping to say hi in case i died before i got back. i think maybe i can sneek around sasuke and get sum ramen wen he isnt looking. i just gotta find him first. Gotta go later kits.

~o0{O}0o~

The smells wafting from the Ichiraku Ramen Bar were pleasant enough to bring a smile and warm feelings to anyone passing by. A true aficionado of the dish couldn't help but stop for a helping. To a young genin suffering from self diagnosed ramen withdrawals, it was a hellish torment.

Slouching against a wall, a pink haired girl with a weary face stood in shadows underneath the awnings across from Ichiraku. Slowly raking her eyes across the busy streets, she would occasionally fixate on the bar for a few somehow desperate minutes, before returning to her watchful slouch. She stayed like that for quite some time, each pass over the streets becoming shorter, each yearning look toward the bar lasting longer, until finally her gaze lay unblinking on it.

"Um, S-Sakura? Are- Are you okay? Do you, would you like me to do something?"

Starting from his absorption, Naruto turned to find Hinata standing with a rather worried look on her face. "Oh. Hey, Hinata. Na- No. I'm fine." Watching and correcting his speech all day was annoying, but so far the alternative was worse. Sakura had begun threatening to go beyond ruining his ramen to actually buying and eating it while he was forced to watch.

"Oh." Hinata shuffled her feet a bit, looking slightly forlorn.

Had he done something wrong again? She asked if he was okay and he said- wait, no. She asked if she could do something. How did Sakura's rants go again? Girls like to do stuff for guys 'cause it makes them feel good and stuff? That still seemed weird, but maybe things were just supposed to work differently when you dated. Besides, he needed all the help he could get.

"Um, maybe I could use some help?" Hinata seemed to perk up. Huh. "Well, you remember about," Naruto looked about, then leaned forward. "you know, the henge training we're doing."

Hinata nodded, and again thanked her stars that the Sakura henge Naruto was using allowed her some small measure of coherency around him. He was every bit as much fun as she had imagined. Naruto's sensei may have been uncommonly cruel, but there were certain side benefits, not the least of which was...

Naruto barely noticed Hinata's face turn red. While it had concerned him at first, he'd quickly learned it was just the way she was. "Sasuke still won't let me eat any ramen. I'm trying to figure out where he's hiding so I can sneak past him. Maybe you could help me find him?"

"D-do you mean, that Sasuke..?" Hinata pointed down the street, behind Naruto.

Sure enough, as Naruto turned, he saw Sakura, Sasuke illusion in place, painfully making her way down the street towards the bar. From the way her head was angled, she clearly had noticed them.

"Or that Sasuke?" Again she pointed, this time at the stools at Ichiraku, where a blond figure was perched atop one.

"H-how the hell did I miss that!?" Naruto's earlier gusto, already flagging, completely deflated, leaving him slumped in a defeated pose.

Hinata giggled at his overblown antics. "Um, m-maybe you were distracted by something else? Yuhi sensei says you have to- to always keep your mind focused on your mission. What were you thinking about?"

Naruto's stomach chose then to interject itself into the conversation, causing him to sheepishly rub his head and Hinata to clasp her mouth with both hands to keep from giggling too loudly. "Aw man, but that means I can't sneak any ramen now."

"Ah, maybe..." Hinata paused, her natural reticence coming forth once more.

"Yeah?"

"Well, m-maybe I could... Sakura wants you to pretend to be h-her?"

Naruto winced. "I wouldn't say she wants me to. But we gotta anyway."

Absently, Hinata corrected, "But we have to."

"Eh? What?"

"Eep! Ah, n-never mind. I- I could have an idea, um, if you want me to that i-"

"_Yes! _I'll do anything!" Naruto wasn't one for halves.

"O-okay. Um, just wait here. I'll go see."

"Go see what?"

But Hinata was already on her way, a determined look on her face. Naruto watched as she intercepted Sakura a little ways from Ichiraku's and proceeded to say... something. Whatever it was, it seemed to annoy Sakura who tried to brush the other girl off. Before she could, Hinata said something else which caused her to pause. A few more exchanges and she finally shrugged and nodded, then continued towards a seat. Hinata returned, a triumphant smile on her face.

"What was that all about?"

Immediately, Hinata's smile turned shy. "Mm, w-well, I asked Sasuke if- if he would let you eat ramen." Naruto's eyes turned round. "He said he wouldn't. But! B-but," Hinata hastened to correct her mistake; Naruto looked so forlorn. "if you had, um, help, in pretending I mean, it would be okay."

Naruto gave her a hopeless look. "Help? Where am I gonna find that?"

Hinata fidgeted, playing with her fingers as she looked down. "Um, well, I... I wouldn't mind." Before she knew it, she'd been grabbed by the shoulders and was looking deep into eyes that briefly flashed blue before returning to a green hue.

"Really?" Naruto's question literally came out a squeak.

Hinata could only nod, lest her answer come out the same way.

"You're gonna help me turn back into a guy _and_ get ramen? You're the best girlfriend ever! Way better than Sakura!"

A week of near constant exposure to Naruto's outbursts was the only thing keeping her from fainting when he enveloped her in a hug. "Y-you're welcome?"

"Yeah! This calls for a celebration. C'mon 'Nata, I'll treat you. Plus, I gotta make that bastard fix my hair."

"Need t-to. You- you mean you need to talk to Sasuke." At her correction, Sakura's face broke out into a wide, sunny smile, a look that was quickly becoming Hinata's favorite, no matter who was wearing it.

"Exactly. Hey, since we're gonna-" Hinata winced. "'going to be' busy, why don't we go home so you can show me stuff?"

"I- I can k-keep you company. I don't, um, mind. B-but, what about your friends?"

"No no, that's what the shadow clones are for! You've figured it out right?"

"Wha-? Y-yes, b-but I can't use it. It- it takes too much chakra and, and-"

"Don't worry about that. You'll use mine. Here." Naruto placed both hands on what she knew to be major concentrations of tenketsu on her back.

"Your-yours? But what about-" Before she could finish, an intense wave of heat began to flood her system, nearly causing her to fall over. It felt terrible and wonderful at the same time. For a short moment, she was connected to Naruto's chakra. An ocean! It was so much! How could one person have so much? Quickly, it flooded her system to capacity, then kept on going. She was going to burst. "A-ah! N-Naruto, stop!"

Immediately he took his hands off and watched, agape, as she began hopping and dancing around as if she had been possessed.

Hinata knew it was just a small amount of what Naruto had available, but what she'd received was enough to more than double her own reserves. If she didn't use it soon, it would rupture her pathways. Was this how Naruto always felt? No _wonder_ he was so... so _hyper_.

Quickly running through the seals Naruto had taught her, she shoved as much chakra as she possibly could into the jutsu and released. With a dramatic puff of smoke, there before her was an exact duplicate. Hinata stared in shock before staggering a bit, her chakra levels a good deal lower than they should have been.

Leaping forward, Naruto grabbed her, concern welling up. "Aw man, I didn't know it would do that. You okay Hinata?"

"I-I'm fine." The response in duplicate caused all three to blink.

"Uh, right. Two of you. Okay! Now it's my turn!" Wasting no time, Naruto immediately created a Sakura clone.

Right away the clone began glaring. "Hey! How come you two get to eat ramen and we have to study?"

"Because we're the real ones you idiot!"

The clone took that with about as much grace as could be expected, but then her sullen look became sly. "Hah! Come on Hinata, we've got better things to do, and I know just the thing."

"Oy, you better not slack off!"

The clone's only reply was a protruding tongue and a slap on her butt before it grabbed the Hinata clone's hand and took off.

"Geez, stupid clones sure have been acting weird. Ah well, I'll figure it out later. And hey, now we get to spend twice as much time together! That's great!"

"T-_twice_?" Hinata wasn't sure she could handle that much exposure, henge or no.

"Yeah, bet we'll learn all sorts of new things. Our clones knows everything we do so we can teach each other even when we're busy. Come on, we're wasting time. I'm starving."

"Ah, o-okay." Hinata still wasn't quite up on exactly how the shadow clone technique worked, but she trusted Naruto.

As Naruto rushed them toward his waiting meal, he had one last thought. "But man, Hinata. I didn't know you could dance like that."

"Eep!"

~o0(O)0o~

For the fifth time in the past few days, Sasuke found herself sitting on a stool at Ichiraku's cogitating on her situation. The past week had been miserable, betrayed by her body as she had been. Muscles screaming. Chakra overflowing, demanding to be used at all hours. Bloodshot, sleep deprived eyes belying her otherwise perfect Naruto henge. Now that she had finally managed to master her Sharingan with its two tomoe she actually found it more troublesome to turn off. She had to wear sunglasses just to keep from breaking the illusion.

It hadn't helped that nearly every adult she'd run into while under the illusion had been hostile to some degree. It was bizarre to know that Naruto was just that annoying. And now she couldn't even rely on missions, no matter how inane, to take her mind off her troubles. She nodded to Sakura as her teammate sat next to her.

While she had been masquerading as Naruto all week, it hadn't been until their forced sick leave that she started taking her pretense more seriously. It turned out Naruto's persona was simple enough to distill: pranks; idiocy; volume; ramen. The first two weren't happening, even if she had known where to start. Naruto would just have to suffer an improved reputation. Increasing her volume had meant a simple jutsu. No problem. That left one thing. Ramen. It was in pursuit of this final... virtue that Sasuke stumbled upon the highlight of her week and, if she was honest, the last several years.

"Here you go Naruto. Now you eat all of this okay? Papa and I can't have our favorite customer ill. We'd never forgive ourselves." Ayame, the daughter of and waitress for the proprietor of Ichiraku's, fussed over the young nin as Sasuke accepted the meal with thanks. She managed to pull her illusion's face into a wide grin, but couldn't dredge up the will to fake Naruto's vociferations as well. Still, underneath she couldn't but help a small smile.

Sasuke was about as certain as she could be that Ayame and her father knew her team had switched places with each other. How could they not with Naruto and Sakura carrying on like they did? Somehow though, she couldn't bring herself to drop her own act and dissuade the older girl from continuing her ministrations. It was... nice to have someone care for her again. Besides, the ramen was excellent.

"Oh my!"

Sasuke halted her musings to see Ayame looking over her shoulder. Turning around, she found Naruto, his new girlfriend in tow, looking like death warmed over through his henge. _Finally_. Sasuke grumbled to herself at the unfairness of life. Naruto's ridiculous stamina had to be a bloodline of some sort. No-one was that resilient otherwise. Still, that half crazed look didn't bode well.

Ayame gave Naruto a concerned look. "Oh you poor dear. You look terrible. Is your sensei still making you do that awful training? I can't believe how hard they make you work."

"Now now, Ayame," Teuchi chose then to break in. "That's just how ninja life is. No need to discourage her."

"But father, ruining good food, our food, just for training? That's barbaric!" Sakura was looking uncomfortable.

"Hah, you've got me there. Still, ninja life is perilous. What do you say little lady? Feel like trying your luck again today?"

Naruto's response was immediate. "Yes! I mean, yes please. A pork ramen." The twin glares from his teammates plus the stuttering fit from behind him let him know in no uncertain terms that he had little room for error.

Teuchi at least seemed pleased with her answer. "Good enthusiasm! You're quickly becoming our second best customer."

"After Naruto of course." Ayame gave Sasuke a small smile, which she returned.

Relaxing her tense and achy muscles, Sasuke went back to ignoring the goings on around her for her meal. Setting about demolishing it in as similar a manner to Naruto as she could tolerate, she thought further on her team's situation.

Naruto and Sakura had at least been making the effort to follow Ranma sensei's directions, no matter how pathetic the former's was... Perhaps that was unfair. The dumb-ass had proven to be clever when he put his mind to it. And pretending to be Sakura was clearly a nightmare. Sasuke's only directive to Sakura had been to stop talking, whereas Naruto had to deal with aping a lovesick harpy. Still better than having to mimic a clueless moron but-

Sasuke shuddered, then gave a wan smile in response to Ayame's worried inquiries. Okay, perhaps her job wasn't nearly as bad. Or as funny. Watching Naruto deal with his predicament had been amusing. Oddly relaxing as well.

Another plus was Sakura's attention had been driven completely off herself, and the henge made it unlikely to return anytime soon. A boon she wouldn't be taking for granted. It was then Sasuke heard the only other voice that could make her cringe in annoyance.

"Sa-suk-e!"

Ino. While not normally as bad as her counterpart, the reprieve from fan-girls had been too nice to have to give it up so soon. Knowing that Ino was far more grabby than Sakura, Sasuke braced herself... and watched, flabbergasted, as a blonde streak collided with Sakura. Ah. Right. Henge. It was all she could do not to burst out laughing as the dumbfounded look on Sakura's face twisted into one of pure horror. As Sakura opened her mouth to protest, Sasuke knew the girl was about to mess everything up. Couldn't have that happening.

"Get off me Ino p-ah!"

A chopstick bounced off her forehead and skittered across the ground before coming to rest back at Sasuke's feet. That should take care of that problem.

"Naruto! Eat like a human being you idiot! What if you'd put someone's eye out?"

Ino was clearly incensed at her. That was new. While normally being insulted would leave her seething, this development was strangely refreshing.

Ino turned back to Sakura. It was then she noticed her state through the illusion. "Oh my god! Sasuke! What happened to you? You- are you alright? Your eyes are- and your body feels a little different somehow."

Having gotten the message, Sakura responded in as similar a manner to Sasuke as she could. "Hnn. It's fine. Leave it."

She sounded almost as annoyed as Sasuke would have been. Having her body mistaken for a boy's, no matter if that was the point, was apparently not something she wanted to hear.

Ino, however, wasn't going to listen to Sakura's gruff dismissal. "No, it isn't fine. How in the world could you let Sasuke get in this state Sakura? What is wrong with you?"

Naruto, for his part, looked completely clueless. "Heh?"

"It's your job as his teammate to look after him and- holy... What- You look terrible! Are you..." She nibbled her lip, then leaned forward and whispered, "on your period?"

Period? How did Ino know he was doing grammar homework?

While Naruto puzzled over Ino's question, Hinata paled. She knew very well what Ino was talking about. But Naruto... didn't. Naruto didn't, and didn't have anyone to explain it to him. Didn't have anyone to explain it, except for... her. Oh.

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Hinata tumbled from her seat. With alacrity that took Ino completely off guard, Naruto leaped forward and grabbed the falling girl before she hit the ground. "Are you okay? Geez, you're a lot clumsier today for some reason."

Ino suddenly turned indignant. "_Honestly_. You're fine aren't you? Is this some desperate ploy to get Sasuke to pity you? Because it's so far beneath him it's pathetic. And why are you hanging onto Hinata like that?"

Relieved to have a question he could understand, Naruto answered honestly. "Hinata? She's my girlfriend, of course." Perhaps too honestly.

For a moment there was silence. Then, "Oh my! Ninja these days are so, _modern."_

"S-Sakura..." It was far too late for Hinata to save Naruto. She had barely been hanging onto consciousness as it was.

"Yeah? Yes? Did I... say something wrong?"

It was too late. Hinata was out. Her realization combined with being 'outed' was simply too much for her.

Taking a moment to consider the new wrinkle in the plan, Sakura drew in a long breath. Then her face turned purple. Naruto would _die._ She was going to **murder him to **_**death**_**.** If she failed in strangulating him first, then from a thousand explosive notes shoved down his throat. Regardless, he would never. Eat. _Again_.

At that point Sasuke hunched over her meal, her shoulders shaking. Ayame rushed over to make sure she was okay.

Ino, for her part, was reeling, her mind feverishly trying to make sense of it all. A... a girlfriend? How could that happen? What was Sakura thinking? Was she thinking?

Finally, glancing over at Sasuke and seeing the fiercest scowl she'd ever seen on his face, she came to the only possible explanation. An explanation that could only be... only be the most devious thing she'd ever heard! How could Sakura do this? Using poor Hinata like that to play with Sasuke's feelings!

More importantly, how was Ino to catch up? There was only one thing to do. Use what she'd learned and _lie_."I- I have a girlfriend too!" That brought everyone up short. At their incredulous stares, Ino rushed to defend herself. "I do! Her- her name is Ranma!"

"Hbttt-krkrkrkre hwa-?"

Jerking their heads towards the strangled cry, they found a familiar red head choking on her ramen. Ranma. She was staring back at them with a look of disbelief. Their own reactions were equally unbelieving. Ino turned bright red and Sakura and Naruto looked on in shock, speechless. Sasuke on the other hand simply grit her teeth, all traces of humor gone. Their sensei had been right by them for who knew how long, and they only noticed her due to a random accident.

No! That was the only thought going through Ino's head. "I... I... Please excuse me!" Her face flaming, eyes tearing, she ran off.

"Hey, wait! What was... ah crap." Now Ranma was doubly flummoxed. Slowly, she turned back to her bewildered students.

Silence.

"S-sensei?"

"...So-o, how you guys been?"

"Sensei!"

~o0{O}0o~

Deep in the forest of training ground forty-four, four figures dashed through the trees.

"Sensei, where are we going? We're not... we're not going back _there_ are we?" The possible answers to that made even Naruto and Sasuke uncomfortable. Going back in to that forest was bad enough, but right into the lair? Again?

"Nah." For a moment they relaxed. "We're going in further." Apparently, that was not what they wanted to hear. Better explain things then.

"Why do you think there's this huge forest with so many freaky monsters right next to your normal little town?"

The question left them confused for a moment. That was an excellent question. Such a dangerous place surely hadn't escaped the notice of the Hokage. Suddenly, Naruto had it. "I know! Gramps is too lazy to clean up after himself!"

His answer nearly had the others careening into trees. "_Idiot_." Sasuke was especially peeved. "That's not what it is." For a moment, she had almost considered it.

"Ah, right." Perhaps Ranma would have to do something about 'Ruto's tendency to come to bizarre conclusions. A talk or something.

"Training."

"Hmm?" Ranma turned to Sakura.

"It's used for training isn't it? For chuunin probably."

"That's pretty close. They use it for genin who want ta become chuunin. Twice a year they give you guys an exam. If ya pass, you get promoted. Part a' the test is held here. An' here's where we're gonna train till ya know the place like the back a' your hand. An' here we are."

Stopping, they looked around to find themselves at the banks of a stream. Several rocks jutted out, making a path across. Other than that, there was nothing to set it apart.

Frankly, Sakura didn't care about her surroundings, ninja training be damned. What she wanted to know was where the _hell_ their sensei had been the past- was that a puppy? Poking out from their sensei's jacket? "What- what is that?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean Mao? He's a ninken. Don't worry. He's a friend."

That was _not_ what concerned her. "You're stealing ninja companions now?" Sakura was halfway to crying.

Ranma took exception to her accusation. "Dammit, that ain't what happened! They forced me ta take 'im. I didn't have a choice! They even conned me inta working this job playing nurse to a bunch a' ungrateful mutts. 'Sides, it ain't like you've been taking my training seriously till just a couple days ago. What have you even learned?" Saotome Secret Technique: Verbal Riposte!

Uzumaki Triple Counter! "Hey! What are we supposed to learn from you hiding all the time!?"

Sasuke chose then to break in. "Enough. Focusing too much on one sense can leave you blind and vulnerable."

They all paused to consider that, Ranma especially. "Huh. Yeah, I guess that works." Probably shouldn't mention that she had just been hungry and stopped for a quick bite. She had barely even noticed them until her name had been called. And now they were glaring at her. Crap. "Said that out loud didn't I?" A small bark answered in the affirmative.

"Sensei!"

Heaving a sigh, Sasuke made to calm her incensed comrades. "It doesn't matter."

"But Sasuke, she's being totally irresponsible." Why couldn't they get normal teachers like everyone else?

"Whining won't change anything. We've done what she's asked. Now it's time to get what was promised. Correct?"

Ranma waved her hand dismissively. "Sure sure. But first we gotta go over some stuff."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "What 'stuff'?"

"Nothin' much. Just need ta check an' see if my ideas worked like I thought they would." Reaching into her pocket, Ranma pulled out a few slips of paper.

Sakura recognized the small slips immediately. "Chakra paper? Sensei, we already did this test in school. I'm earth, Sasuke is fire and lightning because of his super cool bloodline-"

Perking up at the interesting terms, Naruto interjected, "Hey, hey, what am I?"

"How the hell should I know, you idiot? You probably skipped that day. That's not the point. Other than Naruto, we don't need this."

"Really?" Ranma seemed amused. "I guess since ya don't need me I'll just go th-" Before she could finish, the paper in her hand vanished. She smirked. "Alright then. One at a time. Sas, you go first."

Eying it with a look that screamed suspicion, Sasuke channeled a scant amount of chakra into the paper. Instantly it disintegrated in a tower of fire. Dancing back in surprise, she nearly lost control and started cursing. Taking a moment to gather herself, she murmured, "That was... different then last time. Stronger."

Lacking in spirit though she might have been, Sakura couldn't pass an opportunity to fan-girl. "That must mean _you're_ getting stronger, Sasuke. You'll be a jounin in no time at this rate."

Grunting noncommittally, Sasuke turned a curious eye to the paper Sakura was holding.

"Pinky? Your turn."

Scowling, Sakura quickly pumped chakra into it. For a moment, it glowed brightly, then it too burst in flames, though not quite as spectacularly. "W-what? That- that's impossible. I- I'm earth." She turned on Ranma. "How did you... you can't just switch types like that. It's-" Her eyes widened and she whispered, "Land of... Fire?"

Ranma looked insufferably pleased. "Yep. Your chakra is-"

**Bang**! Everyone looked up to find Naruto, impatience incarnate, cradling his hand and dancing in pain. No vestiges of a flame could be seen, but it was obvious he had burned himself.

"An' that's what happens when you get air and fire and put 'em together."

Sakura raised her hand. "Sensei, how do you know it was air?"

"Uzumaki clan are always air." At her wondering look, he chided her. "Still ain't figured it out yet? Feh, you had a whole week and you ain't even got that far." Sakura jutted her chin out stubbornly, but Ranma only widened her smirk.

"What the hell was that!" It seemed Naruto had recovered.

"Told ya. Fire and air. Mostly air if I had to guess. Wanted to wait longer, but..." Ranma shrugged. "Eh, whatever. You guys had your natural types, and I just added the extra fire ki. Sucks, right?" She grinned at their indignant expressions.

"Alright!" She clapped her hands together. "Time ta get ta business. If you guys wanna get rid of your little problem, ya gotta learn about the seven chakra, and I don't mean chakra like you learned in school."

"What do you mean?" Ranma had Sasuke's undivided attention.

"Where I come from, chakra means somethin' different. They're these little whorls of energy in your ki self. 'Round here they call 'em gates, near as I can tell."

Quick as ever, Sakura picked up the essentials. "Wait, gates? The eight gates? I know this. But... you said seven?"

"That's 'cause they are just seven, not eight. The eighth is really just- well, let's go through 'em." Waving Sakura forward, Ranma reached out and touched the top of her head. "This is the crown chakra. You guys call it the open gate. It's where the ki starts ta flow in. Sends it to the muscles and such.

This is the one I opened up a little, so it's why you're feeling so crappy, but it's also why you've got so much energy. Why you can't sleep as much, but still can do the henge for so long. It ain't open all the way yet, but it's gettin' there."

She moved her hand and tapped Sakura's forehead. "Brow chakra, the healing or energy gate. Also called the third eye. It actually curves out from the crown chakra instead of continuin' on ta the next. This one is important. It'll let ya see natural ki, feel out intentions, do all sorts a' stuff without thinkin' 'bout it. We need to get ta this one fast. Faster the better. It'll be the one that lets ya control the flow of energy in your body. You'll need ta be able to get around that whole polluted ki thing first though." At their hungry looks Ranma raised her hands. "Which we'll get to in a second here."

She moved on quickly, pointing out each chakra as she said them. "Throat, life gate. Heart, pain gate. Stomach, limit gate. Hips, view gate. Root, wonder gate. Root curves out forward a bit too. That curve on the root and the third eye are important ta remember. This is where the eighth gate, the death gate, comes in."

Turning, Ranma hopped out onto the rocks in the middle of the stream. "Alright, think of it like this. Water flows down from mountains down to the sea, right?" At their nods she continued. "So how does the water get ta the top of the mountain?"

As always, Sakura had the answer. "Evaporation, condensation, and precipitation." She paused." Are you saying that the eighth gate is just taking the end of these chakra, the gates, and looping it around?"

Ranma was pleased. "Exactly. The third eye ain't part of the stream, but it pulls the ki from the base back up to the crown. In you the crown and brow chakra was completely closed off, and the others were just squeakin' by. And there wasn't any loop; you're just wasting it. In me, these chakra're open full blast all the time. I've got to use my third eye ta purify the ki, but you three'll hafta do it different till we can wake it up safely. If you were ta let that polluted ki circulate... well, they called that gate right. Ya'd get some pretty good benefits for a bit, then keel over."

Demonstration time. Lifting up a piece of her own chakra paper, Ranma held it out where they could clearly see. "This's what happens when you use just ki." For a moment, the paper glowed a barely noticeable amount. Then it began to shift. Slowly, delicately, wooden tendrils began to emerge from the paper, tentatively stretching about as if searching for something. A bit of mist from the stream hit them and they stilled.

The paper exploded in a flurry of movement. Dozens of tendrils reaching down and outward engulfed Ranma's hand, then her arm. Even before they reached the water they had all but swallowed her. Diligently, they set about digging down, taking root, forcing the river to split in twain. The trunk, and it was now a trunk, doubled and tripled in size, enormous limbs shooting out, grasping, forcing the genin back. Like colossal arms they began to gouge great trenches of earth from the banks, heaving them up and around its base until a small island protected it from the water's onslaught. Then it shot upwards, reaching for the sky, branches and foliage growing apace, blocking the sunlight from view.

As suddenly as it started, all was still. In mere moments before their awestricken eyes, a monstrous tree, easily the match of any other in this godforsaken forest, now stood.

And their sensei was gone. Before any reaction could take place, they heard a creaking noise coming from within the tree. A crack appeared, followed by a hand bursting forth. The crack rapidly grew to the length of a person, then exploded. Dull shrapnel stung their skin and forced them to cover their eyes. When they looked again there Ranma stood, none the worse for wear.

"Dammit. Forgot that stuff's stronger than the regular plants 'round here. Sorry 'bout that Mao."

"Hnn." Mao chose to jump down, sullenly swimming to shore.

Ranma followed after, leaping across. She began brushing herself off, paying no heed as the damage she'd wrought behind her was quickly healed.

Sakura, her curiosity urging her on, was the first to speak, her voice a whisper. "W-wood release? No. Something... ki?"

Ranma nodded her head. "Pure ki is like pure chakra, but it's a thousand times more potent. It's the life of the whole world you're usin'." She continued dusting herself off as if she hadn't just blown their minds. "It ain't as easy ta control and it responds more to your emotions than intelligence. Whatever you feel's gonna have a major impact on how your ki responds. You'll hafta work on emotional control if ya want any a' this to work right for ya."

"Wait." The talk of driving techniques with emotions sparked Sakura's memory. "Moko... Moko Takabisha?"

"Yep. Ki fueled by pride. My own invention. The original was... well, it didn't work so well. Still ain't completely perfected it, now that I think about it."

Sakura wasn't completely satisfied. "Wait. That, I'll just call it wood release. You can teach me _that_?" Her eyes were practically sparkling.

Ranma chuckled. "Yeah, sure. I ain't an expert at it or nothin', but I can get ya started."

"As interesting as all this is, how does it help us? We can't use this third eye." Awestruck as she had been, Sasuke was impatient with no clear way forward.

"Hmm, near as I can figure, there are three ways of dealin' with it. First is just for me ta keep purifying it for ya. Not too keen on that idea, honestly."

The three nodded their heads. The less time spent with their crazy sensei the better.

"Heh, thought so. Second way's your best bet. Making fire chakra means molding it till ya get the right mix. If ya just reverse that, you get what ya need."

"Just... just reverse it? How do we do that?" Sakura had to fight incredulity just to get out her question.

Ranma leaned forward. "Not a clue."

"...Sensei, you aren't funny."

"Heh heh, if you say so. But I think we can figure it out. Shouldn't take more'n a few months."

"Months!? No way!"

"Unacceptable."

"Not a chance! Believe it!"

Taking in her students' consternation, Ranma decided it was time to lay the bait. "Well, there is the third way."

The cat'n canary look Ranma sported sent warning bells through their brains, daring them to ask. Whatever the answer was, it would _not_ end well. Sasuke found more and more that hypervigilance was necessary when in the presence of their teacher. Then again, Sasuke was wary, but the idea of taking months was unpleasant at the least. "What does this... third way entail?"

"Well, after I first got here, I did some poking around, looking for a way home and such. Found all sorts a' interesting things. You know there's a clan here that gets their power by eating till they're fat?" At the glares sent her way, Ranma decided to get to the point. "Anyway, there's this clan with a technique that lets you take your chakra and put it into somebody's head. You can read minds, talk telepathically, even take over another person's body. Real freaky stuff.

This all sounded eerily familiar to Sakura. Hadn't there been a classmate... "Wait a minute. You _stole_ Yamanaka clan secrets?"

"Yep. Why?"

Ranma's nonchalance did nothing to ease Sakura's anxieties. First ninken, now prized techniques? "We're gonna get branded traitors for sure." She slumped to the ground.

"Ah, don't worry so much. You'll be fine."

Sakura wasn't so sure about that, but she had come this far. And she really wanted that wood release. Who didn't consider the first Hokage a personal hero? "How are we supposed to use these techniques?"

"You're not. I am." They all gave her questioning looks. "Heh, it's simple. I'll gather my ki, focus on how to use the third eye and maybe some other techniques, then use the jutsu on you. It'll probably knock you out, so while you're down I'll open up gate number two. You wake up feeling fresh and ready ta go."

"And- and that will work?"

"Eh, maybe."

"Maybe!?"

"Using ki to do your tricks with chakra ain't easy. They either don't work, get overblown like your chakra paper, or they warp in funny ways. I've mostly been using it ta make sentries fall asleep when I need ta get in someplace locked up. Never used it this way, so I can't promise it won't backfire somehow. Still, which'd you rather do, months a' meditatin', or a few hours a' me showin' you how ta do it from inside?" Ranma leaned back against the tree, apparently satisfied with her argument.

"But, b-but..."

"I'll do it."

"Sasuke-e." Sakura was outright whining now.

"You two do what you like, but I'll do it."

"Hey you bastard! You won't leave me behind! I'll do it too!" Naruto hadn't completely understood the explanations, but he knew a challenge when he heard one.

"Well Pinky? You're last one out. What's it gonna be?"

Seeing the hopeful look on Naruto and the expectant ones on Ranma and Sasuke, Sakura knew she had no recourse. "Ugh, this is going to be a disaster. Fine. I'll do it."

"Yes! I knew you'd come around Sakura!" Naruto was back to his normal happy go lucky self.

"Please. For once listen to me, Naruto. Be. Quiet. Let's just... get this over with."

"Hnn."

"Yeah! Oh. I mean, yeah."

Ranma was only too happy to oblige them. "Lie down. Get comfortable. No idea how long this'll take."

As they settled in, she began collecting her ki, her thoughts gathering close behind. This had to be perfect. Each needed something special to get them going.

Pinky would be the easiest. A bit of self-confidence, something Ranma had aplenty, and maybe she'd worry less about Sas' and focus more on herself. Focus was something 'Ruto could use as well. Pranks were fine and all, but if she was gonna be a ninja... As for Sasuke, that girl really needed to relax.

Getting in the right mood for each and then overwhelming their systems with the primed ki was questionable, but it was the best way she could figure to get over their hang-ups in a timely manner.

The genin watched as their sensei formed a circle with her hands, then each witnessed as a flash of light consumed them and they knew no more.

Finished, Ranma sat down with Mao to wait out her students' training.

~o0{O}0o~

Flowers. Flowers everywhere. Covering her vision. Sakura sat up, brushing the petals from her face. She was sitting in a field of sakura flowers. Which was weird considering that wasn't the way sakura grew.

"Hihi. The way Sakura grew. That's funny."

Whirling around, Sakura came face to face with... herself? "What the hell is going on? Who are you?"

The answer came crisp and neat. "I'm you, dummy. Just better." The look on the doppelganger's face was somehow infuriating.

Looking closer, Sakura realized they weren't quite identical. Canines? Then what she'd said hit her. "Excuse me? What do you think you're talking about?" There was no way this fake was better.

Instead of answering, the fake simply pointed off to the side. "I'd dodge if I were you."

Before she could fully grasp that, "Oof!" something collided with her, sending her skidding through the field.

Immediately, she sprang to her feet, her instincts taking over and, "Oof!" Once again she was thrown to the ground. Over her stood a boy, black hair shining. He was cute, for a jerk. Before she could react further, he was gone.

In the distance came a sing-song voice. "You'll never beat him _with-out_ me!"

~o0{O}0o~

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Something was impacting against his face. Something wet. Naruto groaned. Where was he? Looking around didn't help much. He was underground, for one thing, at an intersection of several passageways. Pipes covered the walls and dampness spread everywhere.

Drip. "Ack!" Perhaps he should move. Getting up, he chose randomly and began following the pipes.

Walking aimlessly, he wandered through what appeared to be a maze of crisscrossing corridors. It seemed like hours passed, meaninglessly. Then he heard something. A... a yelp?

He hurried up, running along the path till he reached an opening. A cave filled with massive bars ostensibly blocking the way of something equally massive. There. There in front of him was the largest fox Naruto had ever laid eyes on. Terrified, he watched as the fox set a massive paw on its prison as if it was ready to break out at any moment. It lowered its head to eye level.

"**Brat**!" The voice boomed and echoed. "**You **_**will**_** remove this thing from- aargh**!" What? What thing? There, on the fox's back, was a small... cat? What in the...

Naruto did the only thing he could. He laughed.

~o0{O}0o~

Sasuke looked around. She was home. More than that, she was in a home that had yet to be scourged by...

She took off running. Running in a familiar direction, to a house she hadn't stayed at since... since then. No one stopped her. They simply carried on as if nothing was wrong. But it was. Itachi was coming. She had to warn them. She had to save them.

She burst through the door of her house. "Mom! Dad! Where are you? We have to-"

"Sasuke." Sasuke's blood ran cold. That voice. It was so familiar. Slowly, she turned.

"Brother."

~o0{O}0o~

"Huff, huff, huff. Okay. So that didn't work." Sakura was exhausted. Everything she tried to escape the boy ended in failure, her face in the dirt.

"Toldja." And an I told you so from the fake.

"Shut up. You can't even copy someone right. What is wrong with your teeth, anyway?"

The fake shook her head. "I told you already. I'm you, just better. You're never going to get anywhere like this. You need me."

"The hell I do."

"Do you even know why you're running?"

"Why-" Sakura looked at the fake, incredulous. "Because he's kicking my ass!"

"Yeah. He is. Why?"

"How the hell should I know!?" The fake tsked, obviously disappointed. As if Sakura cared. "If you're so smart, you tell me."

A bright grin answered her. "Are you asking for my help?"

Sakura grit her teeth. "Yes."

"Hmm. That wasn't very convincing. Yes what?"

"Ugh. Yes, _please_."

"Alright then. First of all, where are we?"

"That's a question, not an answer!"

"If you don't want my help you can go right back to getting your ass beat. I really don't mind."

"Fine! We're in a field. Of flowers. I don't know where, I've never seen it before."

"A field of flowers? Really? Hopeless."

"Hey!"

"Next question. What. Is. My name? And no, it isn't Fake."

Sakura was readying another retort when she realized something."Wait, how do you know what I'm thinking?"

"The same way you know what my name is. The same way you know where you are. _Think_."

Confused, Sakura clutched her head. "Where... what... the last thing I remember is- is Ranma sensei. Ranma sensei, she did something. This- this is her fault! This place. It's...

"Yes. Think about it. We're not in a field of sakura."

"We're... We're in a field of me. A field of Sakura."

"And my name is?"

"My name is... **Sakura**!"

With that, the field dispelled in a swirl of sakura petals and the boy was revealed.

"You. You're sensei aren't you?" The boy merely shrugged and grinned. "Whatever. Let's try this again."

Inner Sakura walked up beside her. "Together."

~o0{O}0o~

"Huff, ha. Ohoh. Oh man. That was great." Naruto was exhausted. He'd never laughed so hard in his life. He looked up to see the giant fox glaring at him.

"**I demand that you remove this pest from my person immediately**!**"**

"Hah! Why should I do that you big fleabag?"

"**Because otherwise you'll never learn the secrets the little hanyo that you've taken as your sensei wishes to teach you**."

That brought Naruto up short. "What are you talking about? What's a... handle?"

The fox snorted, then resumed scratching at his back, futilely trying to remove the creature that was still attached to his skin. "**I should have known better than to expect a monkey to have figured out even something as simple as that. This **_**thing**_** is an apparition. A piece of the hanyo's spirit. Why it would gift you with something like this is beyond even me, but I do not want it. It... itches.**"

"Hey, hey! What's a hanyo?"

Shaking its head, the fox answered. "**An abomination. Half spirit, half human. This one seems to be in heat, if the attempt to procreate is any indication.**" At Naruto's continuing confusion, the beast sighed. "**Your sensei. Demon.**"

"Wow. Sensei is a monster? Cool! Hey, that explains some things, too!"

"**Just remove this thing so we can both be on our ways.**"

"Um, how do I do that?"

"**Call it by its name, stupid kit.**"

"Hey! Um, here kitty, kitty." The cat perked up its ears. "Come here, Ranma sensei... Um, it isn't workin-owaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

The fox's booming laughter drowned out his cries.

~o0{O}0o~

Sasuke was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally... sapped of strength. The Itachi before her was a phantom. A message in a bottle meant to be viewed years after his death. What it had to say was... soul rending. "I remember now. When you left, I caught you. You were... crying. You didn't kill them at all."

The phantom resumed. "Sasuke. You must be careful. Madara is a dangerous man, far more so than myself. I never wanted to give you this message. I can only hope that you are ready. Old enough. I can't protect you anymore. If you must take revenge, I can't stop you. I only ask that you save them. Our clan's future—your future—depends on it. You were always meant to be the strong one. I love you, little brother." Slowly, it faded away.

Why? Why had he done it? Itachi had taken all her hate. Directed all her rage at himself. When the real culprit was... Was that why? So that she would not aim it at an impossible goal? Madara. He was to blame.

But how was she even to begin to get her revenge now? If it had truly been one such as Madara, contemporary to the first hokage and greatest Uchiha who ever lived, what hope did she have?

Suddenly, Sasuke felt a pressure on her shoulder. She turned. "S-sensei?" But no, it was just another phantom. Still, it couldn't hurt.

"Sensei. I- I need help. Please. Help me."

Pulling her in, the phantom embraced her. They stayed like that for some time. Sasuke barely even noticed when it began to glow, sinking into her skin.

~o0{O}0o~

Sasuke woke slowly, the sound and warmth of a fire welcoming her. Her teammates were laid out beside her, but Ranma was nowhere to be seen. "Sensei?"

"Hey, Sas'. How ya feelin'?" Ranma approached from the forest, an armful of wood in hand.

How _was_ she feeling? That- that was a loaded question. "I'm... I don't know. I- have you ever been so convinced of something, only for it to..."

Setting the wood down, Ranma sat down beside her. Ranma knew where Sasuke's train of thought was going. "For it to all fall ta pieces? Yeah. More'n once."

Sasuke paused to consider that. Should she? She desperately needed guidance. "Sensei. You told me once that you'd help me, even if it meant chasing him down and fighting him yourself. I just... need some help."

"Sure, what do ya need?" Ranma listened closely. Something had clearly rattled the girl.

"Itachi. He... left me a message. I wasn't supposed to get it until I was much older, if ever. Whatever you did, it unlocked it. Itachi didn't kill my clan. He just took the blame for it. Madara. He's the one."

"Whoa, whoa. I hate ta say it, but... how do you know he ain't just..." Ranma didn't want to finish the sentence.

Sasuke looked down. "When it- when it happened, I caught up to my brother. He was... crying. I- I swore that I would kill whoever it was that- that... He said he wouldn't let me. He put a genjutsu on me. Made me forget. Whatever you did, it broke it. I remember now."

They sat in silence for a moment. Finally, Ranma spoke up. "Well, I made a promise and I won't break it. You need help, I'll help ya."

"...Thank you, sensei."

"No problem. So, tell me 'bout this Madara guy."

They continued talking well into the night.

Well, I finally got off my butt and published this, obviously. Whew, I didn't like this chapter at first and it still has some niggling little things that bug me, but oh well. I have some good news and some bad news and some more good and bad news. The good news is that this story is not dead and will not die until I get to the time skip as I previously intended. The bad news is I'm taking a break from it. The good news is the reason I'm taking a break is because I found another story. The bad news is that I've already thrown out chapter one and two twice now and have no intention of publishing until it's finished. So yeah, gonna be a while before I make a comeback.

To those wonderful reviewers that didn't get a response from me, I apologize. Just know that I definitely read them and am trying to take any and all advice to heart. Except for that one idiot. You know who you are. ;-)

Also, I have been working on making the earlier chapters more legible. There are some word walls and such and that is entirely inexcusable.


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